Where’s the line between what we want or need and accepting someone as they are?
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My boyfriend isn’t super verbal about the way he feels.
He doesn’t tell me he loves me constantly or misses me or wax on that we’re going to be together forever. And it bugs me — but should it?
Where’s the line between what I want or think I need and accepting how somebody is?
♦◊♦
As a divorcee, I know that “forever” can mean a short three and a half years followed by selling your kidney to pay for a decent family law attorney. I know that “forever” can end up referring sadly only to that tattoo of their name on your ring finger.
I’ve been called “soul mate” and “love of my life” and all that other sentimental shit.
Guys have written poems about me and even songs. And where are those guys now?
Yeah, so I know words are fucking cheap. I’m a writer for God’s sake.
♦◊♦
Despite my guy’s lack of verbiage, I’ve never felt more loved: holding my hand while we watch TV in bed, stroking the back of my hair spontaneously while we’re in public, spooning me all night every night even though I wear a disgusting bite plate and an eye mask to protect my ridiculous lash extensions.
When I press him to tell me how he feels or make future plans, he gets shy like a little boy.
I can choose to enjoy the moment and trust that what I FEEL from him is enough. Or I can choose to live in fear and demand that he express his love in MY way, follow MY script.
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“You know I love you. And I’m here,” he says. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m committed. You’re spending the holidays with me and my parents. I’m in.”
He complains that all that romantic stuff makes him feel uncomfortable; that it seems corny. Really? Because when I made you a huge card that was collaged with all our pet names and inside jokes, you didn’t seem to think it was corny. At all.
What’s interesting is that the things that make me feel “secure” make him feel “frightened.”
I want the “forevers.” He wants to feel like he “chooses” to be with me everyday. He’s like a dog that needs the door open, but doesn’t ever go outside.
It’s challenging I won’t lie. It’s hard to keep my heart open, to say the mushy stuff because, fuck you, I feel it.
“Do you wanna grow old with me?,” he asked one night. “You know I do, fucker.”
And he looked at me with these big green eyes, getting a little glossy. It looked like happiness and love, but who knows? Maybe it was sheer terror.
♦◊♦
What I am realizing is that nothing he could do or say would ever be enough to make me safe and secure.
Because I have a hole in me, a chasm.
I’ve been through a number of “If he’d just ______, I’d feel okay.” But when he does whatever it is, I up the ante in my head. Maybe it’s because I’m a recovering addict so my nature is to always want MORE MORE MORE. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been abandoned. (Who hasn’t right? Get in line.)
Does it really matter? I can choose to enjoy the moment and trust that what I FEEL from him is enough. Or I can choose to live in fear and demand that he express his love in MY way, follow MY script.
I’m tired and wanna run just writing that. Ugh.
♦◊♦
“You’re happy with me, right?” I heard myself ask him, tears rolling down my face. My own neediness sickened me a bit. “I mean it’s easy most of the time, right?….Well, except when I’m a psycho.”
“It’s easy all the time,” he smiled. “Come. Let’s take a walk and hold hands.”
That doesn’t say much but it says everything. Yeah, I think I’m starting to get it.
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Photo credit: Flickr/dA5hB1
“I’ve been through a number of “If he’d just ______, I’d feel okay.” But when he does whatever it is, I up the ante in my head. Maybe it’s because I’m a recovering addict so my nature is to always want MORE MORE MORE. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been abandoned. (Who hasn’t right? Get in line.).” Have you ever thought that maybe he feels that no matter what he ever does (“whatever it is”), it will never be enough for you? Most men today never feel we’re ever good enough for the women we deeply love. Why? Because the… Read more »
@ Ms Adventure, “It’s totally OK for the author to want what she wants, and fear of making her man uncomfortable might be getting in the way. When we’re uncomfortable, we’re growing.” Yes, when we are uncomfortable we are usually growing. Though not always. But, why is that so many women (especially married women) resent when their man make them uncomfortable? We men should be “entitled” to want what we want too. Right? Or is it only women who can enjoy such privilege? So what if SHE is uncomfortable sometimes. That’s call having an adult relationship. Indeed it is!!! Just… Read more »
You know, Amy, I understand what you’re trying to get at, but part of the idea behind books like The Five Love Languages is that each of us does have a ‘language’ that says ‘love’ for us. Hearing words of affection or affirmation is one of those languages. It’s not dumb or bad or unhealthy. It’s meaningful for you. Relationships sometimes require people to do things that are not easy for them — and one of those things might be learning to ‘speak’ a partner’s love language. Yes, you can choose to try to have your SO’s language of expression… Read more »
You know, Stella, I think the point of the article was that words are only just that, nothing less, nothing more. Amy seems to have had all that and more in her previous relationship(s), but they still didn’t work out. So what does it prove? That you can make your partner jump trough your hoops on command? That his opinions (and his love language) is some little fear of feeling uncomfortable that he just needs to get over? Did you miss the “But when he does whatever it is, I up the ante in my head. Maybe it’s because I’m… Read more »
I agree with Stella – It’s totally OK for the author to want what she wants, and fear of making her man uncomfortable might be getting in the way. When we’re uncomfortable, we’re growing. It sounds like they’re both willing to meet in the middle, mostly, which is awesome. But so what if he’s uncomfortable sometimes (or she’s so-called ‘needy’ because she needs reassurance some of the time)? That’s called having an adult relationship – we work with what the other’s bringing to the table, including (and especially) the parts of us that are scared. I’m wishing the both of… Read more »
“Each person reaching for the other, and giving of him/herself is what strengthens bonds. Needing what you need is OK. Don’t try to shame yourself out of it, or beat yourself up about it. That’s not necessary.” Does this apply to men who also “need what you need?” I happen to agree with your position here Stella. However, it has been my observation that most women truly resent when a man ask for what he needs. Ex. Husband: Honey, I really would like for us to have more sex in our marriage. You mean so much to me. I often… Read more »