Sweet baby boy, I was so scared to be your mommy.
I always thought I would have a baby girl. I have always been a girls girl after all. To be honest, I wanted a baby girl. It wasn’t because of pink bows, sassy dresses and princess outfits either. I wanted a girl because boys have scared me since I was 14 years old and one mistreated me for the first time. That incident and the several more that followed has made me view boys as perpetrators and at the time, I had no idea. I thought I would have a girl and I wanted to but I didn’t know the thought of having a boy would have me bursting into tears. I didn’t expect to drown in a sea of overwhelm the day I found out your sex.
The truth is that the moment I found out we were bringing you into this world, I broke down in tears. But what I really need you to know is that it was NEVER because of you. It was because of the boys who came before you. The boys who made derogatory comments about my body the very first day I started wearing a bra. The boys who touched me without permission. The man who followed me around the grocery store when I was 15 and took pictures of my backend. The boy who stalked me and harassed me with excessive text messages. The boys who lied, screamed in my face and punched holes in walls.
It was because of them I worried about raising a boy who could ever hurt someone. But mostly, it was also because of me. I was terrified of failing you. Most of the time, I still am. I frequently ask myself how I can raise a boy into a respectable and good human.
So far, I’ve decided I’ll do it by loving you. I’ll love you when you express your feelings, even the scary ones. I’ll love you on your bad days, when you utter words you don’t mean but can’t take back. I’ll love you on the day you hurt someone for the first time because all of us hurt people from time to time. I’ll love you through all your mistakes. I’ll love you and the person you grow into. I’ll love you and whomever you love, regardless of their gender, and regardless of whether or not yours changes. I’ll love you on the days you love yourself and I’ll love you a little bit extra on the days you don’t.
I’ll love you every single day for the rest of your life because while I may not have expected you, I adore you. I cherish you. I see you for the sweet and innocent soul you are.
Simply put, I just love you and I promise I always will.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo courtesy of author.
