A client that I will refer to as Jim came to me immediately after his wife had told him she’s leaving and wanted a divorce. He knew their marriage hadn’t been doing well for a while, so although he wasn’t exactly blindsided by this news, he was hurt, surprised, and mad as hell that she had given up and even moved on with someone else.
He couldn’t stop the rampage of thoughts: How could this happen?, What truly led to it?, and What had changed and when did it change? He wasn’t working with me to attempt to save the relationship; he knew that a divorce was inevitable now. What he wanted were tools to be able to move forward and not create this same painful pattern again in the next relationship.
Jim was a Project Manager: a highly organized, take-the-emotion-out-of-the-decision kind of man. And because how we do one thing is how we do everything, he brought that same get-it-done approach into his relationship with his wife.
He was always doing things that needed to be done around the house, such as: paying the bills, making investments, doing the yard work, fixing things, running the kids to and from their activities and cooking the meals.
This was how he showed love to his wife – by doing the things that needed to be done.
It was a classic Acts of Service love language approach.
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If you’re not familiar with Gary Chapman’s brilliant book, The Five Love Languages, he provides a framework for how each of us expresses and experiences love:
- Gift Giving
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
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The way in which each of us experiences love is many times different than how our partners express or interpret love. So it’s important to not only understand your love language but also your partners’ love language so that you can communicate love to them in a way that they can interpret as being loved and valued by their partner.
Jim lived and died by his to-do list. He could relax only after items on his to-do list were marked off. He showed love to his wife by doing things for them as a family. But his wife’s love language was physical touch, so she felt neglected and unloved feeling like he was far more interested in his to-do list than in her.
She told him she felt disconnected and alone in the relationship. She couldn’t receive his acts of service as love, so instead went and found someone who could give her love through her language of affection and physical touch.
Jim and his wife were not realizing how the other gave and received love, but that’s not the greatest tragedy. The bigger tragedy impacts Jim’s identity and how he values himself, which then impacts – not just this relationship – but everything in his life.
Jim felt his value – as a man, as a husband, and as a human being – was in the doing. He was only valuable because of his contribution and what he could either produce or get done.
And that, if not overcome, is far more tragic than even a lost marriage.
Jim has value because he’s here on this earth because he’s a human being, he has value simply because he exists. He matters regardless if he produces nothing and never checks another item off his never-ending to-do list again. And he impacts those around him because he’s a good listener, a strong and inspiring man, and a loyal friend and husband.
If he knew that, if he genuinely felt that way about himself, maybe he would have given himself permission to just be with his wife, to spend time with her, to engage and connect with her, to touch her so that she would feel loved and appreciated.
There’s nothing wrong with your love language being Acts of Service, unless of course, you think your value as a partner and as a fellow human being is only when you’re doing for others or marking things off your to-do list. Because if your value lies in the doing, then you’re always hustling for approval and assuming you have to earn love and appreciation from your partner, when maybe – just maybe – that’s not true.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Everton Vila on Unsplash