Remember this, folks – I am a Hillbilly, and I don’t always bet the same way I talk. Good advice is one thing, but smart gambling is quite another.
Hunter. S. Thompson
Perhaps it’s because everyone is an “expert” these days, but people have an opinion on everything. The most liberating thing to say is, ‘I can’t comment because I don’t fully understand it.’ I’ve been supporting a football team for 20 years and still don’t understand the point of substitutions in the 90th minute. To be honest, I’m beginning to wonder what the point of football is full stop, but that’s another blog. Advice is much the same, dished out like Sunday newspaper supplements without much thought as to where it all ends up.
‘Live every day like it’s your last‘ is the sort of advice that flies about like a flu bug: impossible to pin down, yet impactful nonetheless. Sadly, living your day like it’s your last would likely involve a bed wash before being wheeled in front of Bergerac repeats and Pointless until bedtime. Of course, there are plenty of people already voluntarily signing up to this, but it’s not exactly the ‘seize the day’ ethos of Point Break is it? When I worked in an office I used to live every day like it was my last by ‘accidentally’ knocking the hi-viz jacket off the chair belonging to the jobsworth who’d self-appointed themselves Floor 1 Fire Marshal. The weeks just flew by. I think if it IS your last day then the best advice is to spend it saying yes to everything you habitually say no to, apart from marzipan obviously and the snooze button.
Life advice is something people once went to pubs for, alongside flat beer and sticky carpet. Being regaled with ancient wisdom from bedraggled men escaping their wives at the bar was once a rite of passage for younger folk, who now deliberate whether to like pictures of restaurant food on social media with a thumbs up or an emoji instead. Mind you, bar wisdom is very much of the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ variety, if half the sages had adopted their own advice it’s doubtful they’d be propping up the bar at 2 in the afternoon. Unless of course, it’s their last day on earth.
Advice is similar to wisdom and your cycling proficiency badge; once you’ve gained it you don’t need it. Advice might be passed down generations, but like a silver antique butter dish, it’s best admired and never used. The main problem with advice is that it’s generally half-remembered. I swear my father advised me to never run for a train, and I’ve followed it so religiously that I’ve missed every train since. At least I can blame him. Half-recalled advice is dangerous. I swear that I once read it was more hygienic eating food from a car tire than from a kitchen chopping board, but that doesn’t sound right, and advice has to sound right, like a lark on a spring morning.
So, despite all this, what is the best advice out there? The most frequent advice I hear myself providing, generally unsolicited, is: Stay away from my Biscuits, but there are others of equal importance, such as Never play on the stairs. I have applied this to every job I’ve ever had and it has served me well; sadly I have not once been sacked for mucking about in the stairwell. Talking of work, being advised to Dress for success, particularly on Roxette’s 1988 hit, is a frequent one, and as Bryan Ferry will attest, very useful. Always be ready for a last minute award ceremony someone once advised me, and who now spends their time sniggering behind their hand.
Of course, not all advice is better suited for insulating a loft. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry, and don’t make promises when you’re happy is a particularly good one, and explains exactly why (thankfully) only 7% of plans made while drunk actually happens with these generally involving kebabs.
And so what, amongst the experts and sage elders, is the best advice on the Internet? Always get dressed by 9 am regardless of your plans, and most importantly Stay off the Internet.
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Originally published on Idle blogs of an idle fellow
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