The Avoidant and Anxious Dynamic: How to Evade the Explosions

Let me take you on a journey where we review the past after the end of your relationship if you’ve been in the avoidant and anxious dynamic.

Whichever end of the dynamic you’re on you can look back scratching your head wondering how you ever got along and fell for each other in the first place.

Afterall you’re such polar opposites, right? How could this ever work?

How could a relationship work between two people who seemingly trigger each other at every turn?

Well, it’s not exactly as simple as that.

It didn’t start out that way.

At one point the traits you ended up disliking about each other we’re some of the things that drew you to the other person.

Afterall, if you’re anxious preoccupied, it amazes you how someone else can be so calm under pressure, unbothered, and function so well without asking for others help.

The avoidant is equally impressed with someone who can be so open about their feelings, desire a close intimate connection, and be so responsive to kind words and gestures.

These behaviors can exist in a relationship on the positive side of the spectrum, but when we flip to the extreme of each behavior then you begin to see how triggers spark and turmoil is quick to follow.

There is a method to avoid the explosion that is inevitable if this dynamic isn’t checked from the jump.

Tug of war

Starting a relationship in this dynamic can feel like a tall task because you have two people who start on opposite sides on the spectrum.

The anxious partner is quick to seek out bonds and connection and wants to see a path and vision for where relationships are pointing in their life.

Avoidants enjoy peace and harmony and go with the flow in their dynamic without feeling the need to have “the talk” right away.

This couple does well in the honeymoon phase because they are each seemingly get what they want. The highs are very high with avoidants and that’s why it can feel like everything is progressing in the right direction.

It can feel like the anxious partner is enjoying your time and company, while enjoying the moments for what they are.

This is the danger zone you must avoid as the couple in this example.

The honeymoon phase quickly transitions into the power struggle phase if each partner isn’t intentional about their goals and desires from the relationship and its outcome.

To avoid the “where is this going,” conversation with an avoidant, you cannot engage in the casual, easy going, dynamic that they find comfort in. You must draw the boundary about what you expect from someone to have access to you.

For the avoidant, you cannot engage in the acts of a relationship and then push when your partner is pulling toward you and seem alarmed when someone expects to hear about the status of the relationship. If you want casual, then state it from the beginning. If you need time to develop a bond, give a clear picture of what that timeframe is. It is your job.

Open the jar

Open up and feeling like you can share anything with those you are close with is a strong skillset to develop.

Conversely, allowing the space for others to express themselves through their avenue is equally important.

An extreme flare that occurs in this dynamic is each partners ability to receive and give their thoughts and emotions to their partner.

There is a common misconception here that we do have to clear up. I tend to hear that this is mainly the avoidants problem and more of the conflict in this area is their fault and that is not necessarily true.

Anxious individuals don’t like to keep thoughts and emotions to themselves when they are overwhelmed and look for an outlet to get items off of their mind. It sounds like a completely positive trait, but there is a skill to develop which is understanding what you have the power and control to solve on your own.

Avoidants live on the other side of the spectrum. They feel like a burden when they are not self-sufficient problem solvers. Approaching other with their problems feels like a weakness instead of strength through vulnerability.

Again, the push pull happens when each partner isn’t aware of the other partner’s expressions and reception of emotions.

How do I get my anxious partner to take control and solve problems on their own? Anxious partners work through trust. They want to know that they can approach you with a problem and you will be an ear to listen. They are not asking for a problem solver. Ironically, the more you allow the space for expression the less need they have for it because they have security through you.

How do I get my avoidant partner to open up more and stop pushing me away? First, stop pulling. Next, you need to understand that avoidants can say a lot by saying a little. What would take someone 3–5 minutes to explain can come out in a sentence or two for them. Avoidants dread the thought of “peeling things back” or being asked question after question. The conversation has to feel light and, again, ironically, they will open up more.

No, I am not telling you these stages are permanent for each partner, but you have to create the avenue for the road you want to travel later.

Wrap

I know this dynamic is a ticking time bomb if you do not approach these pillars early, but remember that this is your partner. You are not two people working against each other, although it feels that way at times.

Here is something to keep in mind for both partners and I want you to write this down, in permanent marker, on your beds headboard. Your comfort is your partners trigger in this dynamic.

When you feel your most comfortable, it is safe to assume that your partner is not going to be happy.

I know that sounds insane, but that is because each of you are deeply embedded in your behaviors and they seem normal and logical, but the truth is you both have a lot of self-work to do along with practices to introduce to the relationship as you both grow.

Too often, I hear how it is the other person being the problem and “there’s a little I could do.” No, each of you need to develop and learn how your behaviors are effecting you, the other person, and harming the relationship if this is going to work.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.