Anger can be a destructive emotional cocktail.
There is anger mixed with anxiety, anger tinged with stress, anger boiling over with resentment.
There are thousands of different kinds of anger.
Anger can destroy relationships, eat you alive by turning into resentment, and you can become easily addicted to anger like drugs or alcohol.
Anger can be passed on from one generation to the next, and if you think you don’t struggle with it, depression is often suppressed anger.
Maybe, you bottle up your anger — like me.
You can become addicted to anger
In her article, “Anger’s Allure: Are You Addicted to Anger?” Jean Kim M.D. says anger releases the same pleasure-seeking chemical in the brain that’s activated from drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, and other addictions.
That’s why pediatricians say you can easily become addicted to anger because it causes the same physiological reaction in the receptors of your brain as the dopamine-endorphin buzz you experience during a drug or alcohol euphoria.
“Anger can become its reward, but like other addictions, the final consequences are dangerous and real, and people follow impulses at the moment without regard to the big picture.”
Kim is saying, you feel a rush of adrenaline course through your veins when you release angry, and it feels cathartic to spew out your feelings.
You know that feeling, right?
However, unleashing anger regularly can cause significant damage to your relationships by creating trauma and hurts to the receivers of your anger.
And, just like any other addiction, it can be hard to control your anger.
Anger can become a habit
Not only can you become addicted to anger, but it can also easily turn into a habit.
In his article in U.S. News, “The Physical and Mental Toll of Being Angry All the Time,” Michael O. Shroeder writes that anger can turn into a habit and even a personality trait if a person doesn’t learn to manage their feelings.
“It becomes a problem when it’s too frequent, too intense, and too enduring,” says Howard Kassinove, the director of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Anger and Aggression at Hofstra University in New York.
And, I might add, it becomes traumatic for the recipients of a loved one’s anger — and even more damaging than whatever caused their outburst.
Anger and trauma
I googled, “Does anger create trauma,” to learn if there are long-term consequences from being in the artillery range of someone else’s anger.
According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs website, anger can often become a default response to those who’ve experienced traumatic events:
“Anger is often a large part of a survivor’s response to trauma. It is a core piece of the survival response in human beings. Anger helps us cope with life’s stresses by giving us the energy to keep going in the face of trouble.”
– U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs
Research shows adverse childhood experience influences cognitive and emotional development and it often creates long-term adult anger in those who experienced a significant degree of violence or abuse in childhood.
“I was so mean and vindictive and I felt that it was right …. if you didn’t like it, you could take a hike,” says Penny Anderson, a U.S. Army veteran.
I was looking for information on how anger has traumatic effects on the recipients of their anger, but the information I found made me have more empathy for those I love who struggle with anger because of its source.
How to manage anger
Okay, I hear you, you might be thinking, I know I have an anger problem, but it has been part of my personality for 10 or 20 years… and, maybe, it stems from childhood experiences and has been subconsciously passed on to you.
Is it possible to overcome my short fuse?
Yes, says John Schinnerer, the host to The Evolved Caveman Podcast where he coaches men on mindfulness principles to help them learn to deal with their anger and nuances of emotions.
“I think for many men sadness is too vulnerable a place to go to, so we’ve been socialized to pretty much feeling or to show that we’re feeling nothing or some degree of anger — that’s safer for us.”
— John Schinnerer, Anger Management Coach
Schinnerer helps men to become more aware of the shades of their emotions and to be able to state more clearly what is making them angry.
He also helps them be more mindful of their emotions on a moment-to-moment basis to be aware of what may contribute to an outburst.
Anger management tips
I’m sure you’ve probably heard of these tips before, but try to see if there are one or two new ones you could use to control your anger.
1.Think before you speak.
2.Express what you feel once you’re calm
3. Walk out your anger to reduce stress
4. Take a timeout (they’re not just for kids)
5. Think of solutions and not make you mad
6. Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your anger (“When you do x, it makes me feel Y instead of criticizing and blaming)
7. Let go of your anger so it doesn’t turn into resentment.
8. Laugh at your mistakes (I’m thinking of the time I shredded a wicker laundry basket when I was angry. I needed a time out — in advance.)
9. Have some kind of relaxation skill or mantra to stay calm.
10. Know when to seek help
(“Anger Management: Ten Tips to Tame Your Anger,” from The Mayo Clinic)
Two more strategies
The last one I think is most important. If your anger is affecting those you love, you may seek professional help before it destroys your relationships.
One strategy that I’ve found useful is to practice thinking proportionally by seeing potential problems in advance as either small, medium, or large.
Hint: Most problems are small.
For example, your spouse didn’t respond to your call right away because they’re a teacher and still had their phone on silent mode at 3:15.
Is it a small, medium or large, problem?
I would say this is a small problem. You can remind them in a calm voice how important is for you to be able to reach them if something urgent comes up.
Another strategy is being quick to forgive. You know you’re going to blow it, so be quick to apologize when you lose your temper. This way a relationship can heal and no hurt is stored causing others to become angry.
How I deal with anger
After researching anger, I realized my strategy works pretty well for dealing with the angry outbursts of others, so let me share it with you.
I used to cope with my hurts by turning to my addiction, but what I have learned to do in my recovery is to express my hurts to myself, to God, or a friend and, later, to my significant other when they have become calmer.
Rather than avoid my hurts, I’ve learned to feel their sting and let them go.
I’ve learned I can’t control what someone else does, but I can control how I respond to their anger — and this usually means forgiving the hurt they’ve caused, so the hurt doesn’t turn into resentment or hinder our relationship.
I choose love over anger in my reaction to anger because most of the time, I’ve noticed, anger is a cocktail mixed with emotions such as anxiety, stress, fear, or worry, and I try to see the other emotions the person may be feeling.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Arun Sharma on Unsplash.