Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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in dating everything is either
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communicating I’m a person to be taken
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seriously or I’m a person to be taken
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lightly
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[Music]
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let me give you guys a scenario
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you’re seeing someone you like them
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you’re having a great time with them
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you’ve been on multiple dates
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and then they say
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come let’s go on a trip together
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for the weekend or maybe seeing their
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means going on a trip they want to see
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you and they’re like come visit me and
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they’re uh
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a long drive away or they’re a flight
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away you like them but you’re not in a
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relationship yet do you go this is a
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point of Leverage that’s a really really
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valuable phrase points of Leverage
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because what it’s saying is at the point
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at which someone is asking for more
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you ha you know you have some Leverage
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if they’re not asking for more
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then you’ve lost leverage and more can
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be more of your time more dates more
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intimacy exactly anything they just want
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more of you in a proactive way and if
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you haven’t created enough leverage then
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that’s not go sleep with them to create
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leverage because we know that that’s a
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poor form of Leverage in most cases but
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it might be that ultimately this person
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doesn’t know you well enough to care
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this person hasn’t seen your best sides
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yet this person isn’t excited about you
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yet and they might by the way they may
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have made up their mind and decided it’s
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not a right fit that’s okay we’ve all
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done that in the past but
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if you don’t have leverage do not waste
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time
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asking what this person is thinking or
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feeling or do they like me think about
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how important what I’m about to say must
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be for me to interrupt my own video well
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here’s why it’s important it’s going to
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change your love life and it’s free if
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you want to know why someone may have
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faded out why they may have disappeared
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why all of a sudden it felt like the
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momentum was lost with this person go to
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why he’s gone.com where I talk about the
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main reasons someone disappears go check
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it out why he’s gone.com and now let’s
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go back to the video
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and by the way if you’re not sure
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whether you have leverage
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then you can at least start by reaching
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out to that person
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and checking in with them and seeing if
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you get a response
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and then see if they then because of
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course it’s easy to say someone may say
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well maybe they’re just not reaching out
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because they’re shy or because they’re
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kind of playing it cool okay great play
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a little less cool also see what happens
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if someone’s not reaching out you don’t
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have leverage full stop doesn’t matter
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if they’re shy or not well I think I
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think no but I think for anyone who’s
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confused about which scenario they’re in
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if they’re shy
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or if they just need a little
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encouragement you giving a little more
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in the form of communication or you
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saying
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hey you should give me a call
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yeah sometime this week or today I’d
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love to hear your voice
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you’ll see results from that if it’s not
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about you haven’t created leverage and
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it’s just about the kind of
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scared to make a move that will actually
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yield results if it doesn’t yield
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results or if it only yields results for
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a day
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then you have no leverage yeah so okay
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so someone’s asking you on a trip that’s
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a point of Leverage they’re asking for
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more
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yeah so and there’s obviously different
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scenarios to this
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but
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you know if you met someone whilst
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you’re in Italy and they live in Italy
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and then you went back home and then
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you’re on FaceTime every night and they
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say come see me in Italy I would argue
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you shouldn’t go okay but are we in a
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relationship because they are just
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trying to get to know you better and the
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only way to get to know each other
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better is to make that trip do you think
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you should make a trip for someone that
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you’re just seeing assuming you’ve had
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enough conversations to know that you’re
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wanting to get to to you like each other
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you want to get to know each other
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better and you need to travel to each
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other to do so
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and you know you say I I think you can
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kind of tell if you’re if you think the
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guy should make the first trip
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I don’t think there’s a hard and fast
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rule about whether the guy or the girl
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should make the first trip how do you
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deduce that someone would be willing to
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do that for you
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because it’s really easy to tell someone
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come visit me like that requires very
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few calories to say to someone you
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should come visit
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it actually requires real investment to
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go and travel to see someone I think the
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most important thing in that moment is
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to communicate in that moment that for
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you that’s a big deal so you’re happy to
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go and see them and it’s not you’re
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going you know you’re not at that point
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saying I would like us to be exclusive
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or in a relationship but you’re saying
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you know
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I’m I’m wary of obviously making a trip
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getting all this time together and
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getting attached and having an amazing
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time and then having to leave you and
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feeling like
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you know what was it what did it mean so
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I just want you to know that you know if
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I make that trip it’s because I want to
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get to know you better because I’d love
