The Concept of Body Positivity Is Seriously Flawed

“Show some respect!“

I just watched a random TV dating show and wanted to scream at the girls scratching each other’s eyes out. Mostly by mean comments about their looks.

Show some respect! For yourself and others.

Hate speech and body shaming always leave marks. If you recognize it or not. It’s time to think about a counter concept of body shaming and the limiting reduction to appearances. That is why body positivity is, rightfully so, such a big topic. Being body positive means accepting and valuing your own body as it is. It means to value yourself, regardless of the way you look. First and foremost is self-respect. Beyond dents, wide hips, and pigmentation spots. Closely followed by respect for other bodies and their peculiarities.

At best, this results in a self-confidence that has freed itself from beauty ideals and is based on mutual respect. Insecurities that have accumulated in us over years or decades will not disappear overnight, of course, just because you have mentally dealt with your self-perception. This takes time, habituation, and good role models. To think that body positivity is the magic word for self-confidence at the push of a button would be pretty naive. Beauty ideals don’t suddenly lose all their power just because we now wish they did.

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Who Is the Most Positive About Their Body?

Body positivity should not create pressure to perform, according to which the winner is the one who is most positive about their body.

It’s painstaking work. Try not to be too hard on yourself. And try to forgive yourself for the weakness of bending to ideals again and again. In fact, I don’t even want to call it a weakness. After all, we’re fighting against ideals that greet us at every turn. Against an entire industry that doesn’t want us to feel good. Because then we’ll stop buying all their self-optimization crap. There’s a lot of money to be made from our dissatisfaction. And so a lot of money is invested in keeping us dissatisfied. This is not a small opponent. And thus, being defeated by this is no weakness.

What’s important is this: We are not the opponent. We’re not fighting against ourselves. But we’re not the victim either. We’re simply in the middle of it and have to decide every day on whose side we want to be. When things are going well, we decide for our own side as often as possible.

By being less harsh with ourselves and others, we dismantle the power of the fashion and advertising industries. If we manage to reconcile more and more people with their bodies, then normal models may soon no longer be the exception. But to do that, we have to stop pecking at each other’s feathers like crows or even putting ourselves down. Respect for both sides.

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Three Ideas Worth Thinking About

As with all good basic ideas, there is of course a fly in the ointment when it comes to body positivity. To call every outer appearance beautiful without thinking about it would be another dictate, wouldn’t it?

To me, there are three points that are worth thinking about:

Body positivity also associates the concept of beauty with happiness. When I feel beautiful, I become happy. So happiness again depends on beauty.
The body positivity movement tends to exclude others when it should be for everyone. Why are only people who deviate from the prevailing ideal of beauty allowed to consider themselves body positive? Because it supposedly costs them more effort? Even a person who is considered beautiful in the popular sense can struggle and be unhappy because of a distorted self-image.
Body positivity should not mean that I have to be happy with myself at all times and under all circumstances. There is a world of difference between the socially imposed compulsion to self-optimization and the desire to eat healthier and do more sports, for example. I find the tendency for women to be booed for visually conforming to the ideal of beauty atrocious.

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Why So Much Hate?

To now condemn being thin as something abnormal is also body shaming. We do not know if the typical models are not just naturally slim. We don’t know if they want to be. But most importantly, we have no business judging them.

I also don’t accept it when curvy models are criticized for putting on makeup, dressing pretty, and photoshopping their photos — and they better not do sports! I mean, does anyone seriously expect curvy women to do without makeup and sports? That they do not put themselves in the best light? A restaurant would not renounce its good food appetizingly, just to be more authentic. Why should a woman do that? Making herself pretty is not a betrayal of any ideals. The problem begins where we believe that we are no longer worth anything without creams and makeup and whatever.

Body positivity wants to help the body in all its facets to be recognized. The focus for me is whether a person feels comfortable in his or her body and respects him- or herself. So, first of all, any form that the human body can take is okay. As long as the person doesn’t have to submit to any external constraints. And if a girl is very thin by nature — who am I to reproach her for that? Do I know what it looks like inside her? Why should I attack her? Does it make me feel better about my own body? Turning the tables and claiming that something can be wrong with those who fit the ideal doesn’t help.

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The Better Way to Give Compliments

Embracing diversity and variety should not stop where attractiveness begins. What we want and need instead is respect. So just take a step back and ask yourself if there’s a better way to give compliments. What would encourage you and give you confidence? Is it compliments on your appearance? What compliments really give us something?

Are there people in your life who inspire you? Who always make you laugh? With whom you can also be sad sometimes. Who are reliable. Are there people who inspire you to look at things from a new perspective? There are so many beautiful compliments we can give out that are so much more fulfilling. For both sides.

Let’s start appreciating what someone says. What character traits they bring to the table, what they do or don’t do. What we find extraordinary. What cheers us up. What gives us a good feeling. And not just how cool their makeup is. Even though it’s good to hear. It shouldn’t be the only thing that matters. Let’s give people respect for what makes them tick. And not for how they look.

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Let’s Be Role Models for Self Positivity

I often wonder how the upcoming generation copes with the pressures of everyday life, both real and virtual. What does that do to those who are just entering puberty or are in the middle of it? Who are a bundle of insecurity and self-doubt anyway and haven’t even had the chance to build up a decent sense of self yet? When I look at profiles of very young girls on Instagram, I can’t shake the impression that they are at the mercy of influencers and the advertising world.

That’s why it’s up to us to show other ways and offer alternatives. My appeal: Let’s be good to ourselves. Our body is a crazy machine that can do incredible things. Let’s be a little nicer to it. Let’s listen to our own needs instead of letting ourselves be talked into them. Let’s stop denying ourselves respect. And let’s not stop at our bodies and body positivity.

Let’s move toward self positivity. It encompasses all the currently discussed concepts like mindfulness, self-love, body positivity, and conscious nutrition. And links them together to create a holistic way of life. To a positive mindset based on empathy, acceptance, and respect. I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself. To say no. To draw boundaries. You don’t have to like everything. It’s great to have your own opinion. Be loud, be quiet. Be gentle or be tough. It’s about living a self-determined, free, and unrestricted life in all its facets without apologizing for it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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