Surviving the Dating Scene

Being single is a rollercoaster, some days are the best thing that happens to you, there’s no need to have anybody ruining your peace and some days are just unbearable Sundays where you would like to have lunch with somebody you love and watch movies until is time to go to bed together.

I have been single for 4 years, which is a short amount of time but feels like an eternity when you learn so much and discover how difficult can be to have a healthy relationship with someone.

Indeed, you discover so much about yourself but ironically you will discover which parts you play in a relationship and sometimes realize you were the problem.

The dating scene has become more tricky each year and as someone who’s been out there for 4 years, I have my fair share of experiences when it comes to dating.

Not only through my perspective but from many more single people that I have met and shared with me their thoughts and feelings, these are the few things I learned and kept in mind while dating:

Stick with your non-negotiable.

To keep in mind your non-negotiable you need to be able to identify what they are.

What are those things that have to have for your partner, it could be different for everybody, maybe a non-negotiable for you is that this person is kind as well as it can be that they have a car.

You can make a list and once you are in the dating world when you meet someone notice if they have what is on that list, if they do then it means whatever comes next can be manageable.

It is important to be very specific when it comes to the non-negotiable because if someone doesn’t have it and you don’t mind it means it wasn’t as valuable to you as you think it was.

Something I learned about it, is that there will be people out there who maybe are not a match with this list and we give them the opportunity because no one should be that picky when we are all humans, but sooner or later you learn you should stick with your non-negotiables, cause more than qualities you look for a partner it is how you want to be treated.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

I have to say this advice doesn’t come from me directly, I actually disagree with it but that doesn’t mean is not helpful when it comes to dating and if is in your capabilities to do it, you should, truth is I disagree because it doesn’t work for who I’m considered to be as a person.

Evaluate how open you are to the dating world, people often advise is better to date with simultaneous people and not focus on just one, because you will tend to overlook many things just because of the fact this person is giving you the attention you need at the moment.

When you date simultaneous people at once you give yourself permission to evaluate other options, to learn faster what works for you and what doesn’t in a partner, also gives you a sense of comfort that there are more people out there willing to date you.

From my end, I am not good at it, because I always believed if I’m dating someone my goal is to learn as much as I can from this person, and to be quite honest I’m also not good at just meeting people without any purposes if I continue going on dates with somebody is because I enjoy their company and want to see if they are a great fit, I usually allow myself to go out on a date with someone when I already know them and enjoy talking to them.

Needless to say, this has been an issue sometimes because it means I give all my attention to one person and focus on what kind of relationship will be when they probably just see me as just an egg in their basket.

Safe to say I think is better if you keep your options open until is serious business and if you are like me try to switch it up a bit, if you can’t just know it comes with more heartache than it is supposed to.

Learn to manage your anxious attachments.

I think this is one of the most important things if you have an anxious attachment. Dating will be a living hell if you don’t learn how to manage it.

Being single means you will meet a lot of people and will say goodbye to most of them as hard as it sounds and goodbyes are always hard, but is harder if you develop an attachment to those people.

Keep in mind that when two single people are dating, they have their own lives before meeting, which comes with responsibilities and time they only share with themselves. Now, they have to adjust all the time they used to have for themselves to at least a small amount to spend with whom they are dating, meaning a change.

Although is true that when someone wants to have you in your life they will it also comes with change and scarifies of their past routine and surely it doesn’t help if you are constantly anxious about what they haven’t texted you as soon as they get up or why they don’t see you every time they can.

Also when you are constantly anxious about someone’s actions it means you don’t have enough going on for yourself, so I suggest keeping your mind and body busy because if you suffocate someone too much they will need to get rid of you to get some air.

That’s only in the beginner stages but what happens if this person goes away, your anxious self will kick in and will make a fool out of you by convincing you that you need to fix it right away because it feels like you would die if you don’t.

You will need to start from scratch again and the same thing will happen with the next person. If you don’t know how to manage it seek help from a therapist or document yourself about things you should do about it.

Attached is a great book for self-help that will teach you about attachments and strategies to handle it, is a great companionship if you are looking to heal from your attachment.

There isn’t perfection in human beings.

I had a misconception when I started dating, I believed would find someone who would be exactly as I wanted to be and in the time frame that I would decide.

That’s when it comes the idealization, which is so contrary to what life actually is, You need to have standards and wait as long as you want until you find your person, however, relationships are made.

People will meet your standard and still, there will be a great amount of things that need to be worked with as a partner, not only from their end but also from yours.

The biggest realization I had is that I also have toxic patterns, am not a fit for everybody I meet, have a lot of insecurities, and have messed up some of my relationships.

It is easy to go out there and just ask for what you need but what about what the other person needs? Are we as good partners as the person we are looking for?

Human beings are far from perfect, however, there’s space to grow and be better, so the real question when you are dating someone looking for a serious relationship is am I willing to figure out whatever comes with this person? To forgive their mistakes and learn from mine? If your answer is yes, then you will know that whatever comes between you two will be space for growth if you both are on the same page.

Let it be.

”The only way humans have figured out to get somewhere is by leaving something behind”

Newton Third Law Rephrase — Interstellar Movie

This is the hardest one for me and I’m still having issues adapting to it, but surely is the most important.

As someone who has been in many dating stages that didn’t turn out in something serious, I can say it doesn’t get easier any time that you have to part ways with someone but surely after you move forward there’s something else waiting for you, new experiences, new perspectives could even be a new love.

When we let things be, we experience great pain and self-reflection, but surely, if they ended, they would already have fulfilled their purpose.

A relationship comes from two people and if they are not willing to make it work, it won’t as much as we want to put our faith in it we can’t fill both spaces, so if someone lets you go is probably better if you let it because they wouldn’t be able to give you what you need, not enough to allow themself to make it work.

What I always try to do is to find out what it meant, what it came to teach me and how can I be better for it because if not, it meant all the heartache was in vain. When it comes to relationships I love to think that every time I don’t end up with someone it’s because I’m closer to finding my person.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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