by Todd Adams
I recently flew home from a trip to Oregon with my oldest daughter, Jacey. We sat down for a pre-flight breakfast when something at the next table caught my attention. A man, maybe a little older than me, dressed in what looked like a pilot’s uniform, was visibly upset. Though I couldn’t catch every detail, it was clear to everyone around that his frustration was directed at the waitress—a Latina woman. The issue? He told her that she should not have assumed that he wanted ice in his water and that she should have asked him first. He also was complaining about dairy in his breakfast burrito. Really?
Yet, he kept going on and on for a good four or five minutes, critiquing her service in a tone that, though controlled, still had a condescending vibe.
His words weren’t loud, but they were sharp. You don’t have to yell to be unkind.
The waitress kept her composure, apologized and comp’d his meal. As he left, I felt angry—angry at his entitlement and the lack of basic respect for another human being. My daughter, Jacey, was even more furious, seeing it as yet another instance of a privileged man talking down to someone he believed he had power over. I had a feeling she was right.
Part of me wanted to step in and say something, to redirect his judgment toward me instead of her. But I didn’t. I sat there, feeling frustrated with myself. When he finally left and the waitress came over to greet us, I apologized to the waitress that she had to deal with a guy like that. She smiled and said, “It happens all the time.”
Really? That hit me hard. No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially for something as trivial as a misunderstanding about food.
To be perfectly honest, our service by this waitress was less than stellar. We waited far too long for our food, and when it finally arrived, we found out they only had enough ingredients for one breakfast burrito, even though we had ordered two. But instead of getting upset, I chose to smile and give her a good tip.
I tell this story not to pat myself on the back for being “the nice guy,” but to make a point: kindness matters, and what you put out there—whether negative or positive—affects more people than you may realize. Being kind is one of the simplest things we can offer each other.
Initially, I thought my story ended there, but after letting it sit for a day, I realized there was more to unpack. One of the core principles of MenLiving—is “living curiously.” In hindsight, I wasn’t very curious in this situation with airport man. I was judgmental. It feels soooo good to judge others, doesn’t it? Energy coursing through my body feeling righteous and “better than” the other.
Through the lens of curiosity, I now wonder:
- Is it possible that this man was having an awful day and is usually kind and considerate?
- Could it be that he struggles with loneliness, turning his internal sadness into external anger?
- Did I miss part of the interaction where the waitress made a mistake, and he felt justified in his complaints?
- Does the waitress even need to be “saved,” or am I falling into a “white male savior” complex, wanting to feel like the hero?
- How often do I act like a jerk when I’m having a bad day?
- How often do I judge my kids, my wife, my friends without truly asking them about their experience?
- And lastly and most importantly, how friendly am I to myself when I screw something up?
This experience reminded me that judgment comes easily, but curiosity and empathy take effort. We can’t always know what someone else is going through, and we all have moments when we’re not at our best. Even after reflecting on this, I still find myself judging this man and remain fairly confident he was just being a jerk. At the very same time, I know that viewing people through the lens of curiosity reduces my frustration and reactivity, helping me stay open to learning—especially in moments when I feel triggered.
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Todd is a certified coach through Conscious Leadership Group, Tony Robbins Core 100, and the HeartMath Institute. He is a member of the Mankind Project and a staff member for its New Warrior Training Adventure. He also blogs for the Good Men Project.
Realizing that his friendships with men were becoming more shallow, Todd took action. He cofounded the Tribe Men’s Group in 2012. His intention was to create a space that invited men to be vulnerable and authentic. In 2019, the Tribe rebranded as MenLiving, and Todd has served as its executive director since.
Todd is from Chicago and is a graduate of Drake University with a degree in finance and management. He is happily married to his best friend, Cathy. Together, they have three amazing daughters and a zen bunny named Smokey.
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Previously Published on Men Living and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
