The 5 Destructive Behaviours That Kill Relationships

You got dumped again. Everything seemed to be going well in your relationship until your partner drifted and disappeared. This always seems to happen to you.

In your mind, It’s always the other person’s fault that the relationship ended.

You tell yourself, “I’m a good person, I don’t understand why my relationships never work.”

Does this sound familiar?

Maybe you’re the problem. Have you ever considered that?

If you’ve had a few failed relationships, you can put it down to incompatibility but if you’ve been dumped many times, there are other deeper issues at play.

It might be time to sit down and find out why no one wants to stick around.

I want you to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself this question:

“Would I date myself”?

It sounds silly when you say it out loud, but most people don’t know the answer because they’re focused on finding the right person, rather than thinking about whether they’re the right person for someone else.

You have to be willing to change. If you keep making the same mistakes in every relationship, you’re going to end up lonely, bitter and miserable.

Most people don’t have the patience or the time to try and change your habits — they’ll just move on.

Why?

Because online dating has made much easier to meet potential long term partners. The rise of dating apps and websites like Tinder have increased the volume and speed of dating.

If your dating life sucks, it could be because of the following reasons.

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1. You’re a Fault Finder

“People are so quick to judge others faults, but never quick to point out their own.” — Anonymous

Before I met Mrs Eros, I once dated Kandi (not her real name). Kandi sapped the life out of me. She was hard work. She couldn’t find anything positive about everything — there was always something to complain about.

She would constantly complain about the bad weather, how much she hated her job, why her friends wouldn’t call her often, how she was the least favourite in the family, why I made pasta instead of rice for dinner…..the list goes on.

I remember one valentines day, I couldn’t get a booking at her favourite Mediterranean restaurant we went to on our first date. It was booked out well in advance for Valentine’s Day as you would expect. In hindsight, I should have booked earlier, but I found an alternative place, a top-class Indian restaurant right in the CBD. I didn’t tell her which restaurant I had booked, it was meant to be a surprise, but she assumed it was her favourite place. She went ballistic when we got to the restaurant. She sulked and refused to order food, so we went back home and slept in separate rooms. Rather than make the most of the special evening, she decided to ruin everything. It’s the worst Valentine’s Day experience I’ve ever had.

Kandi was the ultimate fault-finder. A fault-finder is a person who habitually finds fault, complains, or objects, especially in a petty way.

According to Dr John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship expert, constant criticism is highly destructive in relationships and is one of the main causes of divorce. It creates feelings of resentment over time and affects intimacy. Nobody wants to have their flaws and shortcomings pointed out all the time.

Criticism is destructive when it’s about attacking the character of a person rather than voicing a complaint about a behaviour.

The following forms of criticism harm relationships:

Finger-pointing and blaming.
Making the other person feel inferior or unimportant.
Not constructive (not improving on a weakness).
Not focusing on the issue at hand.

Constant criticism even for small things often starts slowly but can become habitual very quickly. If you think about everything you complain about your partner, you might find that you can let some things slide. You need to know which fights to pick. For example, if Mrs Eros forgets to turn the light off after she leaves a room, I just go and turn it off. It only takes me a second and I avoid an unnecessary argument.

It’s important to distinguish between criticism and a complaint. Criticism is often preceded with the words “you always” or “you never” statements.

Complaint: “I’m tired and need a break after work. It would be nice if you would help around the house more.”
Criticism: “ You’re lazy, you expect me to do all the work around the house. You’ve always been very selfish, you only think of yourself.”

2. You’re a Control Freak

“When a person attempts to control someone else’s life, it only reflects the lack of control they have on their own” — Daniel Chiciac

Kandi loved to be in control, and if she wasn’t, she got really mad. I found out later after we broke up that she’d dated many guys before me who she’d pushed around. These poor guys wouldn’t stand up for themselves and call her out on her appalling behavior. But not me, I wasn’t having any of it.

She wanted to control what I wore daily; she wanted me to walk in a certain way (I’m not kidding); she was constantly criticizing my driving when she was in the passenger seat (very annoying). It’s safe to say Kandi exhibited various forms of controlling behavior.

Controlling behavior is a form of abuse and happens when one person expects or requires others to conform to their selfish needs in an unhealthy way. Controlling behavior can be manifested in different ways which include:

Intense jealousy resulting in spying and snooping.
Keeping your partner away from family and friends.
lack of willingness to hear another point of view.
Assuming guilt until proven innocent.
Not respecting a person’s private time.

