The Battle of Being Ourselves

Why are we told to be ourselves… but warned not to be too much of ourselves?

Why do we worry about giving too much, being too eager, too vulnerable, too excited, too loud, too scared… yet feel unsettled when someone else holds back, stays silent, or doesn’t show us enough of who they are?

It’s a contradiction we all seem to live with in different kinds of relationships.

I’ve heard more times than I can count: “Don’t give too much of yourself too soon. Don’t overgive quickly.” And I know these phrases mean well… it comes from a place of love and protection. But the battle it creates inside someone is exhausting. Because isn’t the whole point of life, and love, to be ourselves? Isn’t that what we want from other people, too?

The truth is, I have high emotional energy, which is no secret to anyone who meets me. I feel things very deeply. I overthink because I feel so deeply. And I sure love big. And I’ve lived on both sides of this contradiction.

In the past, I’ve gone all in… being fully myself, offering everything that makes me who I am… and I’ve seen how people can take advantage of that openness and generosity. I’ve also pulled myself back… toned myself down, silenced parts of me… to keep someone close a little longer in fear that I’d be too much for them. Neither one felt good.

So where does that leave us?

I think the fear underneath is simple: What if we give all of ourselves to someone who doesn’t deserve it? What if we let someone into our hearts and they don’t protect it? What if our efforts aren’t matched, or our openness isn’t valued? What if they become too comfortable too soon, no longer feeling the need to make an effort once they have access? What if our energy overwhelms them? What if someone takes what they need, then leaves the moment you need them back?

That’s the risk of being human, isn’t it?

We want to be fully seen, but we are terrified of getting hurt.

We also want to see the other person fully, but we are terrified that it is a mask.

I don’t think the answer is to shrink ourselves, or to pour everything out at once. Maybe the answer is to be yourself fully… big, emotional, open, deep, messy, vibrant, loving, passionate… but to leave enough space to see how the other person shows up. To observe, to listen, to let them invest in discovering you piece by piece, rather than handing them a golden plate on day one.

Being yourself doesn’t have to mean being all of yourself instantly. It can mean showing up authentically, while leaving silence for someone else to fill. It can mean being open, but also being aware of whether they meet you there.

Because the right people won’t ask you to shrink, they’ll meet your energy, they’ll cherish your effort, they’ll fall in love with the “too much” you were once told to hide, and they’ll protect everything you are and your heart.

And maybe that’s the real balance: not toning yourself down, but allowing space for someone to make the effort to gain the privilege of seeing all of you.

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This post was previously published on Heart Affairs.

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