It was pretty awful and even on the good days, I was on edge. Eight years of physical and emotional abuse; manipulation, intimidation and violence …
I’m now blissfully remarried and it all seems like so long ago, but looking back on those years and through my work with other men struggling in abusive situations, I have 4 key tips for men or women trapped in abuse:
- Talk to someone: if you’re trapped in abuse, it does not mean your weak or stupid, anyone can get trapped in abuse, and you will have already shown tremendous strength in surviving day to day. Do not suffer in silence … Do not suffer alone … Do not let your pride keep you in isolated misery. Talk to someone: your friend, a family member, your colleague. When you can talk about it, the tight grip that the abuse has on you, is slightly loosened.
- Form a plan in your mind: what often keeps us stuck is that we don’t have a plan of action in mind so when it all kicks off, we freeze. What boundary lines will your abuser have to cross for you to take decisive action? What action will you then take? Be clear in your mind and follow your plan should your boundary lines be breached.
- Ignore the abuser’s lie: “I’m SO sorry. It will never happen again, that wasn’t the real me”. Let’s just dissect this cliche and powerful lie, and expose it for the utter garbage it is. A) Generally in life, when you say, ‘I’m SO sorry’, then you make sure it doesn’t happen again. However, your abuser will always abuse so they can’t be sorry and it WILL happen again. B) “It wasn’t the real me”. Really? Who was it then? The postman? Or Rumplestiltskin? This is a feeble attempt to avoid responsibility for the abuse.
- Counselling won’t solve the abuser’s problem (or your dilemma): more often than not, reverting to counseling is a tick-box exercise to give you false hope and buy some time. Even if your abuser is serious, counseling is a long term process and it will be years until any sustainable change takes place. Sadly, abusers are shameful liars, actors/actresses, deceivers. Counseling is not a magic pill or a magic word. If you do decide to give your abuser another chance on the basis of participation in counseling, develop firm boundaries and take action once they’re breached.
Whoever you are, know this, you are precious, you are strong, you deserve better and better is possible, but the road to ‘better’ requires sacrifice, pain, energy and patience.
Andrew Pain is a high performance and productivity coach, serving people across society, from ex-offenders and the long term unemployed, to senior managers at the NHS and Lloyds Bank, enabling them to live boldly, wisely and with less stress, so they live life on their own terms and realise their most precious dreams.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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