Putting others in a position to fail me has been one of my worst habits. One that I’ve challenged myself to unlearn. Because ultimately, in doing this, we break our own hearts and hurt our own feelings.
Creating upsetting situations isn’t likely a conscious decision. You wouldn’t intentionally help people make you feel neglected and alone. Yet, you probably do this more often than you realize.
Setting people up to let you down looks like:
Intentionally withholding pertinent information to see if the person will figure it out on their own.
For instance, not mentioning to the person you’re dating that your birthday is coming up in a few days. Perhaps you told them the date when you first met. So, you let them forget. Then you grow angry or take the mishap as a slight.
We want people that we care about to remember important details about us. It can demonstrate consideration. However, we all have other things going on in our lives and at any given moment could be so overwhelmed that essential information indeed slips our minds. Also, some people just have terrible memories. It’s not anything personal.
My best friend of two decades reminds me of her birthday every year, even though I’ve never forgotten. She reminds everyone! And you know what happens? When her birthday rolls around, everyone sends their best wishes and is sure to celebrate her special day. She gets what she wants.
In deliberately not reminding someone of something we’d like them to remember, sure, we’re hoping they recall it on their own. Yet, we’re also putting the individual in a position where it’s just as likely that they won’t — and we’ll hold it against them.
Creating no-win situations.
Such as predetermining exactly how someone should respond to something and how you’ll feel if they don’t. It’s calling them to discuss a situation, having already decided they’re not going to say the right thing. Before the pseudo conversation even begins, you’re on guard. You’re already upset and annoyed, ready to react to their predictably “wrong” replies.
We tell ourselves, “I knew they wouldn’t understand.” When we never gave them a chance.
Not believing people when they show or tell you who they are.
Expecting someone to be different than who they’ve repeatedly shown themselves to be is futile. It’s allowing yourself to believe you can change a person or that they’ll change for you. You really can’t get upset with someone for not meeting a standard to which they never agreed. They WILL let you down. Inevitably. Every time.
Not telling people what you need but being hurt when they don’t give it to you.
You think people should “just know” what you want. Sometimes they do, and it’s wonderful to feel like someone gets you. Then, sometimes they don’t. That’s when it’s up to you to help them out. In doing so, you’re helping yourself out!
If we tell people what we need, we’ll either get it or realize they can’t give it to us. We’ll know for sure if it’s within their capacity to offer those things. If we don’t speak up, we can only suppose.
Each of these behaviors is a setup to reaffirm an idea that everyone is trash and no one is there for you. It’s a defense mechanism to assume negative intentions instead of making yourself vulnerable to actual disappointment. The prophecy has no choice but to fulfill itself.
Others want to love, care, and be there for you. Let them. Make it easier, instead of more difficult. You’d be surprised at how many people will show up for you if you just open the door, instead of expecting them to pick the lock.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: on iStock