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to see if it could go somewhere
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and I think I actually think
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that’s an okay conversation to have it’s
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an important conversation to have in
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many scenarios
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um
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but I do think that yeah it’s difficult
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in in those kind of long-distance
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circumstances it is
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I think it does highlight an issue which
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is
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are there areas where there is a just a
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real asymmetry in terms of the amount of
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effort
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that is being put in and that’s one of
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those where it just 100 is easier for
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someone to say
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come here than it is for them
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to go there
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or I think Audrey as you rightly point
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out you have a conversation that sets a
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tone that says look I’m gonna be honest
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with you I would really like to see you
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but
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it’s for me it you know that kind of me
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coming to see you is a it’s kind of a an
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effort like you know I have a lot going
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on in my life
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and I’d be taking time out and you know
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I’d be coming to you and it’s not you
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coming to me I’d be coming to you and I
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wouldn’t
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I wouldn’t be doing that unless it was
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to as you say genuinely explore
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you know
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whether there’s something there exactly
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between us yeah and I do think the most
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important part of that is also setting
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your
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if you are to go on the trip setting
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your your boundaries around what it is
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that you’d be happy to do
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in terms of getting physical getting
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intimate yeah yeah now yeah you could
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say um if you’re not comfortable you
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could say I’m I’d feel more comfortable
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if I just rented a place
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you know if I got a place of my own
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exactly yeah this is a chance for us to
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get to know each other better you’re
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you’re really laying out oh I want to
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take it slow you know so although this
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is this is obviously the only space for
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us to get to know each other because we
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don’t live in the same country but you
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know I I do want to take things slow and
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I I’m not
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um as a result I would prefer to rent my
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own place so that we can get to know
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each other in an organic way to me this
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is symbolic of
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what of any kind of situation in early
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dating where you are being asked to do
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something that you would not do
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outside of the context of something that
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was actually leading somewhere
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that exact same argument can apply to
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sex
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like the entire conversation we just had
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could just as easily apply
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to sex and this isn’t something that I
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I lightly would would do you know it’s
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something that for me it means something
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I am not in a place in my life where I
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kind of want to just
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you know jump into bed with somebody
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and it be a casual thing
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which isn’t to say that it we have to
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know everything about what this is going
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to be but it it does mean it’s important
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to me that
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if we do this you’re open to
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to something more
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and
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and then you get someone’s answer but
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all of this comes down to
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being willing to have certain
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conversations you’re probably like
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you’re not going to have one
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conversation six weeks in where you say
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are we in a relationship
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it’s more likely to be a series of
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moments where you communicate your
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intentions communicate what you’re
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looking for communicate
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how to
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communicate what you’re comfortable with
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and what you’re not comfortable with
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depending on where it’s going
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it’s likely to be a series of those
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moments
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but how you
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talk in those moments and the structure
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of the conversation the language you use
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these things actually matter
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because everything is look
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in in dating everything is either
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communicating I’m a person to be taken
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seriously or I’m a person to be taken
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lightly
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always
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even after sex
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saying to someone
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that was crazy last night is a very
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different thing than saying to someone I
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had such a lovely time with you last
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night
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like I really enjoyed spending time with
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you last night that says something
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different
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one of them says what a fun experience
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the other one says that was meaningful
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and we can’t
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we can’t control somebody else’s
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experience we can’t control the the
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meaning that something has for them
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but we can certainly
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massively influence the way they
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interpret us
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the way they perceive us how seriously
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they take us how much they respect us
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the value that they place on us we can’t
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determine it completely but we can
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absolutely have a massive influence on
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it
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wait before YouTube sends you down the
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rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
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or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
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golf courses I have something that will
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help your love life more than these
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things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
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you want to know why someone faded out
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why they were giving you attention and
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all of a sudden they stopped this guide
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shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
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then enjoy
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your baby bear videos
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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