Vivian Baxter* shares some of her own experiences and insights about power games.
It’s hard to know where to start unraveling the events of these last weeks. I have seen both women and men from all over the world unite for a cause. And of course, there has been dissent to this. As an Australian, as a woman and—most importantly—as a member of the human race, I am immensely proud of what we have accomplished so far.
There are so many worthy causes that sometimes it can be overwhelming to affect change. For me, this was personal. And I found myself reacting to the furor with one purpose: to do whatever I could to make this stop.
What struck me most about Julien Blanc’s social media presence was not his ‘instructional’ YouTube videos, nor his ‘witty’ Facebook memes (most of which have now been removed). It was this image posted from his Twitter account:
I said this was personal. And it is. Because I experienced many of these things in what was supposed to be a loving relationship.
Much of the rhetoric does not begin to discuss power and control—and it should. Because, as the image displays, these are at the centre of everything that disempowers someone.
Nor do we discuss the reasons behind abuse of power and control. After my abusive relationship ended, I read ‘Power Games: Confronting Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own’ by Kay Douglas and Kim McGregor. It was incredibly confronting, but deconstructing my relationship was the only way I could make sense of what had happened and why, the role I played and how I could heal.
Power games often consist of a confusing barrage of activities and accusations that defy logic and leave the other person feeling bewildered. The more bewildered, the less powerful. As the image so helpfully shows us.
In my opinion this actually stems from a feeling of powerlessness. I know it seems odd, but follow the logic: someone who is happy within themselves, who has a healthy understanding of their own personal power has no need to abuse it by robbing another person of theirs.
Another essential ingredient is resilience. This is the will to thrive—not just survive—in the face of adversity. In real terms this means being able to handle the disappointments of life without the need for power games, petty revenges or violence.
Of course it makes total sense to the conscientious. The peace-keepers, problem-solvers and care-takes of the world are easy targets. Their natural disposition and possible social conditioning means they will try even harder to compromise, reason, sacrifice, take responsibility and make things right.
I tried all of these….but there is no reasoning with someone who is unreasonable. Eventually I learned that the only way to win when you’re engaged in a power-game is to leave.
Even then I was harassed, belittled and publicly shamed. And, because it is possible that this article would induce more of that, I am writing this under an assumed name.
#TakeDownJulienBlanc is an issue of misogyny which is now wrapped up in a debate about free speech. This is nothing new; abuse of power is, and always has been, about removing the ‘voice’ of those who are being marginalised, especially when those voices begin to challenge the status quo.
We need to keep speaking out against Julien Blanc and others like him who hide behind free speech to oppress others. Even while this name may not be my own, this is still my voice. And I will fight hard to keep that, because it is only when I am silenced that I have truly lost.
*Vivian Baxter is a pseudonym.
Photo: Sinistra Ecologia Libertà/Flickr
This is such an eloquent and heart-wrenching take on the #takedownjulienblanc campaign. As an Australian, I am also extremely proud of the role we played in kick-starting the momentum for this movement. And it has been extremely heartening to see people from all over the world unite for this cause. It gives me hope. Before I first heard about Julien Blanc, I had never heard of the PUA community. I had no idea that this kind of stuff existed. Through my efforts to create awareness about Julien’s behaviour (and those of other RSD employees), I ended up finding myself reading… Read more »
Thanks for your comment Sam. I too have mixed reactions to the whole issue. The unapologetic abuse leaves me cold, the lack of self-worth these abusers feel deep down (very deep down I know) makes me sad but I also have hope that we might just be able to turn it around. I’d just like to point out that my experiences with emotional abuse were within a relationship. My ex-partner did not have (to my knowledge) any interactions with PUA groups. Some people learn early on that this behaviour gets them results….there is no need to pay to attend seminars… Read more »
I got into a free speech argument concerning Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. I argued that he and his followers crossed the line by harassing families at military funerals. The other person argued that was his right. I said I have the right to wear a cowboy hat and Confederate flag shirt to a rap concert, and to accept the consequences that went with it. Anyone has the right to be as stupid as they want, but don’t complain when it comes back to bite you. If Blanc gets his butt kicked I have no sympathy for him.
Julian Blanc wasn’t just exercising “freedom of speech”. He was spreading hate about women. He was also physically assulting them!
That’s a good thing that he shows how much of an asshole he is. Better for anyone who ever gets to know him. Also extremely good to know about the actual misogyny os many, if not most men… they accept and enjoy it all. Good for women to wake up for once and for all.
Most men don’t see you as human as them. Most men want to submit you, harrass you, control you. Most men could care less about your humanity’ women are just masturbatory machines for them. And that has always been like that.