The #1 Reason Destroying Your Relationship and What You Can Do

“What? You don’t like my hair?” I asked the Southern gentleman sitting in front of me.

We met about a week ago. For some reason, I have been putting off seeing him.

Lorenzo (not his real name) works at the automobile shop next to my office. We bump into each other once in a while at the coffee shop in the area but we barely speak to each other.

But damn! The guy is hot!

He’s built all round. You can’t have two eyes and not notice his tight ass. However, I don’t associate with him or pay attention to his physique because behind that cute face is an arrogant brat.

On one or two occasions I’ve heard him make some cheesy remarks to his friends as I walked past them. He’s so full of himself.

We were working on an assignment when our computer unexpectedly shut down. We tried to reboot it but it won’t budge.

We were already behind schedule and our IT guy said it will take a week to fix. We needed someone who could fix it asap. One of my team members said he knew someone who could fix it and he was close by.

That was how Lorenzo was introduced to me. It took him less than 30 minutes to fix the issues causing the malfunction and restored lost data.

I was surprised by the effectiveness with which he handled the computer.

I do look down on him as a mechanic, but to my surprise, Lorenzo is a programmer. He studied Computer Engineer and works as a technical programmer in the automobile company. He owns a software company and designs apps for big brands.

When he was done, I asked how much we owe him. He said nothing. He did it for free. I insisted I wanted to pay him. I didn’t want to be indebted to him. Who knows what he was up to?

So I told him I feel bad for taking his time and not show appreciation for it. Seeing I wasn’t giving up he requested a date with me. I was mortified, but I had no other choice. It was either go for one date or be indebted to him forever.

Judging people through an insecure lens

Lorenzo wasn’t at all what I had expected. I had mistaken him for a playboy. He’s a respectful and true gentleman.

As I got to know him, I realized he is a bit nerdy. When he’s not at the office, he’s at home working on his projects or helping his mum. He lives with his mom and two kids from his previous marriage.

The more I got to know Lorenzo the more uncomfortable I became. My mind was convinced he was pretending. He probably wants something- sex most likely and when he gets it he will take off his mask.

“He’s just like every other guy, Jess.” “You’ve seen his type before, don’t fall for his act.” “See the way he looks at you as if he wants to eat you.”

Many negative thoughts were going through my mind at the same time. But I recognized what was happening. I have met a really good guy and my insecurities were projecting themselves.

I was fidgeting as Lorenzo stared directly into my eyes and said “you are beautiful.”

He was surprised I came. I had stood him up the first time and made too many silly excuses to avoid him, yet he remained patient.

How to stop feeding your fears

“Don’t let fear or insecurity stop you from trying new things. Believe in yourself. Do what you love. And most importantly, be kind to others, even if you don’t like them.” — Stacy London

Everyone has self-doubt from time to time, but lingering insecurity is a negative pattern that will ruin your relationships with your partner, your friends, your colleagues, and even yourself.

Doubt and insecurity cause us to judge ourselves harshly, hold ourselves to unattainable standards, and often question our desirability to be loved.

Once these thoughts are gone, you can begin to change your actions. You can maintain a committed relationship for a very long time with the right attitude.

Acknowledge your insecurities are yours, not your partner’s

When we feel insecure, we are quick to blame someone else. You think your partner is responsible for your insecurity. And because of what he did or said, you now second-guess yourself.

People don’t make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. Their actions can evoke certain feelings, depending on how you interpret them.

For example, if you are feeling insecure in your relationship it’s because you think your partner will leave you for someone better, someone more sexier or compatible.

It’s also likely that you already feel depressed, anxious, lonely, or afraid and you are just blaming it on the other person.

We have a choice to decide what to believe and how we interpret the actions of others, and our feelings are a result of those decisions.

Build your confidence based on your knowledge of who you are

Most people are attracted to people who find themselves equally attractive. How can you expect other people to find you attractive if what you see in the mirror doesn’t appeal to you?

A great way for improving your overall self-esteem is to boost your confidence in an aspect of your life that is already going well. For example, if you are good at work, continue to improve your skill and be proud of your achievements.

Make a list of your top five positive traits, then read them whenever you start to doubt yourself.

Taking the time to build your skills, your talents, and everything that you love about yourself as an individual can translate into your relationship, helping you overcome your insecurities as a partner.

The more self-confidence you have, the more you love yourself and the more love you will receive.

Accept your flaws as a part of you, not all of you

We find it difficult to relate to others because of the misconception about flaws and imperfections. We feel worthless because of our imperfections. We think our flaws make us bad people.

Accepting your imperfections does not make you less valuable; on the contrary, it gives you more power to make decisions and changes.

So own your flaws and embrace your individuality. You will better connect with your authentic self if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and accept your flaws.

When people know you, despite your flaws, you can gain a level of confidence that you may not have found on your own.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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