Surviving Modern Dating

I don’t think many of us have been truly terminally single. We may not be in a committed relationship, but perhaps we’re casually dating or engaging in ‘situationships’ where things move with great intensity and passion in the beginning but then fizzles out after a few months.

Or perhaps we have someone around that we can call when we’re lonely or want the feeling of being in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the thrill and spontaneity of things, but I do believe they come with a price.

If we’re not paying attention, we could be using them to mask underlying, unresolved trauma. It’s not uncommon to also display destructive behaviors during our flings, especially if a relationship is what we are truly seeking.

We’re also doing ourselves a disservice by not taking adequate time to reflect on our experiences between each relationship and/or fling.

Are you repeating the same cycles with each person you meet?

It’s familiar.

We find comfort in familiarity. Being able to anticipate what’s to come helps to alleviate the anxiety associated with the unknown.

Think of the unknown as actually getting what you desire, it can be quite frightening.

We’re so accustomed to sabotaging our own pursuits before they even get a chance to become our reality that we can’t even fathom what it would be like to receive our true desires.

Would we mess this up as well? Would the pain be too much to bear?

To gain control

There aren’t any winners or losers in these cycles, yet many of us still walk away feeling detached and powerless. And so, we feel a desire to gain control over the situation.

The true gratification is in healing from the trauma, and this doesn’t necessarily equate to control.

You only find yourself trying to recreate the same scenarios in an effort to change the outcome.

You can only change the outcome by changing the environment/space. You then begin the process of unpacking the emotional baggage and leaving behind misery, discontent, and stagnicity.

Believing suffering is a necessary component to love and relationships

Love and relationships can blossom organically without any degree of suffering.

You can create a love where your only task is to simply be the best version of yourself. The only condition is you have to really want it.

You have to believe in it wholeheartedly for it actually find you. Healthy love is effortless and finds room in our lives without imposing. However, you have to become this type of love before you can speak it.

How can we step boldly into this new chapter?

Remember that you will continue to repeat the behaviors that you neglect. Take some time after each experience to reflect and journal. Moving on at fast-paced likely results in you overlooking key lessons.

Think about the dynamic that existed between you and your partner. How did it serve you? How did it make you feel? What could have been improved upon? What instances felt particularly triggering to you?

Creating a routine of reflection and journaling helps you to uncover any hidden habits you may have that enable your trauma and destructive patterns. You’ll be able to keep notes of your reactions and track them.

Make a conscious decision to modify your reactions until you’re at a place that feels emotionally secure.

Consider what skills you may need to develop in order to attract and sustain the relationship you desire.

You may need to practice showing empathy, effectively communicating, and conflict resolution. Immersing yourself in a regimen of continuous learning will keep you open to new possibilities, and more importantly, serve as a gentle reminder of what your future could entail.

You’re less likely to keep falling victim to your trauma and recycling the same self-defeating behaviors in your relationships if you are well knowledgeable on the risks and benefits of your decisions.

The key is to get yourself on the outside looking in as opposed to quickly reacting. In this position, you can take a more evaluative stance. You’re able to see things with greater clarity and ultimately, make smarter, more informed decisions.

Be compassionate with yourself along the way

Forgiveness and kind words of encouragement are necessary for healing and progressing forward. Initiating this process is only the first step. You’re going to need to be there for yourself when challenges arise along your journey.

Having a clear image of what you really want in your relationship will help. Studying the vision will help you to easily identify and mitigate the triggers that will tempt you to slip back into self-sabotaging behaviors.

Remember that trauma doesn’t just disappear, it’ll still be part of your subconscious. It’s going to take daily decision-making to keep it all at bay.

Healing doesn’t provide a one-time cure, it’s a commitment to the forward progression of self.

You’ll eventually meet someone that will match your level of commitment to growth. Until then, keep working to make yourself whole.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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