So I was watching the 2017 movie, A Bad Mom’s Christmas while cooking Thanksgiving dinner for a few friends. If you haven’t seen ABMC, it follows the three moms from the film Bad Moms, dealing with their families and their own mothers, who come to visit during Christmas. (Spoiler alert, by the way, I’m going to reveal a bunch of the plot here.)
I got a bit excited partway through when all three of the younger moms decide to “take Christmas back,” by standing up to and setting boundaries with their mothers, all of whom are toxic in different ways. But then, as they start to put themselves and their own families first, that old “people just need some understanding” trope creeps in.
Ruth, the worst older mom (a full-blown narcissist played brilliantly by Christine Baranski), completely takes over her daughter’s home, including hosting a party for over a 100 people. After enduring her mom’s interference and criticism for days, the daughter Amy (Mila Kunis), finally throws her out and bans her forever.
But then the flying monkeys (supporters of narcissistic behavior) gang up on her. Amy’s children whine and complain. They love grandma (of course they do, she gives them candy for breakfast). Amy is mean and cruel to send her away. Amy’s father sits her down and explains that Ruth is really just insecure due to her own mother’s dominance. Can’t Amy work harder to try to see the “real” Ruth?
Amy feels bad (and I myself am incensed). Poor misunderstood mom. They have a heart-to-heart and all is forgiven. Ruth sees the error of her ways and Amy understands that her mom loves her and this is how she shows it. (Barf.)
Meanwhile the older mom who gambles and only comes to see her daughter to borrow money (which she never returns) promises to quit and pay the daughter back. She even finds a real job. The third mom, who is pathologically overprotective, agrees not to move in next door and instead, go back to North Dakota and give her daughter the space she needs. The daughters forgive them for their past highly toxic behavior, and everyone has a lovely dinner. Voila! Christmas is saved. But if you have any experience with toxic people, you’ll be very aware that those sort of promises are empty and vacuous.
If only. If only we could just explain to the toxic, narcissistic people in our lives how we feel and magically see them change. If only it was true that they just needed a little bit of “understanding.” Hugs and cookies all around. I’m sorry, but hell no. It’s more likely that we have been trying to express how we feel for ages, and focused our own lives on trying to understand them, to the detriment of our own well-being.
I’m sorry, but there simply is no Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Eid, Diwali (or insert your own holiday here) miracle that will soften a narcissistic person’s heart, make them self-reflective, and bring healing, no matter what the movies say. Rather, let the miracle be the first part of this movie, where you take the holiday back by putting yourself first. And then let’s rewrite the second half, ignoring the flying monkeys and empty promises and living our own lives free from manipulation and toxicity.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
