Davy Crockett famously said, “You can all go to hell, and I shall go to Texas.” He was promptly killed at the Alamo.
The song says, “The Devil Goes Down to Georgia,” not the devil goes down to Texas. Know why? It’s too damned hot here.
108 degrees over 50 days in a row is too much even for Satan.
Unless you consider our governor Satan, which many of us do. If not the actual Old Scratch, then for sure one of his minions. Which makes Abbott a demon, at least.
Who but a demon would keep us on the same power grid after it failed abjectly in winter 2021?
After freezing in my home with no heat or electricity for 6 days, and no water for 7, I swore I’d never complain about the heat again. And then came summer 2022 and hitting the 100s for days on end starting in May. I broke my oath.
I grew up with these temps, but maybe there were fewer people before everyone started moving here, or maybe because I lived in a sparsely populated area, we never worried about the grid failing. Even if it had, we could go to my great-grandparents farm nearby which had a wood-burning stove.
Texas, as in many, many things, grew arrogant about its power grid, and refused, and still refuses, to join the Federal grid. If the drain on electricity had shut down the grid again this summer, we would have sweltered as we froze before.
Welcome to Texas all you wealthy northerners who came here “for the weather.” After driving housing prices up and complaining about everything Texan, how do you like us now?
Maybe Abbott is afraid that more connection to the Federal government would undermine our power to secede. Which would solve nothing, because we’d still be stuck with our outdated, under functioning power grid. And Abbott.
Or maybe next time we have a record freeze Abbott plans to tap into his buddy Beelzebub’s system to heat us up. He won’t sell his soul to the devil, but he will gladly sell ours for a stocking full of coal. No, wait, that’s Virginia. It’s oil and gas that’s god here in Texas.
. . .
You also don’t want to be here if you need an abortion. We already have a draconian law of no abortions after six weeks, and anyone who got one or helped someone get one can be arrested and fined. People who turned them in would get $10,000.
Yes, you heard that correctly. There’s a bounty in Texas on people who help other people get abortions. It’s the Old West and Hell combined. Even Lucifer couldn’t have come up with a more diabolical plan.
If you’re fined $10,000 for helping your daughter, girlfriend, friend, or sister get an abortion, that pretty much wipes out the advantage you gain from Texas not having a state income tax. Unless you’re a millionaire legislator, and have sold your soul to the Prince of Darkness to obtain those millions, in which case $10,000 is pocket change.
Now, since the hellacious Supreme Court, apparently believing it is ruling over the entire dominion of hell, rescinded Roe v. Wade, Texas wants to resurrect its zombie law outlawing abortion entirely. They must not have heard about the zombie apocalypse threat, or maybe the lawmakers are zombies themselves, and the apocalypse is here.
So if you want people who need an abortion to suffer, don’t believe in climate change even during 108 degree days, want to ban books, harass LGBTQ folks and kids, think we liberals eat babies, and want a dictator as long as he is right wing, come on down to Texas and bypass Hell altogether. It will save Satan the trouble of sending you here when you act up in Hell. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly.
. . .
This is clearly satire. DO NOT come to Texas if you’re right wing. We’ve got enough of you already, and you’ll just make the power grid fail more often. If you do come anyway, don’t come to Austin. We’re the hold-out city of liberals here, and we won’t give it up without a fight. That’s how Satan wound up in Hell in the first place.
This post was previously published on New Choices.
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