Most controlling behavior comes from trust issues, traumatic past experiences, low self-esteem and narcissistic personality disorder.

Controlling people want to feel in charge because that’s when they’re most comfortable. If you’re the one with control issues, you need to seek professional help through a counsellor or psychologist. You can also start making small changes by recognising your behaviours and stopping them.

For example, can you stop checking your partner’s phone while they’re in the shower? Can you stop calling them constantly while they’re out with friends? Will you listen and respect their opinion when they speak?

3. You’re Abusive

“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse” — Edmund Burke

Kandi never physically hit me. She wasn’t a physical abuser, but she knew how to push my emotional buttons. Whenever we argued, she would say things like, “My ex would never do something like this”. It just poured more fire on the flame and turned a mild disagreement into a heated argument. Negative comparisons of any kind, especially with a previous partner, is a complete no-no.

Abuse can take many forms in a relationship and can be difficult to spot especially if it’s emotional or psychological. Abusers follow a cycle or pattern and they’re very skilful at hiding their behaviour in public. They go out of their way to cover their tracks and appear normal to people outside the relationship. Abuse is unacceptable and everyone deserves to feel valued and respected.

Verbal and emotional abuse has the following characteristics:

Name-calling, for example, calling someone “dumb” and “stupid”.
Gaslighting behavior such as telling blatant lies to make you question your reality.
Sarcasm and teasing that’s hurtful; when you object the person says you need to “lighten up” and not take things so seriously.
Patronizing behavior, for example, saying things like “you probably won’t be able to understand this, it’s too complex for you, I’ll deal with it myself.”
Belittling your accomplishments.

4. You’re Argumentative

“Exhausting someone in argument is not the same as convincing them” — Tim Kreider

Kandi was the Queen of arguments. She enjoyed the drama, she found it exhilarating. For her, It was always about winning the argument and getting the last word in.

It’s normal to disagree about certain things in any relationship, but you need to be careful about how you deal with conflict. Constant bickering and arguing will eventually lead to divorce. According to one study based on 20 years of data published in the Journal Emotion, couples who engage in outbursts of rage and frustration can develop cardiovascular ailments and high blood pressure.

Bottling up your feelings and withdrawing by giving the “silent treatment” is just as bad for your health. According to the same researchers, people who shut down during conflict are at risk of developing muscle tension, bodily aches and stiff necks.

According to a study by the University of Waterloo published in the Journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, thinking about the future helps overcome relationship conflicts. Arguments are often based on the emotions of the current moment. But if you think about the future, you tend to be more forgiving and think about your partner in a more positive light.

Before you start an argument, think to yourself, is this going to matter 1 year, 3 years or 5 years from now? If the answer is no, then consider letting it go.

Unhealthy argument styles involve:

Yelling and screaming.
Emotionally withdrawing from an argument.
Being deflective and defensive.

5. You’re an Agitator

“Some people are inherently likeable. If you’re not — work on it. It may even improve your social life” — Atonin Scalia

My friends hated Kandi but they couldn’t tell me directly. I could just feel it. Kandi had rubbed their girlfriends the wrong way during previous group outings. I later found out the girls had a secret WhatsApp group and Kandi wasn’t part of it. It was awkward and painful to hang out with all my friends and their partners because I had to “babysit” and check up on her more than usual whenever we were out with friends. Her not fitting in with my social circle was just one more thing to justify ending the relationship, to add on to the tons of issues we had.

Being likeable is a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everyone needs to like you (If that’s even possible). I’m sure even Mother Teresa had people who didn’t like her.

All I’m saying is, try and get along with the people that matter, for example, your partner’s friends and family. You don’t have to be best friends with any of them — you’re not obliged to, you just need to have positive and amicable relationships with them if possible.

You need some of your partner’s friends and family to support you in your relationship. If your partner’s close friends despise you, they’re not going to be willing to step in and be on your side when your marriage or relationship hits the rocks.

We all need a little bit of validation from friends and family about the person we are dating. We often trust our circle of friends because they have our best interests at heart.

Likability isn’t inherent, however, you can practice certain behaviours to appear and become more likeable. It’s entirely in your control.

How can you be more likeable?

Smile more often, it conveys warmth.
Show enthusiasm and energy to draw people in.
Listen more than you speak.
Call people by their name, everyone loves the sound of their name.

. . .

Final Thoughts

When you bring two people together that have different upbringing, past experiences and outlooks on life, conflict is inevitable. It’s up to us to learn how to co-exist peacefully with the person we’ve chosen as a life partner because we love them.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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