The Comeuppancification of Breakups

There were variations of the same meme that made their way around the internet titled: “Beat it, Chick.”

The idea is that on the first panel, you have a young (typically Black) kid in high school trying to talk to the popular girl. She is too invested in the star athlete to pay attention to him and dismiss him. On the second panel, the same nerdy kid is now a business executive, and the same young woman is pregnant, alone, and desperate for someone’s companionship. Thus, we get the line “beat it, chick.”

We need to learn that this particular piece of media was created and painted with misogynoir. The notion that young Black women wholesale reject good-natured, intelligent men, who may not embody the stereotypical elements of attractive masculinity, is a real concept that exists in many people’s view. And at times, that can be dangerous, the overgeneralization of an entire group of women.

However, that isn’t the only theme that is being expressed in the text bubbles or the pictures.

The meme is also trying to relay to the reader or even garner camaraderie in what I call relationship commuppance. People who feel that a potential partner or current partner, or spouse, has done them wrong may reconnect in a few months or years and be more successful, while the breaker of hearts is down on their luck.

Maybe the brokenhearted lost weight.

Maybe they gained muscle.

Maybe they built that business.

Maybe they have that degree, and now they are respected in their field.

We can think of so many ways that someone may end up “stepping up” in life. And one of the dilemmas is that this theme or concept is very cinematic but not indicative of the lived real experience.

And that is okay. Let me explain.

How Media Influenced Our Perception

I noticed that this is a very common theme in art.

The downtrodden, love-lost recipient of the break-up who gets a better life after their relationship has ended, or is fueled to make changes, thanks to the rejection they have sustained.

And more often than not, our films, shows, and music all echo similar sentiments. The person who leaves has a far worse life after removing themself or rejecting the main character.

And the main character, maybe their lives turn better individually, or maybe they are swept off their feet by a nicer, more gentle spirit who has everything they need emotionally.

These stories, whether we acknowledge or not, coerce the mind into believing that this is a very real concept, or one that occurs all the time. And much like that meme, if it occurs enough, we expect it to happen for us. In a vacuum, it seems like a plot device or standard story told, but its potency lies in the fact that we, too, have tasted heartbreak, and we, too, hope that it is the outcome.

We expect that moment where the person realizes the grass was never greener on the other side, and they want to return to our side of the world that was deemed too problematic, too lazy, too mundane, too overweight, too broke, all the different “too’s”.

But what is the appeal of this, though? Why does it stubbornly continue in our discourse, cascading from generation to generation?

We Bring Our Pain To The Situation

If you all remember that a few pieces ago, we spoke about rejection.

And one of the integral pieces to the essay that I brought forth was that, rejections piercing stab may also have to do with our human understanding of how those who don’t meet the standard of beauty are treated. To be rejected multiple times may make you believe that you are deserving of less humanity and respect because you are deemed “ugly” or “undesirable”.

I am not so against the notion that this thought about rejection may very well be a part of this conversation about pondering and waiting for that meeting with our former lover, crush, husband, wife, or partner.

We want to see their misery so that our suffering feels as though it was necessary for our benefit. That we didn’t just go through heartbreak or rejection for rejection’s sake, but that it helped us get a better life.

Perhaps even more motivating, our rejection was a one-off flaw by the person or people, but we are valued by another.

The bags under their eyes, the cracks on the side of their lips, maybe their weight gain, or unhealthily losing weight, that may incite some glee. We may believe that this situation for them would never have happened if we had just been valued in the first place. If they chose us or stayed.

So when that moment arises, if it does, we hold ourselves with dignity but inside beam at the state of the person who caused us pain. And if we don’t see them, we assume they must be struggling, that they must be suffering without our gaze.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t how real life works.

Real Life

Real life isn’t a Dhar Mann video.

And it’s not supposed to be.

I remember I went through a few breakups, and I was still seduced by the old paradigm of thinking. I believed that my life would be so much better, I would achieve my dreams, and I would have so much to show when that mythical day came when we crossed paths.

I didn’t.

My life started to buckle behind the scenes. I didn’t have a string of good fortune to hold onto like a rope. The mythology broke apart under me.

And still, members of my family nursing their own heartbreaks tried to fortify this false principle. They were trying to motivate with lies.

But what became of my partners, my significant others?

Many of them flourished after our relationships. Some graduate with degrees and honors that let them step forward into their desired lives. Others found jobs that gave them purpose and afforded them the perfect balance of work and life. Most of them went into other, more successful relationships.

And I was perplexed as to why I didn’t have their stories. Why was I the one who was left, and yet my life continued to collapse underneath me? Was I the one holding them back? Was I actually the antagonist?

I realized the truth after several failures.

This wasn’t a battle between good and evil. It wasn’t a movie with a moderately annoying, plucky main character, who is supposed to reinvent himself like a phoenix when it is all over.

No.

We were just teenyboppers trying to find our way, navigating the quicksand of love and relationships, beyond the view of our parents. We played the game of musical chairs. Fate just had it when the music stopped, I was the one standing by myself.

It was a hard pill to swallow. To reckon with the fact that “real life” cares little for rom-com storytelling.

I don’t take things so personally anymore. I never knew the ebb and flow of time moves away from you and towards you. And sometimes, as unfortunate as it may be, there is no magnet yanking good fortune back in your direction. If that were true, the best of us would be the most wealthy, and the most evil would die young.

Love is love; it isn’t about who gets to feel it because they have the biggest wound when it’s all over.

The Comeuppancification of Breakups

Comeuppance is defined as a punishment or fate that someone deserves.

So much of the human experience is fraught with attempts to find out why we go through pain.

And sometimes in those moments where we can’t explain, or we feel it is unjust, we try and look for other means to quantify and explain a way the circumstances.

Breakups are one of those circumstances, as well.

We so often want to tie our pain with a false promise that those who caused it, whether intentionally or unintentionally, will rue the day they decided to shatter our hearts and dreams. Sometimes that does happen. But, it isn’t a guarantee.

The true healing from heartbreak must be done by working on yourself, not running into another relationship as we spoke of a few pieces ago.

And not praying or wishing the downfall of someone who broke your heart.

Healing comes with justice. Justice is representing, advocating for, and fighting for yourself and others.

Healing doesn’t come with revenge and retribution.