If you always put yourself last, here is a quick reminder from a psychologist: When you look after yourself, you are also looking after the people in your life because any work you do on yourself will help you be the person you want to be for them. (JULIE SMITH)
If your top priorities do not like this:
- getting enough sleep,
- moving your body,
- eating good food,
- spending time alone,
- and taking out time for your interests and hobbies,
you might be suffering from the disease of not putting yourself first.
Why do we do that to ourselves?
We have been taught that it is selfish to prioritize oneself
Always remember the metaphor: put on your oxygen mask first on an airplane before you do that for others.
Self-care is the opposite of selfishness. We are better equipped to help our loved ones when we care for ourselves. Think about a cancer patient helping another cancer patient and compare that with a healthy individual taking care of a cancer patient. Which scenario is better? I say the second one.
Reality check? If you are exhausted and have no energy left, you cannot be valuable to others.
We consider ourselves responsible for the choices that our loved ones make
Have you seen parents being overly obsessed with making the right decision for their kid (based on their experience and belief systems) and in the whole process
- avoiding the needs of the child and not letting him/her face the inevitable challenges of life and thereby killing opportunities for them to build resilience,
- and ignoring their own life.
By trying to rescue our loved ones all the time, out of what we believe is love, we indirectly teach the person that they are not enough and burn ourselves out with stress. Providing help when asked for is not the same as taking responsibility for somebody’s choices and trying to make their life turn out in the way we deem fit.
ANTIDOTE?
Self-awareness
It all starts with knowing who you are. In short, it means being aware of your values, interests, and behaviors. For a better understanding, refer to this: Finding ‘Who You Are?’
Once you make peace with your reality, you can get honest about how you want your life to unfold and are your actions aligned with the life you dream and envision for yourself.
Once you gain clarity about the big things (the vision of your life!), you need to see if your daily routine is filled with actions that take you closer to that dream. Anything that takes you away from it must be cut out, and you will have to prioritize yourself in that process. (Yes, that means saying no to your best friend for accompanying her to grocery shopping if you do not have the time for that.)
It is not what you do once a week that determines the quality of your life but what you do every day!
Say No
Sometimes people know what they want, but they are scared. They are scared to disappoint people, to hurt them, and face confrontation and conflict. They will rather stay up late, go to the party and skip their workout than say no to the party.
At the core of it lies a people-pleasing attitude which is the biggest harm one can inflict upon oneself. I would rather take a shot and die once than die daily by not prioritizing myself.
I have written a detailed article on people pleasing here.
Saying yes to things that matter the most for your growth will allow you to say no to the less important things (Self-awareness will help you differentiate).
A word on courage? Every time you say to yourself, and no to prioritizing others over yourself, you show yourself that it is not as scary as it seems. And with time, you will shine like a pro!
Refer to this article for my two cents on Courage.
Choose your relationships wisely
Reality check? Not all relationships are worth it. Some people are meant to be cut out from your life. When it comes to relationships, balance your mind with your heart. If a person seems valuable but makes you feel horrible, show them the exit.
The purpose of your relationships is to help you grow and bring you closer to where you wish to be. Do not settle for anything less than that.
Although my entire blog is relevant to this particular point, I will attach a few articles that you must refer to:
Avoid these toxic people at all costs
Refer to point 2 in this article: Relationships reality checks that I learned the hard way
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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
An open letter to those who always put themselves last.
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I am available for freelance content gigs; drop a mail at [email protected]
Thanks for reading.
Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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