Have you ever felt like everything that came to you from the outside was too intense and too much to handle?

You pile it on and lose your cool. The pressure makes you feel like you have to act straight away, so you overreact. You can see that nobody takes you seriously because of your erratic behavior. The regret makes you run away, both from them and yourself.

I was a joke during my 20’s.

If I’d met myself back then in a bar, I would never have sat down and had a drink with that dude.

Maybe you’ve seen me.

A starving artist wrapped in a hip raincoat. Read six books with fancy titles and thought I knew it all. I hid behind endless streams of empty words which would suffocate and bore to death.

I was a pretentious and self-consumed parrot who always tried his hardest to speak like giving an interview to The New York Times.

Trying to appear simpatico.

People pleaser. Anxious to leave a likable impression. Avoiding the gym so I wouldn’t become muscular. Not eating too much out of fear of getting fat. You know the type.

Maybe you’ve been there too.

Maybe you are like the old me today.

A glimpse of potential.

I get it. You’re a mess and it’s okay. Let me introduce you to a couple of values that shaped my sad existence back then.

My old crappy values

My superficial personal development consisted of attending tai chi with a couple of elderly ladies and a very strange guy. I then took an informal acting training for four years.

During the course, in a supportive environment, there was an exercise of simply reacting based on your impulses and expressing yourself to your stage partner or the audience.

My upbringing had made me withdrawn and wary, but the exercise set me free.

I thought I’d finally figured it out.

But in reality, I just caught up on puberty at 26.

Back then, the premise of living your inner child was very popular. I took the idea and cooked it up according to my own recipe.

My interpretation was: I’m free to express everything I feel and think as if I were a child. This was supported by the misconception of free speech, uniqueness of artistic expression and other generic intellectual crap I never understood but embraced like a holy grail.

Bottom line, I thought I was as special as the Roi Soleil himself.

The world owed me some recognition.

I placed value on noise and chaos. I became a louder and more passionate person who defended himself and his interests. I allowed myself to pick fights with other people.

In reality, I was still a selfish scumbag.

Nobody besides my mother and a couple of friends wanted to see my show.

Eventually, this catapulted me into a giant fireball of anxiety.

If you’re there, that’s okay, too.

Living in the shadow of these values for thirty years had made me powerless and miserable.

These reactive traps had to go. But first, I had to experience breakups and humiliations, and admit the truth to myself.

I was a nobody. I went to get that drink with myself and start over.

Again.

New values

For the past five years, I’ve been going to therapy, studying everything I could find useful online, sponging off various virtual mentors, taking all sorts of courses on personal growth.

What I’ve discovered about myself in the process is a serious lack of structure, discipline, and genuine interest in other people.

I finally took some decent action.

I’ve started to take care of my finances. I’ve entered a real relationship with my girl, which inspired me to do even deeper work on myself.

I’ve defined my boundaries, cut the toxic shit, continue to cut the toxic shit, people and environments and leave some space for new people and opportunities.

I’m capable to shift my perspective outside of myself and give all I’ve got to others.

My most important value today is this: I will become who I choose to become every 2 seconds of my existence. Every 2 seconds are an open space gallery for decision and action.

People call it all sorts of things: consciousness, wisdom, freedom, power, responsibility.

You can call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is — this guy gets shit done.

Benefits

For the past five months, I’ve been living the healthiest and most fulfilling days of my life.

I’ve taken my measly discipline to another level with my writing. I’ve put my attention on my most treasurable relationships. I’ve given more than I’ve asked from the community.

From the person who’d always wished he had the balls to live in a mountain cabin, I’ve become the person who’s been living in a mountain cabin for five months now.

Let me give you an example that changed it all for me.

Over the last month, I’ve only missed one day working out.

I went for a swim instead.

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While monitoring the process I’ve noticed a huge change.

This new habit has given me the ability to act from a space of confidence.

For example, if my girlfriend says something that triggers me, I now have a different perspective on how to react. 98% of the time, it doesn’t turn into a fight.

I apologize.

I give up on being right, I observe my feelings and let her experience hers.

It all comes down to if I will choose the new me or not.

This has shifted my view of my relationship, made me a better decision-maker, improved my drive and focus. I started to see a glimpse of authority.

The 2 seconds give me the time to align myself with the new me.

For the rest of my life, I will remember these 2 seconds. They decide whether I’m really acting from the place of responsibility and making another leap or remaining stuck in the reactive mode from my past.