Introspection is one of the most difficult things a person can do, but Christian Clifton knows it is something he must do if he is to ever truly live his life.
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I am an expert mason. Not in the traditional sense as I have no knowledge of the intricacies in building brick and mortar structures, but rather my hands have spent much time lugging bricks of a less tangible sort. These bricks are made of defense mechanisms, jokes to lighten the mood, well crafted responses to dodge certain questions, and sometimes intentional avoidance of particular people. You see, I construct massive walls around my inmost thoughts and defend the tender bits of my heart with fortifications that rival those of the Arthurian legends.
It is only in the last few years that I have started the arduous task of unpacking and examining a lot of these issues (which took so long to start because of one of the things I struggle with: taking care of myself) and this process is sure to continue for many years to come. There are plenty of reasons why I put the walls up, from being ashamed to show others my own filth to wanting to hide it from myself to being afraid of how hard it will be to do anything about it.
There are a few things that I struggle with on a regular basis that keep me from living my life fully; abandonment issues, low self-esteem which drives a need for validation from external sources, pride when that validation comes in certain forms, a general stubbornness, and the list could go on but that would turn this into a book instead of a single post. The truth is that these things cause me to hurt those around me and are draining the very life from my body and soul.
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We all, to some extent, put up walls and defend against outsiders when they get to close. Every one of us has some form of hurt in our life that causes us to tense up at the slightest hint that it is about to be uncovered, and in response to these threats we tend to add layers of defense to make sure that the pain is never relived. Sometimes it means distancing ourselves physically from the times when conversation turns that way, sometimes we have escape routes to slow the advance of inquisition, and other times we numb our hearts to the pain that once existed so that no further damage can come even when facing it again. None of these are perfect and there will be small gaps that appear over time, and so we add layers and patches hoping to block the rest of the world from ever knowing what is going on under the surface.
None of these methods is particularly healthy as each one puts a boundary that others must learn to navigate in order to ever know us. It can lead to many different responses when the resistance is met; sometimes the other person will be offended, get tired of trying, stop approaching the subject altogether, or worst of all they may simply give up on us entirely. There is a small part inside that might see any of these as a victory when in fact they are they are a defeat whose only terms are a cascade of future defeats that take a more devastating toll.
I know this first hand as I have watched friends and family stumble for words in a moment when I am obviously struggling and trying to placate them with a response of “I’m fine” to questions about myself. I’ve seen the hurt in their eyes as they go through a surge of different emotions at my own inability to let them in. This of course only feeds the already existing hurt and drives me further inward hoping that the next time I can stop such topics earlier on in the conversation so that I may save them from feeling that way again.
Defending in this manner has the added detriment that it places boundaries between our own ability to see our true selves. All this time spent building walls can leave us locked out of the inner keep, unable to convey what is even being protected. It makes it all the harder to take down the walls even when willing because some of them have been up so long that their construction has been forgotten and the demolition grinds to a halt at a barrier that seems to have always existed and thus should be left intact.
Again this is also my reality. As I have begun to try unpacking my past and inner demons I find myself at a loss for words because I simply do not know what lies behind the next sealed door. Fear can get the better of me and I will turn from that door, hoping to find an easier one to unlock. It makes the process slow and there are many defeats. Of course each small defeat only adds to the stone of shame shackled to my neck and makes progress that much slower.
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Even though there are plenty of footsteps behind me a lot of unexplored ground lays ahead of me. I want to get through it all, most of the time that is. The philosopher Thales once said that “The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself,” and that is one of the truest statements that I have ever heard. I want to be healthier for my sake and the sake of those around me and so I have had to learn the hard way a few tricks to remember that help this process of introspection along and slow the formation of the walls in the first place. In a somewhat intentional order here are some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way:
1) Finding someone to really trust
This one can be the hardest or the easiest depending on how you look at it. I found the woman who would become my wife almost five years ago. I trust her more than anyone else and without her I wouldn’t have come half as far as I have. I needed a safe place to rest and I found that in my partner on this long journey. She is what lets me rest soundly when needed and hears me out when I can finally speak about what is going on under my skin.
