Stop Romanticizing Your Relationship

Being in a relationship in 2020 was a trip. You either made it or you didn’t. That is a devastating fact that trampled over couples this year. The COVID-19 pandemic caused us all to quarantine and stay home. The “Stay- at Home” order caused couples to be all up in each other’s spaces or they weren’t able to see one another. This massive shift of our normalcy took a toll on many relationships and many of them ended in divorce or a break-up.

An observation I’ve always had about relationships in this day and age is people tend to see a problem and leave for a new one. When circumstances become less like a romantic comedy movie and more like reality, people bounce. Why is that? This was occurring far before the pandemic then COVID happened and stuck a fork in this romance culture. The issue is people are romanticizing their relationship. Movies make us believe that love should be easy. That you’ll find your soulmate, fall in love, and live happily ever after. So, when that’s not the formula going on in our relationships, we panic. Something must be wrong and it’s time to move on. Now, yes don’t get me wrong if you feel that your relationship is toxic and is disturbing your inner peace, leave.

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However, being in a relationship is work. There will be disagreements, low days, frustration, and annoyance. The key is to communicate and work through them. One day I asked my grandparents how did your marriage last over 60 years? They responded with “When there was a problem, we talked about it and fixed it. We didn’t go looking elsewhere and we picked our battles.” I personally am working on the pick my battles portion in my own relationship. Your partner is not perfect and neither are you. You are going to annoy each other, talk about it. You are going to upset each other, talk about it. So many arguments explode into deeper issues because you had bottled up emotions.

Let me tell you my relationship survived some dark points this year. At the start of the pandemic, my boyfriend and I could not see each other. I live with my parents and when they said I couldn’t see him for a while, I froze. How on earth was my relationship going to last without seeing him? We were about a year in, I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it through. I would cry on the phone from all the fights we were having. We were both frustrated. We went on parking lot dates and would sit on our cars and eat food. My boyfriend and I were not able to touch each other, kiss each other. All we could do was talk to each other out of our car windows.

I felt us slowly falling apart. One late night phone conversations had tears silently rolling down my face as we were deciding if we could make this work. At this point, we were both anxious all time, fought over everything, had nothing to talk about because there was nothing to talk about and the relationship was exhausting. Why didn’t we break up? We both didn’t want to, we wanted this relationship to work. In moments like those, you need to reflect,

Does this relationship support me or exhaust me?
Do I feel safe and heard?
Does this relationship add to my life?

Another argument that stands out in my mind I asked my boyfriend

“ Why do you stay with me then? If what I am doing bothers you why stay?” His response to that question was simply this,

“You add so much to my life. Why am I with you? You make me happy and you support me. You motivate me to pursue my dreams and I don’t know where I would be without you. I love you.”

I of course didn’t believe him with my emotions at a high. So, I asked him “Yes, but we have been fighting so is this worth it?”

He added “ Yes, we fight but, all couples fight. I have been thinking about this. The issues we fight over are so small. If that’s all we have to fight over and not bigger more serious things then we will be fine. If we were with other people we would be fighting over the same things. The Pros of the relationship, outweigh the Cons.”

Work through your arguments. In the grand scheme of things, most couples fight over the same thing. Not feeling heard and not feeling supported. Your partner is not a mind reader so, discuss with them what you need. They can share what they need and you work on improving together. You will change your relationship. It is not your way or the highway, you learn to compromise. Admit your faults and move forward. Don’t go through your relationship with the “Ideal Expectations” lens.

The other day we argued and it was a big rant on both sides. So, we sat down and made a list of the pros and cons of our relationship. It was a healing experience and we were able to share what makes us happy being together and what we need to improve on. Writing it down was helpful because it causes us to hold each other accountable. If we are going down the slippery slope of misunderstanding and disagreement we can take a look at that list.

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The honeymoon phase is gone, and we see each other as the whole person. We see both the amazing qualities of each other and the darker sides of one another. We have learned to accept all sides. We have told stories of our past as to why we are this way. We have acknowledged we cannot provide everything the other needs but, we are trying. He wanted to be my therapist but, I needed to go a professional during this pandemic. I wanted to be his biggest cheerleader but, sometimes one needs to motivate oneself to succeed and that’s what he did.

What do we do now? We work on building a safe and healthy future with one another. We work on building a stable life for children. We work on our own careers to create financial freedom. We work through tough moments and move on. Do not hold on to an argument. If someone has apologized for their error, accept and move on. Do not hold a grudge and be silent for the next 2 days.

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We are both humans and we make mistakes. We are never maliciously trying to hurt one another but, it happenens. Grow from it. Your partner is not your knight in shining armor or the princess in the tower. They are complex human beings with feelings, pasts, habits, and interests. A relationship should add value to your life, but it’s not a fairytale. Understand the difference and appreciate your real connection with someone. Romanticizing leads to expectations, which leads to disappointment. Relationships are work so put your boots on.