Stop Chasing Your ‘Type’ & Start Attracting Your Person

You’re already looking at, “What if I don’t… what if I’m not enough of XYZ for somebody else?” A lot of that comes down to, “I haven’t really accepted what I like to do in life.”

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We actually went out to our Love Life members and asked them to send in their questions—and they did! So we’re going to do this every episode, aren’t we? We’re going to go out to our Love Life members, get them to send in some questions, and we’re going to pick some to answer live on the show.

Who do we have today? We have the lovely Karen. And Karen sent in a voice note:

Hey Matthew, Stephen, and Audrey. So my question is—if my usual type is someone who’s similar to me, but also offers a bit of balance—someone who complements me, like someone who’s outgoing, outdoorsy, sporty… things that I’m not so much of—should I date them if those traits actually intimidate me? If they make me insecure all the time, because I might not be exactly what they’re looking for?

Interesting question. And that was from Karen.

It’s an interesting framing of that question, Karen, because you didn’t say—yeah, I happen to think one of the great joys of a relationship is that you introduce each other to new worlds, new experiences, new ways of thinking. That can be a very beautiful thing.

Of course, some aspects are easier than others. If you come with a different set of movies that you love—say, I get exposed to French cinema—that’s lovely. That’s not something that necessarily challenges me, other than to just say yes to something new.

But there are other qualities someone can have that may challenge you. If they move through a party a little easier than you do, or are more in touch with their feelings—that might invite you out of yourself, or rather, into yourself, in order to connect with them.

If you’re willing to go there, that can be one of the greatest experiences you’ll ever have. That’s part of the magic of a relationship—the whole “1 + 1 = 3” thing. You expand as a result.

But the framing you used, Karen, was: “What if it makes me a bit insecure all the time?” That seems to me like a telltale sign of something not being right—either not right within ourselves, or not right in their level of acceptance of us.

Let’s think of some things that could make us insecure all the time. One could be that they’re a massive flirt. You might be equating “I’m an introvert and they’re an extrovert,” but that’s not the same as “they’re a massive flirt.” That’s not just a difference—it might be a reflection of different values.

If you value loyalty and respectful communication with others, and this person doesn’t share that, you might feel insecure—but it’s not something to shame yourself over. It just means your values don’t align.

I wonder if what you meant, Karen, was: “If they’re sporty, it makes me feel bad about myself because I’m not sporty.” And yes, that’s a different kind of insecurity—it’s not about their behavior but how their traits make you feel about yourself.

This could be a sign of two things:

1. They lack acceptance of you and are trying to change you.
2. You haven’t accepted yourself fully.

If you feel like you’re not enough unless you become more like them, and they’re not doing anything to make you feel that way, then it’s worth exploring where that feeling comes from in yourself. Are you trying to be a pleaser? Do you fear that you’re not enough as you are?

Sometimes it’s helpful to say something like: “Can I share something with you? Sometimes I worry that you’re outdoorsy and I’m not, and that it bothers you.”

An understanding person might respond, “Oh my God, I don’t need you to be that! That’s my thing, and I like doing it with my friends anyway.”

If you still feel insecure after that kind of conversation, then you might have a deeper pattern within yourself of feeling uneasy being who you are.

When I listen to you, Karen, what I hear is a lack of self-acceptance. You’re already feeling insecure about a relationship that hasn’t even happened yet. You’re asking, “What if I’m not enough of XYZ for someone?”—instead of accepting what you enjoy and how you like to live.

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Hey everyone—we’re interrupting our own podcast! And when I say “we,” I mean the whole podcast crew. We were just discussing the biggest problem in dating right now: no one seems to want to commit.

It seems harder than ever to get someone to commit. But we have something for you. It’s called From Casual to Committed, a one-hour free masterclass where I give you my most practical advice for moving a relationship from casual to committed. Go to getcommitment.com to watch it now for free.

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Back to the episode—

Just listening to Karen, I think so many people can relate. When we’re dating, we’re so afraid of being rejected. We’re afraid someone will see us and think, “You’re not quite enough.”

But you said this before, which I think is so powerful: people believe what you tell them to believe about you.

If you enter a relationship with a kind of hedging energy—already worried you’re not sporty enough, or successful enough—you’re almost telling them how to see you before they’ve even decided for themselves.

I think of Sara Blakely and Jesse Itzler. They’re so different. Sara is incredibly successful and has her own interests. Jesse does extreme endurance sports. They’re opposites. But I doubt Sara went into the relationship thinking, “What if I’m not sporty enough for Jesse?”

She went in being Sara Blakely—proud of who she is. And that’s the energy we all need to bring into dating.

Karen, if you’re already going into something unsure if someone will think you’re enough, that’s because you already feel like you’re not enough. That’s dangerous energy to lead with, because people pick up on it.

I definitely remember feeling like I had to conform more when I was dating. I jokingly call myself an “indoor cat.” I like reading, movies, falling asleep on the sofa. I’m not climbing mountains every weekend. I used to feel pressure to be that guy, but there’s freedom in embracing who you are.

You don’t have to justify who you are. There’s someone else out there who wants that adventurous lifestyle—and someone who wants your lifestyle, too.

And when you can embrace that, it’s very freeing.