Teaching Children Personal Responsibility

Reviewing a math assignment with my neuroatypical child did not go well.

His ability to take personal responsibility when receiving feedback, no matter how it is framed, e.g. what do you think about trying this next time? is met with frustration and shame.

He explained to me how the lesson didn’t include all the information and immediately began pointing the finger at others.

“Well, son — when you point your finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you,” I thought to myself.

“If you have more questions, what tools are available to help you?” I posed and he responded favourably.

As we continued to review the assignment, seeing more corrections — highlighted with a circle and written example to demonstrate how to solve the problem, no “X” on the page, he still shutdown.

“I need to go back to bed,” he declared — walking away.

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Accountability is a critical life skill.

What do parents do when there are early signs it is keenly absent?

I am just navigating this chapter in parenting and have to start by saying consistency is key, and I may be hypocritical in this regard. So, in writing this, I am checking in with myself as a tool to be more conscious with my thoughts and actions going forward.

Examining areas of influence, over-thinker here which one of the reasons I love writing, I can process thoughts, ideas — and most importantly, solutions.

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Children respond to routines and expectations.

Are my expectations clear?

Do I deliver them consistently?

These are questions that I will be more readily asking myself as work through this chapter.

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Ask clarifying questions.

My son has identified several tools available to help him navigate a math problem — does he know how to access them?

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Well, surely, he knows to ask his dad for help — but, what if dad is busy? Does it know, he when it’s appropriate to interrupt him? — that is is okay to interrupt him?

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How am I empowering my children?

Am I presenting loopholes in accountability — even by asking the above clarifying questions?

Children can be master negotiators. Have they formed or are they forming a habit of talking their way out of their way out of personal responsibility?

Children become little lawyers because they know the judge (mom) can be lenient. Again, how clear and consistent am I with expectations?

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How well am I leading by example?

Children watch what you do and how you handle your own responsibilities — in looking at my children’s behaviours, am I looking in a mirror?

I take pride in my level of accountability, but it took a journey for me to get here and my children may be on the same road trip.

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Takeaways

As parents, we rarely have the answers and the road is not easy.

There is significant responsibility and complexity in guiding little humans through various stages of life — heck, we struggle with our own and as parents shoulder a responsibly for others, too.

Set consequences.
Make rules and consequences very clear.
Follow through consistency with the rules and consequences set out.
Discuss what the children CAN do — help children identify tools in their toolbox.

Like all parents, I hope my kids will be happy, healthy and be successful by whatever definition and in whatever endeavour they choose. To have their best opportunity to achieve such success, they need personal accountability.

This is a difficult lesson to teach with considerable implications if I steer clear of doing do.

Onto the next parenting chapter — stay tuned! I can assure you there will be many more twists and turns along the way.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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