I am slowly seeking out others whom I can trust on a similar level and though it is slow going, I know to continue because I will need them more than I can imagine at this moment. While my wife is wonderful she is not perfect and cannot be there every moment and in every way I might need. This is where close friends and mentors can and will be able to step in and share the load.
Without the external support of others I know that I might never break down another wall and so these trustworthy people end up making the whole thing seem a lot less impossible.
2) Only slow down when absolutely necessary
The ground upon which this journey takes place is not solid but rather is quicksand, crumbling cliffs, and thick mud all seeking to entrap me at every turn. Much like an off road vehicle, the only way to make real progress is to keep forward momentum. Every stop can lead to a setback or the always easy stagnation. By taking every opportunity to continue forward the forward motion is kept to a maximum.
3) Destroying bricks, not walls
It is far easier to move a wall brick by brick; this applies to both the building and taking down of my figurative walls. To ever overcome any of my walls I will need to focus on a single brick at a time. Sometimes several will fall and sometimes one will require all my strength before it budges, either one is progress and brings me that much closer to figuring myself out.
It is also worthwhile to learn the building process for these same walls in the hopes that a brick can be stopped before being cemented in place, after all one less brick stacked is one less that will need to be removed later. Keeping new walls from being built and old ones from being repaired is a must lest this whole endeavor become trapped in a never ending cycle with no forward motion.
4) Think qualitatively, not quantitatively
I wish I could remember this one in every aspect of my life, which is hard considering I am a fan of science and a math teacher so thinking quantitatively comes much more naturally to me. However in this process of healing if it becomes about the numbers, I will never succeed. If I spend too much time concerning myself with the number of walls behind me compared to the ones ahead of me then doubt can start to attack my psyche in some dark ways. I like to ask myself how the last small victory has changed my life and not think of how long it took or how fast I am really moving forward. Processing of the self is not about statistics and set answers; it is about noticeable changes to me and my life. This type of testing can be hard to do but that is one of the many wonderful things the people from #1 can do.
5) Being willing to lose once in a while
A single battle doesn’t decide the fate of the war. There will be times when I fail to overcome the next obstacle, or even back track along the path and have to deal with something I thought I had figured out long ago. This has to be OK if only because I am human and we tend to mess up, because if it’s not OK to lose then all the shame of a single loss could mean the end of my journey and of me.
6) Knowing the ends justify the means
I have to remind myself that the end result will be worth all the stress and struggling along the way. It is the hope of a better self, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling life that brings warmth on the darkest nights. Without this hope for a better future it would be easy to stop and never pursue any sort of healing, but knowing that each step is towards something promising makes them just a bit more bearable.
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Sure there are days when all six of these will be impossible, there be days when keeping just one of them true for me takes all the effort I can give, but that comes with the territory. For what it’s worth right now at the moment 3, 4, and 5 are putting up a fight.
This isn’t a perfect list to complete every healing journey, but they mean a lot to me and have helped along the way. Maybe one day I can finally conquer what lies buried deep within me, but like I said there is still a lot of work to be done before that day. At the very least they give me something to hold on to as a compass for my traveling; I know I’d rather have a compass than nothing at all. As long as I keep true to my heading I’ll get there one day, and what an awesome day that will be.
–Photo Credit: Flickr/wwwuppertal
I met n man with extraordinary qualities. We are an excellent team. He said to me we cant be in a relationship he is having walls so high that no one has ever crossed them. What do I do?
Thank you
Sanette
Christian, thank you for vulnerably sharing your truth.
Here’s a thought that might help you. Consider the possibility that your heart can *never* be hurt under any circumstances and it is only your ego (i.e. false self) that so desperately seeks to build those walls to protect itself.
I’ve seen this one simple distinction create miracles in people’s lives (starting with my own). I recently wrote an article about this for GMP –https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/there-is-no-such-thing-as-a-broken-heart-mjr/
Hope this helps Brother…
That makes perfect sense as it is certainly a false self that desires to build those walls. It’s always interesting to consider just how much of a role ego plays in our lives (even if it usually gets in the way). That has been a big part of my journey, exploring my own ego and how it shapes my thoughts and actions in ways that seem counter to what I truly want to be.
BTW wonderful article, thank you for sharing it here as I hadn’t gotten a chance to read it before.