The Anxious Attachment Trap in Relationships: Cling, Chase, Collapse

Anxious-preoccupied, attached individuals have one problem. They cling and chase. That is what leads to the end of their relationships! Thanks for reading.

It feels like it’s that simple to explain and retain. There is more to it than knowing that anxious individuals tend to press when dating or in a relationship.

We have different approaches to our relationships based on how we have learned to give and receive love.

We become attached to our perception. It creates the model for what a healthy relationship looks like to us.

Now you understand where attachment theory and attachment style come from.

As we move on and engage in future relationships, our lens gives us a vision of our ideal relationship.

When that does off of our expected course, our triggers kick in, and we start to exhibit reactionary behaviors out of fear control.

These subconscious behaviors that we place into the dynamic only act as glue when there are bolts and screws needed to fix the dynamic.

I don’t want you to get to this point.

Many of my clients and readers comment and reach out for 1:1 work when we have crossed this line, but what about the things you could have seen before it got to that stage? Let’s get into them.

When I write articles or work with clients, I have them write down the five core triggers as they become relevant later in the article: Loneliness, abandonment, feeling lesser than others, rejection, and feeling dismissed.

The cling

These bullet titles seem like a dead giveaway, but there is more detail than you think.

Anxious-preoccupied individuals value one trait in their relationships over anything: a deep bond and connection with their partner.

It seems like a good quality to have, and it is if the approach is well-timed.

Anxious-preoccupied individuals are prone to fall for what they see in the honeymoon phase.

Our best behavior is on display while pursuing a possible romantic connection.

Yes, it seems like someone is open with us, values our time, displays affection, and goes out of their way to give us attention.

That does not mean they have shown consistent behavior that would validate that view.

What is the result? You guessed it. We become attached to the idea that those short-term small displays have long-term implications.

Now, you’re attached to the idea that your perspective partner is consistently capable of the behaviors they show flashes of.

The mistake anxious-preoccupied individuals make is clinging to the ideal outcome and picture they have painted rather than what is in full display.

Remember our core wounds and triggers from above? That leads to “I should work on an existing relationship because of the potential of being alone.”

The chase

When you are in a relationship without your needs and values in place, but you stay in it, you will begin to chase validation.

Anxious-preoccupied individuals face a struggle in their view of self and view of others, paradigm.

You have a negative view of self and a positive view of others. Those who put that together have looked up at your five core wounds and triggers and had a light bulb moment.

You’re in a position of overvaluing your partner (feeling lesser than). You have given yourself a view that has told you that your partner is worth fighting for because “there is so much potential,” “the good times are amazing,” and “there are times when they do show up.”

You begin to chase after the values you wish existed in your relationship.

Your triggers work differently as an anxiously attached individual. When triggered, you pull toward your partner to find comfort.

You chase the answers that you can’t work through in your mind.

Your fear of abandonment leads you to navigate every possible route to peace in your mind, and you pull toward your partner to find a solution.

What happens when they are resistant to your passes? You feel rejected and move in closer.

You have crossed the line of self-respect: no boundaries in place, not knowing when to walk away, speaking positively of someone who constantly rejects you, and all while self-shaming.

Collapse

Doesn’t it feel like your partner controls the relationship, and you’re fighting for their time and attention?

Now that you have gone months, years, and sometimes decades into the dynamic, anything you do to regain control gives your partner more ammunition to push you away.

“You’re overreacting,” “It isn’t that serious,” “Why do you always have to do this?”

I’ve heard it all before.

Your problem is being scared to walk away. Yes, go back to your trigger/wound list.

The collapse in your dynamic comes when the constant push-pull becomes overwhelming.

The energy in the relationship changes. Your form of shutting down comes in the form of an outburst or self-shaming, and sometimes a combination of the two.

You guessed it, it becomes ammunition for your partner to use and point to what you’re doing wrong.

You begin to take responsibility for blame that shouldn’t be attributed to you.

You find ways to fit into your partner’s model while throwing all the items that make you feel respected and valued out of the window.

Now, you’re unhappy in your relationship.

You cannot “give up” items to “gain” items in a relationship. It feels like a compromise, but that is not how compromise works in a relationship.

You will bury yourself so far into your dynamic that you will constantly give up items in the hope that there is a return on your investment.

You keep investing without return.

Detach yourself from the perceived outcome you think exists and attach yourself to your own outcome statement.

I’d love to help you write it.

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.