Jackie Summers would rather be alone than with someone who is not right for him. Still, he wonders.
This is not the life I thought would be mine.
I know that few people get to live the life they claim to want, but no one could have convinced me twenty, ten, even five years ago, that at 42, I’d be alone. My tales of Fucking in Brooklyn notwithstanding, what I want is a wife, and children, a family of my own.
Don’t get me wrong, my life as it is ain’t bad. I make a comfortable living doing stuff I love, my home is cozy, my health is sparkling, my friends are amazing. And my sex life…? Well it’s worth writing about.
In some ways I’m the consummate bachelor I never wanted to be. I have guy friends my age who have kids graduating from high school, who are thinking about retirement, who prefer watching football to having sex, who haven’t seen their penises in years, and who regard my unencumbered socialite life with a dash of envy. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not forcing myself to come to terms with the unpleasant reality that I might never have a family of my own.
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Obviously if it was only about making babies I could do that; as I tell my mom every time she asks me when she is going to have grandkids from me, “be glad I’m a responsible man, or you’d have them already.” I know could adopt as well; marriage has not been a prerequisite to being a parent for a long time. Yes I can still produce viable sperm into my sixties but I really have no desire to be pushing a baby stroller and collecting social security (if it is still around by then). For that matter if all I wanted was a partner, I’m sure I could find someone who’d marry me. Despite the fact that I’m aging slowly and gracefully, I’m actually not getting any younger. So why am I still single?
Because I refuse to settle.
No one is perfect, and that’s not what I’m looking for. But I know what it is to feel that connection with a woman, to get butterflies in my stomach every time I think of her. I know what it is to spend endless hours talking, laughing, learning, sharing. I know what it is to make love all night to my best friend, and while it’s impossible to avoid chores, bills and other necessary items of daily life, I just don’t see the point in getting into an ordinary routine with someone who isn’t extraordinary.
This is a difficult choice to make, and it becomes more difficult every day. I see people all around me settle for less, for a variety of reasons, all valid. Companionship, child-rearing, sexual longing, even managing finances–these are all needs that can be fulfilled with someone you’re not madly in love with. So why not accept a little less than what I really want to attend to these other legitimate and pressing desires?
I’ve been married. I know how much compromise, how much sacrifice, how much work is involved in maintaining a household. Getting married means giving up a lot, including the right to act on the never-ending desire to chase women. My single life is varied and interesting, and I’m reticent to give it up for anything less than someone who makes me feel it’s all worthwhile, because (cue Jax’s maxim of the day) the second you settle for less than you deserve, you deserve what you settled for.
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I know many unhappy couples. I hear the complaints: the boredom, the petty arguments, the vague dissatisfaction, the lousy sex, the abuse. I also know many happy couples; real friends who love spending time with each other, who’s passion for each other is not diminishing over time or under the weight of adult responsibilities. To the one, the difference is: happy couples are the ones who didn’t settle. They married because they fell, and stayed madly in love.
And then there’s my Mom and Dad. My parents were married for fifty-six years until my Dad died six years ago, God rest his soul. They had their fare share of problems for sure, but they never stopped loving, never stopped being affectionate, never stopped dating, and they were still sexually active until my dad got sick in his early eighties.
The choice to stick together and make it work is a conscious one, and one you can make, in theory, with anyone. No matter how much you love (or barely tolerate) someone, there are going to be challenges you will have to face together. If you are going to go thru all of the problems that marriage brings one way or another, why go thru it with someone you don’t absolutely adore? Why not go thru all of that with someone you’re crazy about?
The decision not to settle means I spend an inordinate amount of time alone. It means I have no one to help me with bills, no warm dinner to come home to, no one to tell my day to many nights, no one to do laundry for me if I’m tired, no movie buddy, no one holding me close at night, and no healthy evolving sexual relationship. It also means I have no one person I can share all of the good in my life with. And as each year passes and i grow smarter and more emotionally and financially stable, I drastically reduce the statistical possibility of finding a partner who meets my qualifications.
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It also means I have to put up with no one’s bullshit but my own. Sure being single sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone who’s not right for me; I’ve done that. I know I’m risking living alone for the rest of my life. But life is a risk, and it’s only the people who are willing to take real chances who get real rewards.
I want to make the most money I can make, doing the best job I can do, spending time with the best people I can find, living in the best home I can afford. Why would I treat my love life with any less respect than the rest of my life? I love a challenge, and it is far more challenging (and more satisfying) to try to seduce one woman night after night than a different woman every night. I don’t just want a relationship; I want a great relationship, and great relationships are a lot like baking: you need the right mix of ingredients, heat, and time. If I don’t want and try to get the best for me, who will?
It might sound like I want a fairy tale, but I’m just not ready to give up on what I want out of life and love. I’m still looking for the upside: I still want to believe I will love again. Does anyone really want to wake up every morning, roll over, look deeply into their partner’s eyes and say “honey, I’m so glad I settled for you?” Does any woman want to be thought of as “the one he settled for” instead of “the one he waited for?”
