[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
There is a genre of reality television show that goes as follows. An individual or a couple are looking for a home. They are asked by the real estate agent what they are looking for in the home. They pretty much always reply, “Stainless steel appliances, two sinks in the master bathroom, a large yard for the dog, and an open space in which to entertain, because we love entertaining!” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a house-hunter exclaim, “Oh, by the way, I hate to entertain!” What friendly people these shows attract!
Are you that friendly?
Friendships are complicated matters. Indeed, what is the idea supposed to connote? Are friendships supposed to be rivalry-free and pecking-order free? Does that seem real? Are we supposed to value friendship over the dictates of conscience? If a friend is doing something unconscionable, is she supposed to get a pass because she is a friend? Is she still a friend if she becomes busy with someone else and maybe enjoys that person’s company more than she enjoys ours? Has she betrayed us by having friends she likes more? In the end, what is friendship all about?
Is friendship about actual trust or about mere shared interests? Is it a little bit—or a lot—sexual? Is it about gathering allies, forming a clique for self-protection? Is it about holding sway over another person or about another person holding sway over you? Is it about acquiring a drinking buddy or a cigarette buddy. Human beings like to keep things simple—too simple—and bandy about a word like “friendship” as if its meaning was transparent. It is anything but.
A smart teen, like everyone else, is stuck wanting friends, because of what friendships can provide, stuck finding friendships burdensome, when they suck time and energy and just aren’t serving, stuck not being sure if she even likes, respects, or values her friends, and stuck sometimes overinvested in a given friend, because life would feel just too cold and lonely without her.
Melanie, a coaching client, explained:
“In high school, I made friends with anyone who was verbally quick. So, our friendships really revolved around being ironic, sarcastic, and caustic. This was the so-to-speak ideal way to get through high school, except that, in retrospect, it was actually a pretty cold and cruel way of being. I can’t say that I liked my friends much or the ‘me’ I was when I was with them. On the other hand, they probably were exactly the right friends for me because, together, we warded off the stupidest aspects of high school. As the saying goes, it was complicated.”
And friendships can sometimes be wonderful. A single friend can make the difference between an unbearable year and a bearable one, between a bleak high school experience and a tolerable high school experience. Friends can be allies, protectors, supporters, witnesses, and more. We want and need friends, as they provide camaraderie and human warmth. We just have to be careful and look at each relationship squarely in the eye, to make sure that it is more the best of what friendship can mean and not the worst.
For parents
You are entirely entitled to have opinions about your smart teen’s friends. If you smell danger, trust your nose. If something seems off, if your teen is being put down, if your teen has stopped studying, if your teen is especially secretive, if your teen is dressing as provocatively as her new friend, even if you can’t quite put your finger on what’s disturbing you, speak. You are entitled to speak and obliged to speak.
Then, listen. Give your teen time and space to answer. Her first reaction will almost certainly be a stubborn defensiveness. But that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t heard you and that she isn’t thinking about what you’ve said. Explain your worries, give her a chance to think, invite her to walk and chat, and be available in case she is willing to communicate. The seemingly innocent stroll through the park that ensues might prove a game-changing, life-changing moment. Life is like that.
For teens
Friendship is an area of life where it is easy not to be smart. You might follow a friend down a foolhardy path, for the sake of friendship. You might cover for a friend, for the sake of friendship. You might take abuse from a friend, ignoring the abuse for the sake of friendship. That you are smart doesn’t make you the least bit immune to the way that the word “friendship” can hold you hostage to an unsuitable or unsatisfactory relationship.
Do not expect your friendships to be straightforward or easy. They are complicated, dynamic relationships entered into for all sorts of reasons. Take your time before anointing an acquaintance a friend. An acquaintance need not be elevated to the lofty status of friend until you’ve tested the waters. Even once elevated there, he or she is still in a kind of probationary status. The painter Georgia O’Keeffe once said, “To have a friend takes time.” It does take time, because we are monitoring the relationship, to make sure that it serves us and that it makes sense.
You want friends who are friends. Real friends are about the best thing in the world. But you also want to be savvy about who you consider a friend and whether or not you lift an acquaintance to the lofty status of friend too quickly. Be real about how the person behaves. Be real about whether or not his values match yours. Be real about whether or not you trust him or even like him. And if it’s the real deal, then be a good friend yourself. That may take work on your part and that may stretch you, but genuine friendships are worth it.
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[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock