Talking Tween: How I’m Pulling My Son Close When He’s Pulling Away

Recently overheard in the school drop-off line:

Mom to tween son: “Love you, kiddo!”

Tween son: “Okay!” (Slams car door exuberantly shut.)

Wait. What?

True confession time: This conversation was “overheard” in the same way that perhaps you sought out this article, “asking for a friend.” Yes, it was my car where it happened. And no, I was not cool about it, particularly on the inside.

I may have laughed it off … the first time. I might have half-jokingly mocked back, “Okay,” in a dopey, lowered-for-effect voice when it happened again the next day at the breakfast table. Maybe I even stayed silent when it happened that night at bedtime.

But when I overheard him saying goodbye to his dad later in the week (“Bye, Dad!”; “Bye, kiddo! Love you!”; “Love you, too!”), I admit that I got jealous and had to run to my room like a teenager, myself, to avoid saying something childish. Reluctantly, I must confess that I did mutter along the way, “Oh! Him you’ll say you love! It’s only weak to love your mom, apparently!” … Yeah, cue cringe vibes.

Hurt mom-feelings aside, what the heck is going on here?

All kids have an urge for independence, or the autonomy to make choices and live with some level of novelty. It’s true of people of any age, in fact. Part of the basic human needs (demonstrated beautifully in contemporary versions of Abraham Maslow’s “Pyramid of Needs”), this shows up in different ways at different ages and stages throughout child development.

At infancy, babies simply cry to get their needs met. But immediately following this period, older babies begin to practice influencing their worlds: kicking their feet to shake their cribs and make their hanging mobiles bounce; mimicking their grandparents’ faces to elicit continued laughter responses. While they cannot predict far enough into the future to plot the manipulation of people, they do conduct sort of rudimentary experiments: “If I move my arm this way, can I touch the toy next to me?”

In toddlers, it looks like asking for a different sippy cup—and then yet another sippy cup three more times, following what is known in our house as “toddler logic,” a favorite oxymoron—or similarly, running gleefully away from caretakers only to cry for them and seek them out again. In preschoolers, it can be tattling on friends or covering up transgressions (“I’m not licking the butter!” a friend’s 4-year old was hilariously quoted as calling out when she asked him from around the corner what he was doing in the refrigerator).

As children grow through elementary school, their developmental spectrums become wider and more personal. One child may test autonomy by rebelling against the house rules frequently, sneaking extra screen time or pretending to go to bed on time, but secretly staying up later. Meanwhile, their peer may jump in and help out with household chores often in an effort to be more like mom and dad, using the autonomy of “doing the things you want me to, but in my own way.”

By tween and teen ages, some of the ways autonomy bids show up is through taking more time away from family. Ditching dinner at Grandma’s to hang with their friends, tuning out grownup conversations by getting lost in their phones, forgetting to finish chores or coming home late are all ways our oldest-aged children disconnect from family norms to explore new social concepts that are becoming available to them, especially through their friend sets and club activities. What it looks like to us: Rejection and shunning by kids who only come out of their shells with their peers. (And in my case, worrying that it might be based in a sexist social more to reject our mothers in particular—rather than the natural tendency to want our parents’ attention sometimes and not in other times.)

In fact, rejection is a part of each of these ages and stages, potential sexism included or not.

Toddlers: “No! I want Daddy to hand me my red sippy cup!” Preschoolers: “But I wanted the same backpack that Jacob has! You bought me the wrong one!” Elementary-schoolers: “Hey, Dad? Could you not hug me and rub my head at school pick-up? It’s gross,” (asked when they just beamed up at you for doing this literally yesterday).

Individuation—that term for developing a whole, stable self as expounded by Carl Jung—is at the core of each of these developmentally-appropriate behaviors. How we, as parents, respond to these behaviors can support healthy self-development … or damage it. (Hint: Muttering about my hurt feelings within earshot of my kid is not supportive … or mature.)

I’m a Communications Coach. But even I can get it wrong when my feelings are hurt. Luckily, there’s also the concept of emotional repair.

One parenting expert blog states that “encouraging autonomy helps children develop critical life skills such as problem-solving, decision-making and self-esteem,” and introduces the important concept of unconditional positive regard as even more important in the teen developmental years.