This is not the life I thought would be mine. But the life I want is still out there, hoping I don’t settle, hoping I don’t give up on it. I refuse to settle. As hard as it is, I’m willing to wait for the things I want and feel I deserve out of life.
But I sure wouldn’t complain if life would HURRY THE FUCK UP.
This has been my dilemma for many years now. To settle or not to settle, that isnthe question. Being an only child it is all too easy to be alone. But in the aloneness, i cant grow, learn and chqnge. I have to take risks for that. Sometimes i think the risk i need to take is to make the choice to love someone even when i feel im settling. None of the woman i have broke up with were unworthy or incapable of learning to love, biulding a friendship and committing to sticking it out when things get hairy,… Read more »
I am 44 and this was the first birthday I had where I really started to grieve for the child I never had. I wasn’t much the settling down type because I wanted to be able to experience people who came along in my life. I did not want to have a child without a partner and some stability. It is crazy how fast time goes by in life. It is amazing how strong the desire to procreate is. I am the only child of an only child…all women and our family line ends with me.
Thank you Jackie, another fine article.
And I’m in a similar place to yours: at 49, I had several chances to “settle”, but they weren’t what I was really looking for.
On one hand it sounds like “wanting too much”. OTOH, it’s just honesty: I know what I want and need, settling for less would just be lying to myself and my partner.
So I’m looking for my “soul-mate”, and waiting.
But I can’t help wondering: “What if that person will never show up?!?”
I too am in a similar situation. I am 39, a physician and have lived (and moved) all over the world to follow my job. However, pursuing this career means you spend 12-15 years of your life in a significant relationship with schooling/training (plus a few years getting yourself established). While some are capable of ‘having it all’ (i.e. starting a relationship, getting married, raising a family while in undergrad/medical school/residency), I don’t think I could have accomplished what I have unless I would have been single-mindedly dedicated. I have a great (and stable) job, good friends and an awesome… Read more »
this writer wrote nothing about “how important ” it is to have a mutual- relationship…I wonder if he really understands that although “SEXUAL ATTRACTION can be IMMEDIATE- LOVE TAKES TIME BECAUSE IT INVOLVES LEARNING…
sounds to me like its not a matter of him “not settling,” its more about being a bit too picky about things that may “fade”or evolve in time…. I think he still needs to play the field….
He doesnt seem ready for a true, blue long lasting relationship….
Hmmm…. I wrote a lengthy comment on the other thread of settling only to have it eaten by an IE crash. I would like to disabuse everyone of the concept that they don’t or won’t settle. For all intents and purposes, everyone settles. It’s a mathematical certainty. Fortunately, Jackie is not looking for Ms. Right (unlike the other author), but is looking for someone who he doesn’t feel he’s settling for. He doesn’t seem to think that there’s that one perfect person for him (there isn’t. That’s fantasy) that he’s waiting for. He’s waiting for someone who he doesn’t think… Read more »
That is a good distinction. No one is perfect, but I see not settling as finding someone who fits you well and all of their imperfections are ones you can handle. I wouldn’t say that finding someone who is Mr./Ms. Right means that there will be no compromises, because there really are in any relationship.
There are definitely nuances in the “not settling” idea.
This is wonderful to hear. I am only 21, but have been of this opinion for several years now. My parents are deeply concerned that I have no constant significant other and scoff when I explain why I break things off with women who are not right for me. It’s great to hear that others share this view.
I completely support the whole not settling thing. Our society really tries to push the “you must be in a relationship to be happy” but it seems more people are realizing that being in a relationship that doesn’t work for them makes them very unhappy. A relationship doesn’t make happiness, the right person makes happiness. And being single has many benefits until you find that right person.
Exactly, Artemis. Even well-meaning comments like “Don’t you eventually want something more?” implies that being single is somehow “less.” It’s not–at least, not for me, and not for a lot of other singles I know.
For many of us, getting married and having kids would really be “settling for something less.” After all this time, it’s still tough for society to figure out the concept of live-and-let-live, to-each-his-own, etc.
When you were interviewed for that MSNBC special Love at First Byte, you were quoted as saying that you had had 2,000 online dates. I’m curious how you a) got that many dates and b) haven’t seemed to meet anyone with whom you could establish a long term connection? The relationships you write about sound like they happened in the past. I’m not sure what is recent and what isn’t. It doesn’t appear as though you’ve had a relationship since you began writing here, and I’ve only but made it through a few months of your blog and you never… Read more »
Excellent questions Anna. The MSNBC special was about online dating, but not all of the dates were from meeting people online. I live in NYC and have always found meeting people easy; forming real, lasting connections is the challenge. If you’ve been reading the blog, look at stories like “The Precipice” and “The Frequency” and you will see that I have been able to establish that kind of deep connection, only to have it broken by the other person. As the mention of anything recent: the period of time covered in the blog starts at the end of my marriage… Read more »
I can’t imagine you ever being invisible. You are gorgeous.
