I have a rather complicated relationship with the Sam’s Club in Dothan, Alabama. A seriously complicated relationship.
It was the Summer of 2014. I took a job selling Direct TV subscriptions. I passed the training with flying colors.
The next day, I was dispatched to Sam’s with two colleagues.
I’m starting to see that the United States is not only in crisis, but the American man is in crisis… Simply put, we are scared.
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We stopped at a nearby IHOP for lunch. Then we went across the street to Sam’s for work.
My job was to approach everybody I could find and ask them who their TV provider was.
A couple hours in, I found myself feeling like I was about to pass out. My heart was pounding, and I was sweating bullets.
And it wasn’t hot in that building.
I called my boss and I was excused.
I had the worst panic attack of my life inside that store.
I chose to quit that job because I didn’t think I could go back there. The only job I’ve ever straight up quit.
I could probably crush that job now. Then, not so much.
Let’s flash forward about a year.
I headed back to that same store for the first time since the panic attack. I needed something that only a bulk store like that could offer.
After I parked and was walking into the store, I passed by a young family. As I walked by them, I heard something that really disturbed me.
The family was a mother, father, and their young son. The son was maybe 8 or 9 years old. I’d estimate the parents to be around my age.
The boy was crying. Something triggered him pretty hard and had greatly upset him.
Mom was standing off a few feet, concerned but seemingly uninvolved in the conversation.
Dad was down on one knee and looking at his son in the eyes. There was very gentle and loving body language.
In the back of my mind I thought it was really beautiful to see this. To see Dad so tender in supporting his son.
But I overheard a snippet of their conversation that enraged me as I walked by.
“We need to stop this. Let’s be a little man, stop crying, and let’s go shopping.”
Man! Just writing these words makes my blood boil!
I was already triggered pretty deeply headed in there and that sure didn’t help.
There have been too many mass shootings lately to mention. But events from South Florida really got me thinking about this.
I’m starting to see that the United States is not only in crisis, but the American man is in crisis.
The more I see of men in this country, the more I see that we are absolutely scared shitless. We’re scared of our financial security, our relationships, and how people see us in the world. We’re scared to be fully self-expressed human beings.
Simply put, we are scared.
Most of these mass shootings have been pulled off by men who have been seen as disturbed, dangerous, and people feared them.
This crisis isn’t black and white. It isn’t necessarily about arming teachers, putting retired veterans as security guards in schools, or banning certain types of guns… The real problem is that we have lost our humanity as men.
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In other words, these were all men who were scared to death. And as Yoda said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Case in point: I lay my head at night about an hour from Newtown, Connecticut. Need I remind you what happened there in December of 2012?
Here’s the most sobering list I have ever written. Since Sandy Hook, there have been:
- 239 School Shootings
- 438 people have been shot
- 138 have passed away from their wounds
This is just in schools! I’m not talking about churches and concerts!
Last November, I wrote about how the epidemic of mass shootings isn’t only about the easy access to guns. It’s about our poor relationship with ourselves. I still believe this, that easy access to guns is a major factor.
But it’s nowhere close to the only factor!
All of these shootings have been pulled off by men. All of whom have been profiled as being “disturbed” “mentally ill” “white supremacist” or part of a “fringe hate group.”
And so many of us have our heads in the sand about why this is going on. Certain politicians sure have their heads in the sand about this!
The more I see it, the more I see that American masculinity is in crisis!
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not just talking about just gun violence here. I’m talking about all the fear and hatred in the world. I’m talking about all the men abusing their power with women.
And yes, I’m talking about the President as well.
Good Men Project executive editor Mark Greene recently penned a brilliant piece simply titled Masculinity is Not Toxic. And this truth bomb from his article sums up so much of the crisis of American masculinity.
“But if we are to truly address the challenges we face with American masculinity, we must first understand and assert this: masculinity is not toxic, our culture’s narrow, conformist, violent, bullying version of it is.”
I couldn’t agree more. There’s a culture of toxic masculinity that is literally killing people.
These King articles have been about one thing: starting a conversation. Starting a conversation about what it means to be a real man in this world.
But sometimes I don’t even know what it means to be a real man in this world.
The more I see news like what happened in Parkland, Florida, the more I see this: the American Man is in crisis.
I won’t lie, the gun issue scares me. I’m anti-gun myself (which is unusual for someone raised in the Deep South.) But I realize that it’s not an easy issue to solve.
This crisis isn’t black and white. It isn’t necessarily about arming teachers, putting retired veterans as security guards in schools, or banning certain types of guns.
Because none of this solves the real problem.
The real problem is that we have lost our humanity as men.
Men aren’t allowed to be fully expressed human beings anymore!
Let me explain.
At the risk of getting too woo-woo here, masculine energy is a grounded energy. It’s a calming energy. And it’s an authentic energy.
And when we stuff down that calming, grounded, and authentic energy, wounds start to boil. And men turn into pressure cookers.
And what happens to a pressure cooker when too much pressure builds up?
Newtown…Orlando…Las Vegas…Sutherland Springs, Texas…Parkland, Florida…Aurora, Colorado…that’s what happens!
If you’re a man, if you know a man, if you’re the parent of a boy, or if you’ve ever been a boy, listen up.
In other words, this goes for everybody!
Men: we need to reclaim our humanity. We need to be able to be strong, grounded, leaders. We need to be gentle, loving fathers. We need to be fully self-expressed human beings.
Gentlemen, we need to get back to being gentle men again.
Let’s start connecting with each other and with ourselves again. Let’s say the thing that scares us. Let’s show love. Let’s be love!
Let’s be men again!
As Marianne Williamson famously wrote, “Love is the only things that’s real. Everything else is an illusion.”
Gentlemen, we need to get back to being gentle men again. Let’s start connecting with each other and with ourselves again. Let’s say the thing that scares us. Let’s show love. Let’s be love!
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In closing, I’d like to turn my attention back to that young son and his dad.
Can you take some advice from a man who doesn’t yet have any human children?
Your son was being real. He was being authentic. And he was being human.
I’d assert that he WAS being a little man.
Gentlemen…or rather, gentle men – let’s be kings. Let’s support each other. Let’s love each other. Let’s lift each other up.
Let’s be our brother’s keeper.
Let’s be gentle men again.
Photo by Pablo Korona
Ryan, Good article. Thanks for sharing so personally and linking your experiences to the larger social issues that are facing us all. We tend to think of women as “the sensitive sex,” but I think men are also sensitive and, in fact, may be more sensitive how out of balance we are with ourselves, each other, and the Earth we all share. We are the canaries in the coal mine, living and dying, so that others will take heed.
Thank you for the acknowledgement. I certainly appreciate it. It’s on all of us to work together to be the change we wish to see. Getting real with each other is a start.