Another quotes Emily Edlynn, author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children: “The biggest challenge in the teen years is the disruption that comes with teenagers finding themselves by separating from the family. Parents want to keep their child close and see this separation as a threat rather than an opportunity, which leads to conflict and more disconnection.”

These reminders led me to employ some self-awareness … and then to reconnect with my kiddo from a place of listening with curiosity, rather than reacting. Our new conversation—held side-by-side over the stove as we were dishing out dinner—went like this:

Mom to tween: “Hey, kiddo. You know how I’ve been getting all dramatic, like, ‘Why won’t you say you love me?’” (scrunching my face and mocking myself).

Tween: “Uh-huh.” (Nods emphatically with an exaggerated smirk.)

Mom: “Well, I do know what it is.” (Pause.) “I know it’s just you, moving away from your parents and practicing being independent.”

Tween: “Yep,” nodding and smiling more genuinely as we move together to the table.

Mom: “I also know there are lots of ways to say, ‘I love you,’ and that even though my love language is words, you still love me, even when you don’t say it. There are lots of other ways you show it.”

Tween: “Uh-huh!”

Good talk.

Not sure how to open the conversation toward listening and/or repair with your own older kid? Maybe you have some talks like mine at the stove, but are looking to hear more words, like I am? Luckily for you (and for me, too), there are a lot of aides we can use to get the convo going—using all the real words.

4 (or 5) Conversation Cards to Connect with Your Tween

• TABLE TOPICS – Original Deck

When founder of TableTopics.com Cristy Clarke was headed to a holiday party one evening, she dreaded the idea of breaking the ice with the other partygoers, so decided to change things up by planning creative questions. This origin story set the tone for a whole family of card decks—housed in beautiful clear cubes that sit right on the table for guests to draw from, conversationally. Sample card: “If you started hearing a voice in your head, what accent would you like it to speak?” Easy use at our house: We’ve kept a cube on our own kitchen table for years now, and have found it most fun when guests are dining with us, especially other kiddos who may be feeling the awkwardness of another family’s dinnertime rules and rituals.

• BEST SELF – Little Talk (A Tool for Bigger Conversations with Children)

BestSelf.Co invites users to “transform your life with proven tools for productivity.” Their catalog of journals, notebooks and even a physical tool-based focus app to break digital dependency, also includes many card decks—like the Little Talk box. Sample card: “What makes you a great sister/brother?” That one is from the Emotional Intelligence color-coded card section; other sections include Hopes & Dreams, Likes & Dislikes, Reflection, Self-Expression & Random (asking Q’s like, “If animals could talk, what would they say?”). Easy use at our house: Since these are geared toward younger children, that’s when we got the most mileage out of them. Often, Dad or I would pull a card to redirect those moments when brothers were bickering, especially by giving our own silliest answers.

• TALKING POINT – Teens, Technology & Boundaries

TalkingPointCards.com offers several different conversation-starting card decks, designed by family therapists, counselors and coaches to foster real connection. This specialty “pocket pack” touts “195 conversations for safe and balanced digital habits.” Sample card: “How can we make our home a safe space for discussions about body image and self-esteem?” Other cards—segmented between three categories of Critical Thinking, Sleep & Mental Health, and Sexual Health & Safety—ask open-ended questions, as well as pointed yes-or-no questions that can be followed up for lengthier talks. (One example: “Have you ever come across sexually explicit content that was shared without consent?”) I bought this pack as soon as it came out, so that I could literally have it on-hand to address difficult screen time issues. Easy use at our house: Stowing it in our car’s center console and asking my tween to pull one card to answer while we are driving, just the two of us, minimizes the embarrassment of eye contact over some of the more sensitive subject matter.

• BIG LIFE JOURNAL – Know Me If You Can

I’ve been a proponent of BigLifeJournal.com’s lesson plans, journals, posters and other products that teach emotional intelligence for years. So, when they added card decks, I was quite pleased. Their newest deck, Know Me If You Can, takes the usual conversation-starters and game-ifies the whole concept. Sample card: “What’s something I do when I’m nervous?” Each card falls into one of three categories—“Can You Guess?”, “Most Likely to …” and “It’s a Challenge!” Questions facilitate fun, intimacy and laughter. Easy use at our house: We’re waiting for our card deck to arrive on our doorstep and can’t wait to add it to our family game night ritual … alongside our totally hilarious guilty pleasure card deck game, KIDS AGAINST MATURITY.

—

iStock featured image