Stop Chasing Your ‘Type’ & Start Attracting Your Person

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

Self-Acceptance and Relationship Compatibility

You’re already thinking, “What if I’m not enough of XYZ for somebody else?”

And a lot of that comes down to not fully accepting what you like to do in life.

Introducing the Listener Question

We went out to our Love Life members and asked them to send in their questions. We’re going to do this every episode—go out to our members, gather questions, and pick some to answer live on the show.

Today, we have the lovely Karen, who sent in a voice note:

Hey Matthew, Stephen, and Audrey. My question is: If my usual type is someone who is similar to me, but also balances me out—like someone who’s outgoing, outdoorsy, sporty—things that I’m not so much of… Should I date them if those qualities actually intimidate me? What if they make me feel insecure all the time because I might not be exactly what they’re looking for?

Growth Through Differences

That’s an interesting framing, Karen.

One of the great joys of a relationship is being introduced to new worlds—new experiences, new ways of thinking. That can be a beautiful thing.

Some differences are easier to embrace. If you introduce me to French cinema, I might just say yes to something new. No challenge there. But other traits might push us more. If someone moves through a party more confidently than you or is more emotionally expressive, it might pull you out of your comfort zone. That can be an amazing growth experience—if you’re willing to go there.

That’s part of the magic of a relationship: 1 + 1 = 3. You expand.

When Differences Cause Insecurity

Your question was framed around insecurity: “What if it makes me insecure all the time?”

That could be a telltale sign that something isn’t right—either within ourselves or in how the other person is treating us.

Let’s explore why you might feel insecure:

Maybe they’re a massive flirt and you’re equating that to extroversion. But that’s not a harmless personality difference—that could be a values clash.
Maybe they make you feel like you’re not enough. You start wondering if you’re not making them happy simply by being yourself.

Do They Accept You As You Are?

In the right relationship, you can laugh affectionately about your differences. You’re not trying to change each other. If someone’s traits provoke insecurity in you, we have to ask—do they accept you, or are they trying to mold you?

If they’re trying to change you—say, always hinting that you should be more outdoorsy—that’s their lack of acceptance. You’ll always feel like you’re at risk of losing them unless you change.

Check In With Yourself

But maybe they’re doing nothing wrong. Maybe the feeling comes from within. Maybe you’ve got a people-pleaser streak, and you think you need to match their lifestyle to be liked. You might feel like just being yourself isn’t enough.

In that case, it helps to talk to them. Say something like:

Can I share something with you? Sometimes I worry that you’re outdoorsy and I’m not, and that might bother you. I might be completely wrong, but it’s on my mind.

A supportive partner might say, “I don’t need you to be like that. That’s my thing. I go do that with my friends—it’s fun for me, and I don’t expect you to be part of it.”

When the Insecurity Persists

If you still feel insecure even after that, then it’s a pattern within yourself. Maybe you haven’t fully accepted the way you are.

And that’s what I heard in your question, Karen—a lack of self-acceptance that’s already creating anxiety about a relationship that hasn’t even happened yet.

What Are You Telling Yourself?

You’re going into potential relationships thinking, “What if I’m not enough?” That starts with not fully owning your preferences and your lifestyle.

That internal doubt gets reflected outward. You begin fearing someone else’s differences because you haven’t made peace with your own.

Modern Dating and Commitment Fears

Hey everyone, we’re interrupting our own podcast—this is the whole crew here—to talk about one of the biggest issues in dating right now: commitment.

No one seems to want to commit, or at least that’s what we keep hearing. People say, “Let’s keep it breezy,” or “I’m just seeing where it goes.”

If that sounds familiar, we have something for you: a free 1-hour masterclass called From Casual to Committed, where I give you practical tools to turn something casual into a real relationship.

Watch it free at GetCommitment.com.

Becoming Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Back to Karen’s question—so many people will relate to this feeling. The fear of being rejected or found lacking is real. But here’s the thing: people often believe what you tell them—through your words, energy, and posture—about who you are.

If you go into dating already hedging, already worried that you’re “not sporty enough” or “not successful enough,” you’re telling the other person how to think about you before they even make up their own mind.

Think of Sarah Blakely and Jesse Itzler. They’re incredibly different. He runs ultramarathons. She loves spa weekends and peanut M&Ms. She didn’t go into that relationship thinking, “What if I’m not sporty enough for Jesse?” She owned who she was.

And that’s the energy we all need to channel.

Be the Person You’re Proud Of

If you’re already going into dating with doubts about being “enough,” it’s because something inside you already feels lacking. And that’s a dangerous place to lead from.

I remember feeling pressure to be more “outdoorsy” or exciting. But I’ve accepted that I’m an “indoor cat.” I like movies, books, naps on the sofa. That’s who I am.

You don’t need someone who wants to climb a mountain every weekend. There’s someone else for them. What you need is someone who appreciates the you that you bring to the table.

Say Yes to Growth—but on Your Terms

Sure, it’s good to say yes to new experiences. A partner might encourage you to try new things. But the bigger question is: how do they make you feel about your preferences?

Do they accept you? Do they respect your differences? Or are they subtly trying to change you?

Insecurity as a Signal

If your insecurity stems from them having a quality that triggers something you’ve been ignoring—like confidence or sociability—pay attention. That might be something in yourself worth working on, not for them, but for your own growth.

Are you using your introversion as an excuse to stay small? Are you avoiding things that would actually build your confidence?

If you work on those things now—on your own terms—then when someone comes along who embodies that same trait, you won’t feel intimidated. You’ll just say, “We’re different, but I’m proud of the me that I am.”

Final Thoughts

This conversation can be both an invitation to accept yourself as you are—and an invitation to grow into the person you want to be.

Watch the Full Episode

This clip is from our brand-new format on the Love Life podcast. We’ve launched a separate channel just for full episodes—search for The Love Life Podcast on YouTube and subscribe so you never miss an episode.

Thank you so much for listening. We’ll see you soon!

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

***