I’ve never been a breadwinner.
My wife and I have been married five years, together for seven. I’ve worked as a journalist nearly all of that time, and if you haven’t heard—journalists make peanuts. Seriously. Mid-level suburban high school babysitters make more than members of the Fourth Estate. But if you’ve got ink in your blood, you do the job because you love it. Money be damned.
Meanwhile she works in banking. As a manager. Which means she doesn’t just make more money than I do, she makes WAY more. At one point it was more than double my salary.
And that bothered me. A lot.
But with time I learned to cope. My wife was fantastic about it and boosted my self-confidence by telling me I work just as hard as she does and I pull my weight around the house. When it comes to our son, I’ve had the majority of caregiving duties because up until a few months ago, she had a very long commute. She also told me I was her anchor, and big paycheck is a distant second to all the emotional support I brought her.
Slowly but surely, I took what she said to heart. I grew into my role as the husband of a breadwinner wife, and even took to the Internet (and this very website) in defense of those who questioned the manhood/work ethic of stay-at-home dads and guys who don’t bring home the bacon.
But as it turns out, I’m not as comfortable with it as I thought.
I accepted a new job earlier this week. And with it comes a bump in salary. Actually, it’s not so much a bump as a quantum leap. That’s a great thing and much needed for our family, so it is perfectly natural to celebrate being able to pay our bills, getting out of our financial hole and providing for our family.
But I wasn’t celebrating those things.
The first thought that popped into my mind was “THANK GOD I’M MAKING MORE MONEY THAN MY WIFE!”
And while my second thought was what a douchebag I am for thinking the first thing, there was no denying that’s what was in my head. I felt a surge of pride, like FINALLY I was a man. A real man. A real man who supports his wife and child with a paycheck, like all real men are supposed to.
If I knew how to hunt I would’ve gone out and killed a wild boar and presented it to my wife with a loud grunt. I felt like walking into the kitchen, unzipping my pants and unfurling my manhood on the kitchen table next to my offer letter. I half expected to see every male relative I’ve ever had to come greet me with a firm handshake and hearty smile, telling me “attaboy” and “welcome to the club.” I felt relief. Overwhelming relief that at long last, I was fulfilling my role.
And then I felt ashamed of being a huge, dumb asshole.
I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know how stupid I am for placing so much value on a paycheck. I have friends in real life and online who are stay-at-home dads and don’t contribute a penny, yet I realize full well they are doing something invaluable. Something far more meaningful than bringing home a paycheck. And if anyone ever told them they weren’t “real men,” I would tear that person a new one.
Yet for me, personally, it’s an issue. I wish that wasn’t the case, but for better or worse my misguided notion of manhood includes how many zeros are in my pay stub. My wife never EVER lorded her salary over me. Not even once. Likewise, I will never taunt her with my paycheck and I certainly don’t plan to do any less at home in terms of chores or raising my son now that I make more money. But I have to face the ugly truth that making less money than my wife is a far bigger issue than I ever realized.
And it bothers me that it bothers me.