Anthony, if you knew the women I’ve loved, you’d know they are far from “almost perfect butterflies”. Not that that doesn’t work for some people, it just doesn’t work for me. Dates? Been on plenty. Wives? Had one, didn’t work out. Connection? Genuine connection with another human being that challenges and refreshes at the same time? Yes, please.
JFB
This is a great response…… I agree…
Think carefully before you commit. There is a kind of man who enjoys selling and, above all, enjoys selling himself. I think you are this kind of man. Men who thrive on the hunt are deeply unhappy in committed relationships — and they make their partners unhappy also.
I could be wrong. Again, best of luck.
Jackie, your story reads like an add in a singles magazine:
“Ambitious and successful leader with highly discriminating taste looking for (almost) perfect butterfly inducing life partner who I will cherish and protect for ever and ever.”
Are you looking for a wife, or are you looking for a date (or ten)? To an MRA, your self portrait looks very much like game. If this is not your intent, I apologize. If this is your intent, you have answered your own question. You do not want to be married, nor should you.
Good luck, either way.
Great article..
It’s always good to have choices in life especially if you’ve fought hard for those options in the first place but I’m wondering if you might be have a problem elevating your humility past your confidence.
I have a question, In your dating life have you ever met a partner who shares the exact same notions of prosperity as yourself?
Budmin, I’ll confess to having an ego proportionate to my age and accomplishments. I’m grateful for family and friends who are willing to take me down a peg, should I ever get too full of myself. Have I met a partner who shares my notions of prosperity? Let’s put it this way: when the bard said “tis better to have loved and lost” he was lying.
JFB
Oh, I hate to the be the ass who corrects spelling, because otherwise it’s a wonderful piece, but because you said it so many times, I thought it was worth someone finally telling you, “thru” is the informal and pretty much SMS abbreviation for the proper word “through.” Not that your writing should be entirely undermined by a small mistake, but it does help taking things just a bit more seriously if it looks like you’re not typing a text message. Now that I sound like a total jerk, let me say I actually love this article and agree entirely.
Anon, correction taken. Apologies for my grammar.
JFB
Sure being single sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone who’s not right for me; I’ve done that.
Yes, yes, a zillion times yes.
Kirsten, happiness is relative. While I don’t need a significant other to be happy, it sure does frost the cake of good things in life.
JFB
Agreed. And *unhappy* with someone who’s not a good match is really a shit sandwich. Been there. Done that. Not making that mistake again.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Jackie, but since I’m in a completely opposite state emotionally–I LOVE being single, have never felt alone, and have never wanted kids–I can’t really offer anything but generic good wishes.
CL, don’t get me wrong. My single life has never been uninteresting. At some point, a guy just wants more.
Thank you for the kind wishes.
JFB
Jackie, I agree with you entirely. You have a great grasp of what it takes to produce your contentment and it would be absolutely bucket-headed for you to do otherwise. I didn’t get married until I was 40 for many of the same reasons. I had a daughter that I wanted to model sanity, stability, and true and lasting romance for her. I tried. I was wrong. I will be 50 in a few months and I’ve been separated for about two months. Perhaps I should’ve expected that when I took the risk of marrying a man nearly 12 years… Read more »
Eden I’ve been a bucket-head for lesser reasons. I’m trying to be smarter this time around. I don’t think adoring someone I adore is too much to ask for.
JFB
IMHO, I think you’re right on track. Keep doing you, Jackie.
I can put my citation book away now. 🙂
Eden – The Intimacy Officer
It helped to hear this from you. I’m in my 40’s and going through a similar situation.
That which is worth having is worth waiting for.
JFB
I felt exactly the same way at 42: top of my game, successful in a creative field, deeply involved with great friends, and having a pretty good sex life. Fast forward to me at 50. Nothing has changed except I’m less desirable, and therefore less likely to find that perfect person. Add to that at 50, you simply start to become invisible. It sounds weird, but it’s very true. Don’t wait to find out.
Will, desirability is such a strange thing. I can only hope if I date age appropriate, women will still find me attractive. A guy’s gotta hope.
JFB
Hi Jackie, I have been feeling much the same way; thank you for putting it into words for me (I guess that is a form of validation.) I, too, don’t want to wait forever, but instead of having a raucous sex life, I am “waiting” (at least for now!) in that aspect, too. Whoever gets there and deserves it will surely be letting the tiger out of its cage! Hmmmm…….By the way, have you ever visited Colorado? Would you like to? 😉 – Alexa
Alexa there is something to be said for the raucous sex life, but waiting for what you really want? Difficult but almost always a better option.
JFB