Your son is an incredible man.
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Dearest future mother-in-law,
In just five months, I will walk down the aisle with one of the most amazing humans that I have ever known: your beautiful son.
I know it takes an extraordinary woman to raise a man so unapologetically himself.
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I don’t need to tell you how special he is, because you already know, probably more so than anyone else. What I will share with you, is that he lights my life in a way no one else has. He demonstrates a peaceful power, without conforming to society’s expectation of a strong alpha male, and I am left in awe, both of him, and of you. I know it takes an extraordinary woman to raise a man so unapologetically himself. For this, and for so many other things, you have my eternal love and respect.
As you know, I come from a family of women. My dad was outnumbered by my mum and three daughters. He complained about it, but we all knew he secretly loved the way we fussed over him and each other. Boys were a mystery to me. I had no brothers, and most of my similar-aged cousins were also girls. My first two romantic relationships introduced me to the world of men, and though they didn’t last, they taught me what I wanted and didn’t want in a life partner.
Then I met your son.
You showed him that emotions were something to embrace.
He had the air of someone who was not afraid to be himself, a very attractive trait. I noticed his gorgeous sunny smile first, and his easy-flowing tears second. I remember being alarmed though. Tears in my household meant something was terribly wrong, and were hidden away. A stiff upper lip was the norm; a pattern I carried forward into my adult life.
His willingness to be soft, and to let the world in brings a new dimension of openness to our relationship.
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I discovered later the true depth of his sensitivity. He is not scared to let his tears flow freely, nor is he ashamed. You never told him society’s biggest lie, that “boys don’t cry,” and you were comfortable in the face of his emotion. I realized his tears are a beautiful gift. He is connnected with his heart and proud to show it. His willingness to be soft, and to let the world in brings a new dimension of openness to our relationship.
He isn’t a stereotypical macho man, and yet he remains deliciously masculine. |
You taught him the difference between strength and aggression.
He isn’t a stereotypical macho man, and yet he remains deliciously masculine. At 6 feet 4 inches he towers over me, and yet, his physical attributes never intimidate me. His temper is slow to build, and when it blows, he is firm, with a composure that pacifies my quick and fiery temperament. You have taught him that a message communicated calmly with assertiveness, is much more powerful than knee-jerk aggression, and it is this peaceful warrior stance that commands the respect of all who know him.
You established the value of family.
He adores his family, which says a lot about you, and stirs something deep in me. You give him space to be his own person, but always make your time, wisdom, and your home available when he needs the strength of your love. I admire that. A man who values his mother, and yet remains independent of her, is a keeper in my eyes.
I have seen you live your own truth, that family are the people we choose to keep close, regardless of blood ties, and that appeals to me, because I hold similar beliefs. The way he focuses on fostering and maintaining a connection with you tells me that he will strive for the same when building our family, and that, I cherish.
You banished gender roles.
He tells me about his childhood with fondness. He remembers that once a week you insisted he, alternating with his twin sister and older brother, cook a meal for the family. You guided him and taught him the skills that he then, much later, taught me. When I cook for him today, he is grateful, because he doesn’t take for granted that the woman keeps house. This is a lesson that we want to take forward and instil in our own children, regardless of their gender.
You showed him how to respect and love strong women.
I am his equal in all the ways that matter, socially, intellectually, economically. My voice carries equal weight and he listens to what I have to say before we make decisions. I know that I am lucky to be with such a modern thinking man and also, that his respect for women was inspired by you.
I love the way that he appreciates my strength, and is not threatened by my successes. You have been a solid female role model throughout his life. He has watched you overcome your own difficulties to have a career, raise three beautiful children, and develop a loving relationship with his beloved stepdad. You have shown him that women can have it all, and now he wants the same for his partner. He tells me that I can do anything, and with him at my side, I believe it.
You will forever be his first love, a precious bond that I always aim to protect.
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And finally,
You let him go with grace.
You will forever be his first love, a precious bond that I always aim to protect. As we move into a future where we share your boy, I thank you for raising such an emotionally intelligent, loving man, who has already made this world a better place just by being in it.
