Sharing your level of life satisfaction with your spouse can be a risky venture, however done in the right context can work as a spring board back to living a more fulfilling life. Often times, men falsely believe that they have the overwhelming burden to maintain the balance of emotional stability in the home. We often hear that he is “my rock” and that we have to be stiff and void of fluctuating emotions, if we falter, we risk being “manly”. Well, this is a bunch of flatulence! The reality is that when we get caught up in believing that, we lose our sense of self and begin ignoring our north star that guides us towards self-actualization.
It’s not all about you! It is possible that coming out of the gates and telling your spouse like a bull in a china shop that you are not happy can cause an adverse response. It’s important to create a healthy way to get deep with each other emotionally.
We live in an egocentric world so it’s very likely that one of two things are going to happen initially. One, your spouse may take it personally that you are not happy because of them. Two, there is a part of you that may be blaming them for your unhappiness as well. While both of these can be true, this is not the place to start.
Are you unhappy? When you are unhappy, there are usually a handful of underlying reasons or decisions that have been made for a long period of time that have influenced where you are and where you have arrived.
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When you are unhappy, there are usually a handful of underlying reasons or decisions that have been made for a long period of time that have influenced where you are and where you have arrived. Of course, I am not minimizing the possibility of chemical imbalances that may be influencing your state of mind. For me, living in Michigan, in the winter and not getting enough vitamin-D can be enough to trigger a sense of a lack of life satisfaction. That is for another article. For this piece, we are focusing on the parts of you that may be related to the aspects in your life that you have control over.
First, it is not critical for you to understand or pinpoint why you are unhappy. When we are unhappy, often times we try to point to the puzzle piece in our life that appears to be most obvious and we attempt to swap out that piece for a more desirable piece. That might be switching your job or getting a new car, or even switching your partner. It may be that one of these pieces needs to be replaced, but let’s not jump too quickly.
Usually when you are feeling unhappy or possibly depressed you may want to hide from the world and sleep, or you may begin to want to fight out of your current state of mind. Either way, being unhappy is not an enjoyable place to hang out and building allies on your journey back to a greater life satisfaction is key. Your biggest ally is hopefully going to be your spouse and it is important to get them on board with the fact that at this point in time, life feels blah!
How to bring it up? Going back to what we talked about earlier, it is likely that personal defenses are going to be activated. The best thing you can do is to be aware that your spouse may get defensive or even a little mean in order to protect their ego from taking the blame for your unhappiness. It is not guaranteed, but it is very possible, so be prepared for this.
Five steps to telling your spouse that you are unhappy
A great way to start this conversation is to set up a time and a safe venue for you and your partner to talk without interruptions. A couple options could be to set up a time for a walk or take a nice Jacuzzi together. It does not have to be a dramatic event, it’s just important to set up enough time that you can vent and come up with a game plan to move forward. Here are five points to take into that conversation:
1. It is not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the problem.
2. You are acknowledging that you don’t know all the reasons you feel this way.
3. You are asking for support so you can get the help that you need.
4. You are not blaming your spouse for the situation you are in. (They may play a significant role in the problem, but blaming them is not going to help.)
5. You are going to leave the conversation with a plan to get started.
These are good first steps. Ideally, it is important to get support to help you break down where you may be stuck and what may be leading to your current state of unhappiness. Finding a therapist or a life coach are great ways to get non-judgmental support in strategizing your comeback.
When we are not living in-line with our deeper meaning and purpose, we tend to get lost and eventually our lack of life satisfaction starts to show up in unhealthy ways.
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I like to look through the lens of an existential perspective. I tend to believe that when we are not living in-line with our deeper meaning and purpose, we tend to get lost and eventually our lack of life satisfaction starts to show up in unhealthy ways.
Ask yourself, where are you today? Where did you want to be? And where can you go from here? Often times, doing simple esteem-able actions such as volunteering your time, saying no to unhealthy people, and looking at yourself in the mirror while telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to live with meaning, are great ways to start to plant the seeds of a more meaningful day-to-day. I wish you luck on your journey and I hope you enjoy the adventure of discovering the more complete you.
Photo by Richard Eriksson
Hi Ryan
Thank you!
This is the best advice I have read for a long long time,
You are good…….
“Often times, men falsely believe that they have the overwhelming burden to maintain the balance of emotional stability in the home.”
This article gives the impression that getting the lack of life satisfaction out in the open, is most often less important than to cuddle and tip-toe around the issues and settning up “safe venues” so as not to give your partner reasons to feel falsely accused.
If that is so, the believe that men “have the overwhelming burden to maintain the balance of emotional stability in the home” really false, then?
Flyingkal
I think this is good adviser for any gender,and all kind of close emotional relationships.
Instead of vomiting up all your negative feelings and thoughts ,attack, blame,shame, and vent all your disgust and anger, it is simply smarter to do it this way.
And it will show your partner that you have superior relationship skill…….