Waiting in line? Swipe. On the toilet? Swipe. Making dinner? Swipe. Out with friends? Swipe. On a date? Swipe!
Hey, why not? How else are you going to find Mrs. Right? Right!?
What you’re doing with all that swiping and string of first dates is PBO-ing and you will never fall in love while in that frame of mind.
“Pending Better Offer” is the equivalent of channel surfing. The moment a show gets boring or annoying, we change the channel because we are under the impression we can find something better.
Those TV shows don’t have feelings, they don’t actually care. But we are PBO-ing people—women who have hearts, emotions and hopes of finding a man with whom they can build a committed relationship.
And, of course, if you’re doing it to them then you know there are women who are also doing it to you.
Tom Robbins’s quote—“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love”—hits the nail on the head.
In the Age of Swiping, we are so focused on the LOOKING that we have a hard time contending with the possibility of creating.
You need to have patience; you ought to take care in discovering a person for creating the relationship you both want. Casting her aside after a couple of dates to find someone who seems better will never work out for you if your end goal is falling in love, because you will always have an eye looking out for who could be an upgrade to Mrs. Right Now.
So, how to stop looking and start creating?
Here are some ideas:
- Slow down with the profiles. From my research, the great majority of men don’t even bother with the text below photos. It’s a cursory glance of the photo at best and then a swipe to the right or left. Slow down and actually read her profile, look at her photos, and, if both represent someone you could possibly get along with, start a real conversation.
- If you have mutual friends (Tinder will let you know if you do), ask them if they think you two would be a good match. Don’t settle for a yes or no, ask why. This will help you decide if she is worth pursuing and, if so, steer the conversation into territory that brings you closer.
- Whittle the number of apps down to one or two. Don’t worry about FOMO because it’s practically the same women on each app.
- Two dates minimum, and make each date different. For example, if the first date is coffee or drinks, make the second date a hike.
- Remember that people are fragile and have emotions. Don’t treat the women you meet online like objects; be firm that you will not allow anyone to treat you like an object either.
Will slowing down your swipes find you love? Not necessarily.
But by slowing down and changing that PBO state of mind, you will see the hidden beauty in each person. That hidden beauty is exposed with time and a conscious effort to get to know one another. This goes both ways. You have much more to offer than just your profile photo, and you deserve people who take the time to see it.
First published in Medium