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Great article about a topic that infiltrates just about every adult gathering I’ve had as of late. We’ve often flip-flopped earnings roles in our family, and it sounds like both of you have a great perspective on this. There is a common perception still that men should be the breadwinners; there is an equal perception (I believe) that caring for kids isn’t as valuable a job. We all know that it takes all of this heavy-lifting to help a household run. When I lost my high-earning job a couple years ago (housing fall: company bankruptcy) suddenly my husband, for the… Read more »
I understand the underlying idea in this article very very well. I have thought about similar kinds of scenarios, and read about them aswell. Recently I have also experienced this first hand, in an indirect way. I am a medical student, and was forced to take a year off due to failing an exam and not being able to perform anymore. I needed rest and peace. My girlfriend is a wonderful woman, and very intelligent. She is a couple of years younger then me, and she is doing very good in her studies, and upcoming career. She landed a good… Read more »
Aaron: If it makes you feel any better, I think you are very far from alone in this feeling. I have made more money than every single guy I’ve been with in a committed fashion (long-term live-in relationships, one short marriage) for the last 15 years. And much like your wife, I never once lorded it over my partner (in fact I most often totally downplayed my accomplishments, salary, etc) and appreciated them for what they brought to the table and our lives and supported and encouraged their more-often artistic/freelance pursuits. However, it was ultimately a problem in every single… Read more »
I would say a good man is someone who can be resilient and capable, and who works hard for themselves and their family and, hopefully, community, who does their best not to hurt people and who loves and shows their love for the people in their life. That’s my definition of a good woman too. The problem with this is that women tend to be socially trained to show their love/care for their families in different ways to men, so men are taught that you care for your family by providing for them financially. Hopefully we can get to a… Read more »
I think that you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Women probably have more to do with the “a real man works to provide for his wife and children” thing than men do, when ever you hear someone defining what a real men is or isnt, its usually going to be a woman defining real manhood by actions that benefit her. The traditional woman says a “real man” is the breadwinner type. The women that want an egalitarian, feminist or female breadwinner household define “real men” as being those things too. If the technology that enables females to be breadwinners… Read more »
This has nothing to do with feminists nor is it an article about who controls what decisions. It’s about conflict between what I know is right and what I feel. I know people who bring in no/little salary also can bring great value to the relationship in other ways. Yet when it comes to how I view myself, it was jarring to realize that value didn’t hold true for me in my own eyes. It upset me that no matter how much evidence I had to the contrary, in my own mind I was never doing enough for my family… Read more »
Well thats you. the OP here comes across like hes caught himself in an act of politically incorrect crimethink, feels guilt and then confesses to his crimes and self- flagellates for atonement here at one of the churchs of feminism.
I am the OP.
I think that it’s interesting that you insist that it’s women that have a “men must earn tons of money in order to be men” mindset, when the article (as well as the 1st comment) specifically indicate that the women were supportive and didn’t mind the income imbalance. So who, exactly, are you talking about? Both partners have to contribute to the household – but whether that contribution is a paycheck or other some other important tasks is not an issue. The author is struggling because he felt he had to out-earn his wife to be a “man”, not because… Read more »
Are you addressing me Linsey? Thats a bit of a strawman I think, I’ll chat with you about my positions so long as you don’t say that I’m saying things that I didn’t actually say. What I said was that women define what a “real man” is according to their requirements at a given stage of technological and economic advancement, and I also never said that women judge men entirely on their paycheck. I should add that the designers of the economy also play a large role in defining what a “real man” or “real woman” is (remember the shame… Read more »
You said: “Women probably have more to do with the “a real man works to provide for his wife and children” thing than men do”. I’m not sure how I interpreted that incorrectly, as it seems pretty clear that that’s what you wrote. If you’re saying that “women define what a “real man” is according to their requirements at a given stage of technological and economic advancement” then you’re saying that it’s women that define masculinity, correct? My point was that no where in this article did any woman play any part in what the OP thought or felt. Just… Read more »
I can’t say that I think that the need to be the breadwinner is something that is hardwired in men because I’m a woman and I feel exactly the same way. My partner makes three times what I do and there is the possibility that he will get a substantial raise in the near future. Of course it’s “our” money, but It still bugs me. I’ve recently gone back to school and nearly chose a different major not just because I’d make more money, but because I’d make more money than him. No joke. That thought actually went through my… Read more »
I know exactly how you feel. In my house, we have switched the “breadwinning” role a few times during our marriage. After our wedding, I was the one bringing home the bacon while my wife finished her master’s degree. When she finished, I went back to school and she worked. Since she now had a master’s in occupational therapy, she started off making nearly TRIPLE what I was making. After a few years of her supporting me through school (which I didn’t even finish), she got pregnant. We had always agreed that she would stay at home while we raised… Read more »
The problem is with the last paragraph is that women provided for the family too. In hunter-gatherer societies, everyone relied more on women’s work (the gathering part) because meat was a rare treat since hunting is no doubt a difficult thing, particularly with crude tools. So it’s not hardwired into men’s brains anymore than it is in women. It’s culturally conditioned, which has just as much an effect on the human race as thousands of years of evolution.