All my love,
Your daughter-in-law-to be,
JoJo
Image ID: 1470848240
So moving, so real, I had to cry. I understand you are not trying to focus entirely on your MIL’s influence or diminish your FIL’s, but rather, celebrate the unique progress men have made because of their strong mothers. You do not mean to emasculate men, you mean to celebrate the amazing modern masculinity that allows men to connect with women in much deeper levels than our parents ever did, and show us the responsibility as women to nurture our future sons (in compatible partnership with our future husbands) so they will become better people, better partners. Bravo. I too… Read more »
Thank you so much for such lovely words. So glad to see this piece taken in the spirit intended- and that we can celebrate our wonderful men together! Bless you! <3 x
So no credit to his father? I think GMP needs to publish more articles praising fathers. Too much male bashing on this website.
Hi Dean,
Perhaps I might suggest submitting such an article yourself? I believe all are encouraged to contribute their own experiences to this site and the subject sounds like something you are passionate about. ‘Writing the story we want to read’ usually makes for a compelling and sincere piece in my experience.
Best of luck 🙂
@Julia Byrd, with all due respect, your comment did not provide an alternative viewpoint. Tom, my MIL hated me too, which is one of the reasons I loved this so much. And, it was Jules who asked the comment be deleted, I would not have deleted it. It’s perfectly fine to have dissenting opinions, sad, anti, whatever. Your comment though talked about men/fathers being relegated to the “ash heap” and (now I’m paraphrahsing, because that’s all I recall) useless, a throw away, not important in childrearing. Our point, mine as editor, and the author’s, who in fact confirmed that her… Read more »
I wish there was a ‘love’ button for this comment Jenny! <3
Maybe Jules is right? That the man actually has his mother to thank for most everything?
Reading the article, I somehow get the impression that the MIL is divorced, and may very well has raised her child(ren) on her own.
Sad or not, why delete it? He provides a perspective that men may share. Isn’t that what GMP is about, a conversation no one else is having?
My late MIL couldn’t stand me yet she lives with us for 18 years … go figure.
@ Tom, You know Tom, I think what I was trying to accomplish was just way over their heads. Honestly, I think they were too caught up in the emotions of the letter itself, which was a beautiful letter, that it passed them by. So as not to “to ruin a beautiful sentiment.”, I would rather my comment simply be removed. I am not trying to rain on anyone’s parade so to speak. I had two fantastic parents. My Mom and Dad were very loving people. They both are responsible for the man I am today. My mother was a… Read more »
Hi Jojo,
Thank you for writing this wonderful letter/article, I enjoyed reading all of it and as an 18 year old male it was refreshing to see “a message communicated calmly with assertiveness, is much more powerful than knee-jerk aggression”. I have personally always seen this as a sign of greater strength than the stereotypical alpha male figure that is often repeated by media.
Your future husband & his mother/family sound like wonderful people! I wish you health, success (and most of all) happiness in your marriage!
Best wishes,
Adrian
Hi Adrian,
Thank you for your thoughtful and mindful comment. I am so glad that the message resonated with you. Totally agree with you- powerful men can hold that power in many ways beyond the stereotypical norm! Thank you so much for the wishes, and good luck on your own journey 🙂
JoJo
If my remark is really that sad, then please delete my comment. Please.
OK, Jules, done.
Jules, feedback is always welcome and I thank you for taking the time to engage. I too am saddened by your assumptions, given that you know nothing of my partners family history and upbringing. How do I know that his respect for women was inspired by his mother? Because he told me so. This is a celebration of a man whose mother nurtured certain traits that I adore, and is certainly not intended to demean a father’s role. That simply wasn’t the focus of this particular piece. I believe my hubby-to-be will be an astounding father, in part because of… Read more »
@Jojo,
Again, while the letter is addressed to your future MIL, I just don’t get it…….Even in your reply, you make no reference to anything or any qualities imparted by his father.
Anyhow, it’s you life and your new hubby..
Best of luck.
HEY! it’s a letter to her future MIL. It’s about just what it says , her gratitude for raising is son or having a part in raising this son.
Cut with all the sensitivity that it’s not about the man.
The letter is to a woman.Cant believe it. UHHH
Beautifully written.
Thank you lovely Renee for appreciating the spirit in which the piece was written 🙂 x
Jules, it is so sad that you take this view of this letter. As the editor, when I received this, I was moved to tears. I know, as a woman and now divorced woman, the negative stereotype of MILs. It’s awful. And for many ends up being true and creating a chasm in the marriage. When a wife and MIL can have a good relationship, it’s good for everyone. Just because this letter is not about the father doesn’t mean she doesn’t also value his father. MIL relationships with son’s wives have a known reputationl for conflict, that to see… Read more »