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I recently spent four days binge-watching the reboot of “Queer Eye” with tears streaming down my face. I had started watching hoping to merely distract myself. Instead, I became immersed, plowing through all 16 episodes of the first two seasons in four days. And I can’t stop thinking about it.
This is a show about personal transformation masquerading as a makeover show. The transformation is enabled by the five gay men who make up the show’s “Fab Five.” They are meant to revamp the home, grooming, clothing, cooking, and behavior of one makeover nominee (usually, but not always, a male). However, those elements are a series of Trojan Horses meant to enable a deeper, more significant change.
While they were chosen for their respective expertise in different fields, their profound insights come across in the language they use.
After invading the life of that episode’s makeover candidate like a tornado, the conversation quickly turns to the subject of change. The Fab Five do a great job of asking questions instead of just prescribing solutions. They ask their makeover candidates about the man they want to be and how that differs from how they feel now.
Their language is positive and holistic. Being your “best self” and “living your truth” aren’t topics you hear men discuss very often but are very much the core of their approach.
It is refreshing and beautiful watching these very successful, eloquent, gay men, help straight men (again, usually, but not always) embrace who they are. Oftentimes their candidate is an individual who has gradually disappeared beneath the overgrowth of a schlubby exterior. And while that exterior may now be their default, it does not at all mean it makes them happy.
They have chosen comfort over effort.
On the topic of comfort, one of the most obvious comforts amongst the Fab Five is their physicality. They are very physically expressive with each other, hugging and sharing space. And it spills over into their greetings and interactions with those they meet. Hugs are in no short supply.
I will admit I do watch with a bit of anxiety, wondering if these strangers are going to be comfortable being hugged by these gay men. I can’t help but wonder if they are OK with all the hugging, or if they are merely tolerating it for the cameras. That is my own anxious prejudice. An unfair lack of faith in other males and preconceived notions of where this show is being filmed:
Atlanta, Georgia.
Generally, the Fab Five hug the majority of the people they encounter, but not always. I wonder in those handshake moments if they themselves are reticent. Have they seen or perceived something that makes a hug feel inappropriate or intimidating? No matter how comfortable the Fab Five are in their own skin, they are not oblivious to the world around them. They understand that behavior is very much tied to one’s identity.
Identity is also a core theme of the show. Most of the people getting makeovers have either struggled or are currently struggling with identity. It might be their own identity, or somebody close to them. It might seem to be just about physical appearance, but the exterior is just a representation of what is going on inside. The Fab Five understand that. And it makes sense.
We take for granted who we are. Many of us think who we are is fixed, incapable of significant change. We also take for granted that who we are is readily accepted by the society.
The Fab Five are all gay men who grew up in countries and cultures of varying degrees of acceptance. And it is hard to know just how much these men had to work to embrace their true identity in a world where so many voices try to tell them who they are is incorrect, an aberration, a sin.
It is a lifelong journey for any of us to be the person we are trying to be. The Fab Five have an admirable level of comfort in their own skin that comes from a unique and deeply considered perspective.
It is truly their greatest strength and comes across in the way they speak to their makeover candidates. So many of these candidates have inherent assumptions about their own lives. They have lost their sense of agency. The Fab Five speak so patiently to them, carefully dismantling their preconceived notions, and then enabling a physical transformation.
It is also interesting how misperceptions exist not only between people of differing sexual identities but within groups such as the LGBTQ community. I myself assumed each letter group in the acronym would fully understand the others. And when I say assumed I mean I never gave a single thought to it.
But that is as false as assuming I know what every 34-year-old white man in my neighborhood thinks.
The show does a great job of exploring those juxtapositions. Not only in sexual identity, but in religion, race, and social issues. It doesn’t shy away from these conversations. And while setting the show in the South and deliberately bringing up these topics was a very clear way to update and modernize the show, it does not make those moments any less impactful.
It is clear the cast members are desirous, if still nervous, to have these uneasy conversations. To push for clarity and understanding, even if they are entering the conversation with their own prejudices.
But if you strip away all of the jokes, upbeat music, and quick edits of the show what you find underneath is a lot of fear and shame in these people looking for change. And those are emotions everybody has and can relate to. They prevent forward momentum. They present as a person in their comfort zone but are actually a hesitance to change, a fear of the unknown, and a lack of knowledge of where to start.
Often times when we don’t know where to start, we just don’t.
It feels similar to the way many men are struggling today, stuck in what they are comfortable with, what they always “knew.” What is surprising to me is how many makeover candidates, when challenged on their life choices start their sentences with “I thought…”
As if you only need to have the thought once in your life for it to become permanent. A kind of instant curing material that when exposed to consciousness becomes hardened beyond possible repair.
To change has never been seen as traditionally masculine. The language surrounding the evolution and empowerment of women is wonderfully full of words like exploration, embracing, awakening, and the like. There has been no similar language for the evolution of men. In fact, there has been no interest in the evolution of men. How do you be a man? You grow up. Act like a man. Shut off tears. Limit emotions. You are firm and strong and ceaseless.
It makes the show’s transformations so powerful. It is why I get so emotional watching it. Observing somebody open up, and truly express themselves in a way they never have in such a short period of time is incredible. Words push themselves to the surface like air bubbles previously trapped for an eternity. These candidates talk about how they didn’t expect the experience to be so profound, to feel like a better version of themselves, to be more confident.
And that is what makes the show so great. It is a show about emotional growth masquerading as a makeover show. The renewed exteriors are merely reflections of the transformation that has taken place on the inside.
It is the kind of transformation we are capable of, even if we don’t know it.
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