The Chasm Between a Female Best Friend and a Husband Pt. 2

It feels like years have passed ever since I discussed this topic. I feel that I have lived out cycles of happiness, unhappiness, rejection, loyalty, betrayal, and all the ways in which relationships can rise or fall.

For one thing, post-college working years for a girl can be one of the most loneliest years of her life. Then, aging and losing loved ones and connections, one by one is inevitable. Aging is basically one long path to loneliness. In today’s emotionally incapacitated, capitalistic, production-driven world, we are living day to day with limited connection and dependence upon one another. To add to this sad reality, the Covid-19 Pandemic has put our species at an even bigger edge in terms of the fight for survival.

As with the moving of life in uncontrollable directions, I have had to say goodbye to old friendships, which could never be replaced again. Making new friends and having meaningful female friendships is hard enough for competitive women. To add to this tragedy is the fact that once you are married, you learn about the difference in standards of treatment. Of course my spouse treats me better than all my female friends combined. I am one of the lucky ones who have found someone so kind hearted and happy-go-lucky, that I could give up anything in this world to keep our fire burning bright, night after night.

Yet, I am also plagued by the feelings of animosity, resentments and insecurity it can brew to other women, some of whom I might even want to extend the hand of friendship toward. Which then rolls me into another thought train about the difference between a husband and a female friend, and the ways each of them contribute to our lives.

Life is not a fairytale. Although my spouse makes most of it feel alive for me, I too have felt, seen and known the ways in which relationships die off with new milestones, movements and career trajectories. The valleys of our heart can swallow us whole when we peer into their emptiness for too long. They become large and loom over us like bullies in a schoolyard. They ask to be invited to every place we go, including every conversation and interaction with our loved ones. These valleys grow into molehills. They are spiteful and revengeful if fed with our internal hatred and insecurities.

Despite knowing all this, I still find it very hard to let my guard down. A part of me feels the need to keep a bulletproof emotional vest on, just in case anyone ever tries to hurt me. Another part of me feels disgraceful and ungrateful for asking for more than I have, which in part also has its weight. The rest of me just sees how childlike our whims can sometimes be, asking other people (men or women) to fulfill in us what could only be filled by God and the rest left to rest.

Yet, I cannot run my entire life on a never-ending to-do list.

I need rest. I need solace. I needs sisterhood.

Of course, with all being said and done, I have also realized what these desires have in common; a subjugation to the bitter reality of adulthood, that we all bite into day after day. At least I know, that I am no more alone than the stranger next door, whether it may be male or female. And when I open my heart up to my spouse, and lay this barrenness in front of him, it does happen to relieve me of so many things, including the guilt at wanting friendship with the same sex, while functioning in a hyper-competitive world. Even without a female best friend, my husband provides me a type of cathartic solace that I relegate to fantasy figures, ones that perhaps I skipped ropes with as a child. Only this time, the only thing we skip is my internal train of thoughts which serve no real purpose other than to bring me down.

I have spent a bit of time dissecting what it is that makes my husband stick out as different than a female best friend. Being someone of the opposite sex, I also find I have a pre-disposition about the things I can share openly and vulnerably with him, without pushing him into the uncomfortable spot of thinking it’s his job to save the day. Because sometimes, even Superman needs a day off ❤ ❤ ❤. At the same time, I am lucky, and have also actively chosen to be with someone who is able to take these growing pains and not run away in disgust. Perhaps that’s another difference between a husband and a female best friend.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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