Stop Beating Men Up for Being Vulnerable

As a relationship mentor and an obsessed student of love and relationships, I often feel curious about how people operate and why they feel the way they feel.

I love men, and I love women. Even after a divorce, I still believe in love.

As I went through darkness and saw darkness in myself and others, I believe even more in love.

What I noticed is that there’s an epidemic of hurt feelings that plagues society and creates the gender division.

Many people are genuinely good, but they might be so hurt that it drives them to assume the worst in others, while not allowing the space for other people’s vulnerabilities to be shared.

So when women voice the challenges that they face, some men would criticize them. And when men voice the challenges they face, some women would criticize them.

While it’s important to be mindful of how we are voicing the challenges we face, there are many men and women who genuinely want to share and find a solution together, so that this world becomes a better place.

But many people are often too hurt to see past their own perceptions and projections.

Today, I saw a reel about a woman who’s a matchmaker, talking to a man who was uncomfortable with a potential match. He said that his match is much more successful than he thought, and it made him feel uncomfortable.

As the matchmaker asked more questions about his feelings, it revealed that he was afraid of not being needed, because he assumed that to be a man in a relationship is to be needed financially.

He clearly didn’t know what the alternative ways a man could provide in a relationship were, and he wasn’t confident he could be needed.

I didn’t watch the whole reel. But it was giving off the feeling that his perception was being judged without enough understanding. For example, during the conversation, the matchmaker mentioned that he couldn’t make it the woman’s problem, but that wasn’t really what he was even about.

And as I briefly checked the comments, the criticism was very present.

This man seemed to be genuinely lost and yet open to a new perspective. He could actually come across this kind of situation for the first time and not understand why he’d really feel uncomfortable.

How many of us, men and women, have perceptions and beliefs shaped by our upbringing and social conditioning?

We didn’t invent all those assumptions, like how men are often seen as the financial provider in relationships, and yet, just because we have changed drastically since a few decades ago, we now expect all those beliefs and conditionings to vanish, or metaphorically be beaten into nonexistence.

But the problem is not a particular belief, conditioning, or assumption of any of the gender roles.

When we start to judge and criticize, even when a person is genuinely sharing their feelings, challenges, or concerns, we aren’t allowing any safe space to exist.

Without a safe space to express themselves, people lose the possibility of receiving help, support, or even other possible perspectives that can help them shift their mindsets.

How many people, upon feeling criticized or ashamed of something they shared, stop expressing themselves altogether and start to repress or even dissociate from how they feel about it?

But just because we repress something, it doesn’t simply disappear. It just continues to bother us unconsciously.

This man didn’t need to be made to feel bad for having some limiting conditioning about gender roles. He needs help to understand that his worth is not reduced to his capacity to be needed financially, and that there are many more alternative ways to experience love and appreciation of one another in a relationship. Of which the matchmaker did help him start seeing this.

Gender war often comes from hurt.

When one side expresses their feelings and needs, oftentimes the other side might say, “What about our pain?”

When both sides are too hurt, it can be very difficult to pay attention to each other’s pain. Because deep down, both sides felt too neglected, unseen, and then their own pain eventually became so loud that it blinded them to other people’s pain.

But when we are too consumed with our own pain and can’t allow each other to express how we feel, we are only going to create more division and distance.

For those who feel, in a way, triggered whenever someone of the opposite sex shares something about their gender, even if they did so mindfully, perhaps it could be helpful to ask themselves, from a place of compassionate curiosity, where does this trigger come from?

Because that can be more than just healing a trigger over social media content. That can be the start of a healing journey.

As a mother of a boy, I can see my child’s beautiful inner universe and the depth of his feelings. And as someone who went through retreats and a 2-year course on therapeutic practices, I saw men being vulnerable with their pain, needs, and dreams.

Men are not enemies. Women are not enemies. Both sides have their fair share of beautiful souls and lost souls.

Let’s cocreate a world that has more vulnerability, compassion, and emotional safety.

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.