Subtle Clues That Someone Is Planning to End the Relationship

Foreshadowing heartbreak

Although most people don’t want to cause others pain, the majority of break-ups don’t end amicably. And it’s common for one person to be caught off-guard by the other who decides to walk away. Sometimes the person being left has seen it coming, but usually not.

Often times, they’re totally blindsided. Left shocked and heartbroken.

This is because the person breaking up doesn’t really want them to know, before they have decided. In word and deed, they might act as if their sense of commitment is still quite strong.

But behind the scenes they’re already moving on. Only when they’re truly ready to move on will they make it declaratively known.

The decision to end a serious relationship doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a little bit like cutting off a limb. The person doing it wants to mark the spot, check it over and over to confirm that the cut is in the right place, ensure they have some kind of backup plan, and steady both parties for the break.

The pattern of preparation here is isolation. What you’ll essentially see them doing is starting their new life, while they’re technically still involved with their old partner. So here are a few things to watch for.

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Keeping friends separate

Healthy, happy couples have at least a few solid, mutual friendships, which often includes other couples. Hanging out together helps solidify relationships and makes a clear statement to their friends that they’re a partnership.

It’s a way of merging and fusing your life rather than keeping it separate. There’s a sense of pride in the relationship and the life and friendships you’re building together.

Part of being a couple is having a larger social identity that you both share. If one person is thinking of leaving, they’re likely to isolate themselves and their friends. A kind of imaginary line will be drawn, with avoidances and excuses becoming habitual.

Look for new friendships being made on their own, with only brief introductions, and then more isolation. Look for declined invitations to meet significant others’ friends, and an indifference or shyness towards socializing together.

Remember, if they’re going to remove something, they’ll want to isolate it first as part of the detachment process. It’s almost like putting the person in a kind of emotional and sexual quarantine, so that it doesn’t impact other parts of their life that they’re trying to continue long-term.

They’ve started to identify someone they don’t want in their life anymore, and they’re trying out keeping that person separate. This is putting the break-up on ice, until they’re sure they can deal with it. And they will often use the relationship in the meantime to satisfy their own sexual and relational needs that haven’t yet found a new host.

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Casually mentioning a break-up in a playful way

Someone thinking of ending a long-term relationship might discuss a break-up in a non-serious tone, to make light of it. It might go something like this:

“Well, if we ever did break up, baby, we’d probably just get back together anyway, right? And I might even be able to set you up with one of my friends. Obviously, you’ll have no problem finding someone new because you’re so sexy.”

This is a way to prep the person. Meanwhile, the daily friendship, affection, sex, love, and romance might continue as if nothing is wrong. It’s not a nice thing to do to someone, but this can definitely happen, because it takes some degree of psyching up to finally wrap their head around leaving, and meanwhile they’ll be on autopilot in other ways.

They’ll want to prep themselves and you by talking it out in a socially acceptable way. I see this as a kind of rehearsal to test the waters and see how the person who is going to be left behind might react. It’s a kind of playing around with the idea without ever approaching it with seriousness until it’s really time.

It’s an attempt to keep the topic of discussion on the relationship sometimes without it getting too heavy. Joking about a break-up, making it out to be something that would even benefit the person who is being dumped, and then leaving the topic alone for a while.

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The relationship is going quite well

This one can really mess with your head. Although relationships that don’t last usually have endured their share of conflicts, in the immediate month or so leading to the break-up, the situation can be surprisingly good.

Few arguments. Strong chemistry and attraction, plenty of good sex, lots of affection, recently moving in together, spending time every day together, bonding, giddiness, cuteness, and so on.

From where the person who is kept in the dark is standing, there are usually plenty of reasons to stay in the relationship and believe that it will last. It’s hard to predict, because again, the clues can be somewhat subtle compared to what else is going on.

Think of this like the calm before the storm. Most people, especially if ending a long-term, serious relationship, don’t want an ugly break-up. It’s premeditated and has been pondered for a long time until eventually they feel it has to happen. They want to be on good terms and might even want to stay friends.

They’ll try to be cold and rational about it because this is what they’ve decided and there’s no changing their mind. Before doing so, they’ll consciously or unconsciously stabilize the relationship, because then there is really nothing to patch up or fix. It’s simply time to move on and they’ve decided to do this even when things are faring quite well.

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The above is how it was for me, anyway — and I know I’m not alone in my experience. The good news is that I eventually moved on. It did take several years, but I’m happily married now with a wonderful little boy. Even long-term relationships of one, five, or ten years will end if they aren’t right for both parties.

It can feel absolutely devastating for the person who was totally committed, when it happens and during the aftermath — but it’s always for the best, because it takes true love and commitment from both people to make a relationship last.

If each significant other isn’t in it all the way and serious for the long term, then this is forcing something that wasn’t meant to be. It’s sad to think of how many relationships are going on right now that will inevitably end in some heart break, but I like to think that overall, they’ll lead to a happier future for those couples.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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