Connie K. Grier shares 10 ways parents of boys can help their sons to grow with grace.
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Our sons are born into the world with major responsibilities weighing upon their shoulders. They are expected to grow up to be leaders, protectors, providers and stoic in the face of sadness and fear. In the Jewish faith, for example, the age of thirteen ushers in a young man’s Bar Mitzvah, the day that the young man becomes a “son of the Commandment”, “subject to the law” and accountable for his actions. The young man is also expected to take part in many areas of his religious family and community lives. Many other cultures and religions have similar expectations of youth at various age levels. How can we help our sons to grow with grace? To embrace responsibility while holding on to their humanity?
Here are Ten Lessons that we will share with our sons:
1. Speak Up for Yourself…Respectfully
Although I was raised in the “Children are to be seen but not heard” era, I encourage a different type of being seen for my sons. They understand that I will defend them to the death for respectfully speaking up for themselves. In today’s society, silence does not only mean consent, it can mean the death of your spirit.
2. Your Character Is So Much More Important Than Your Clothes, Car, or Cash
We have never been a family that bought into high-end cars, name brand labels, or expensive sneakers for our sons. This was not viewed as a sacrifice on our part, it spoke to our values. We have not and will not utilize THINGS to stand in the place of LOVE. It is so much more important to us that our sons are decent human beings, and living demonstratively in terms of where our values lie is a lesson we hope our sons will learn.
3. PLAN To Live Your Passion
Our sons will have the FREEDOM to choose their career paths, hobbies, and life pursuits, but they will also have the RESPONSIBILITY to plan for them via investigation, questioning, and discussion beforehand.
4. Give of Yourself to Society
The WonderTwinz will give back; it’s that simple. Whether in church, community or conviction, our sons will not be allowed to forget those who are disenfranchised and oppressed.
5. A Handful of True Friends is Better than a Gang of Phony Ones
Young men must be able to discern between a friend and an acquaintance. A true friend should not call upon you to do anything that goes against who you are as a human being. Friendly behavior does not equate with friendship.
6. Be Proud without Being Prideful
We want our sons to be proud of themselves, to be confident in their abilities, but not to be braggarts or condescending.
7. Always be Grateful, but Never Expect Anything
Expressions of gratitude are essential. They should never take anything for granted, nor expect anything to be given to given to them outside of love (and all of the emotions/supports that come with it), food, clothing and shelter.
8. Nurture Your Spirit
Our sons have been brought up in a family that has differing opinions on religion, but on spirituality, the message is clear. For now, our hybrid methodology has worked well. There may come a day when their spirit yearns for nourishment in another way, and that’s okay.
9. Admitting Your Mistakes is NOT Enough…You Must LEARN From Them
Saying “I apologize” is just scratching the surface. When our sons were little and they would feel guilty after a chastisement, they would cry and say “I’m sorry” I would say “for what…and why won’t you do this again?” Do the work to ensure that the mistake is not repeated to the best of your ability.
10. Laugh, Love, LIVE
We want our sons to understand that life is to be enjoyed, even with the great responsibilities they must live up to.
What are some lessons that you have shared with your sons?
Photo: NithiClicks/Flickr
Regarding Rule #1, you have too many people particularly bosses who don’t want people to stand up for themselves respectfully and do everything they can to kill people’s spirit. The end result is then they are surprise and shock that people will have to use violent means to get themselves heard.
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” John Kennedy
The focus of Lesson #1 is on my sons knowing they have the right to voice their opinion, ask a question, etc. They know they have no control over how it will be received. What I would never want for them is to be judged erroneously as giving consent via their silence.
Thanks for reading, G!
Good article! Great lessons to teach children regardless of gender. I always tell my son not to let anyone define you or tell you what you can or cannot do. Sometimes it backfires on me, but I let them know that it applies to even mom. ? Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Tonita, for reading!
Yes. I have learned as I have matured into this parenting thing that allowing the twins to have a respectful voice is empowering for both them and me. Sometimes I think of my father, shake my head and laugh, because he was definitely old school and rarely had exploratory conversations after he had stated something. I find that if your children don’t feel confident to respectfully disagree with family in the HOME, (not bicker or argue), they often become victims, followers, or lost.
Hi Connie. Great article. I find #9 to be an extremely important one. When we follow our spirit and not our mind, we will always find the best way. That way might be different for different people but it is always best for us. That is the thing that I try to show my son through my own behavior. We are all part of the same spirit. When we listen to that we are on the right path.
Thank you, Mark, for reading.
Absolutely. Your spirit often is your most reliable life guide. How we nuture our spirits may differ, but it is something everyone can benefit from
Good stuff Connie!
Thank you very much for reading, Lisa!