A recent viral post on X went like this:
It’s all men.
Response: Including you?
Answer: Including me. Any woman that doesn’t know me should be on guard against me. I know they’re safe. They don’t.
Of course, this made a ***LOT*** of men angry, judging from the comments. To which one observer replied:
Every man in the comments who’s angry at his response is who he is referring to.
Yeah, I know, it’s heavy stuff.
The recent news of a well-traveled online “rape academy” has a lot of women thinking (in bad ways) and a lot of men thinking too (in better ways). It is tough news to stomach, but I think it can be used for the greater good to help the kind of man who would NEVER visit such a site to understand that there are many MILLIONS who did. It is a perfect illustration of the message the X poster wanted to deliver: women have no immediate way of determining a “safe” man from an “unsafe man”, unless he is behaving in an overtly abusive or predatory way.
Which most predators are much too smart to do (I am looking at you, Ted Bundy).
Okay, the premise clearly stated, I am going to give the good men of the world, those who understand and accept that this is the reality women experience even if men can never fully experience it themselves, some tips about how they can make women feel safe and how to recognize the signs when she doesn’t.
First, for the men actively searching for their dream woman: she is out there, probably x100. Women crave closeness and intimacy as much as you do, and we love the men in our lives with joy and passion (even if the relationship is platonic). We are better socialized for friendship and it is a rare person who does not want a vibrant friendship with their lover.
So, if you feel like you are not “having any luck” on the dating scene, check your platonic relationships with women.
Don’t have any platonic relationships with women you’re not related to and don’t work with?
Red Flag #1.
The messaging your potential love interests will get from this is that you can only relate to women as objects of sexual desire, and that is not an attitude that engenders safety or equality in relationships. What dating behavior can you expect from a woman who has logged this information about you? She may insist on group dates or double dates. She may even have a friend on standby to step in if you are alone together. To further this point, women have also learned to be on the look out for body language from strangers that indicates the need for intervention. If you have ever hit on a woman in a bar, only to have her “friend” show up unexpectedly, I have news for you: they may not have even known each other, but a sister saw someone in potential trouble and gave her an out.
This is not to say you should never “cold approach” a woman in a public place; this is to say that at the first whiff of disinterest or discomfort, you should excuse yourself immediately.
If reading women’s body language or listening to and accepting a woman’s polite (or even impolite) refusal is triggering for you, then I would suggest you abandon the cold approach from your dating repertoire.
If you are interested in learning more about the social cues most women have developed for safety, read on.
So let’s say you have cold approached or maybe you are even on a first date (YAY!) and you think you are pulling out all the charm stops and she is laughing, so good sign, right???
Well…maybe.
Most women have learned to use laughter as a defusing technique in situations where they feel uncomfortable/at risk. A man makes an unwanted sexual comment? Laugh, pretend you think he is “joking”. Be mindful of the body language that accompanies that apparent mirth. If she is maintaining eye contact and leaning in, as the expression goes, you are probably golden. If she is not doing either of those things?
Red Flag #2.
And guess what? It really is okay to ask a woman if she is uncomfortable, or if you are making her uncomfortable. Give her an out, give her a safe space. You may not get a second date, but you will gain a fan out in the world.
Men really have no idea how heroic it is to cut a wide berth around women they don’t know. Men who are willing to do this? You are beautiful, and we often tell the legend of your thoughtfulness, even if we don’t know you.
If a woman you are interested in avoids being alone with you (at first), sorry to let you know, she is being smart, she is being safe. If the behavior continues (even though she continues to agree to see you), then you can bring it up and ask how you can help her to feel safe. Does this sound like a lot of work?
Red Flag #3.
A man who isn’t willing to go the extra mile in the beginning of a relationship will never morph into the kind of partner who goes the extra mile for the woman he loves, so best to part ways right now anyhow.
Look, if a woman you are interested in seems standoffish, it might be because she is not interested in you, but it also might be because she is afraid. If she were your mother, sister, daughter, you would move heaven and earth for her safety, right? So if you don’t want to do this for a love interest or potential love interest?
You are just not that into her.
A final word on dating and “chemistry”…we all love it, men and women alike. That fizzy, fresh feeling that something magical is happening and you can’t wait for the next “hit”…really gorgeous stuff.
But even if that dream woman is on cloud nine about your new relationship and texting all of her girlfriends that you just might be “the one”, I would encourage you to continue to monitor the safe space of your relationship. Almost every woman I know can tell a story about a man she was TOTALLY INTO coercing her into an intimate act she wasn’t ready for, so I urge you to remember the holy trifecta of healthy sexuality:
CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT
No woman who values and respects herself will be “turned off” by you checking in with her when things seem to be getting “hot and heavy”…
As a matter of fact, it might be the biggest “turn on” going.
Once a woman knows she is safe with you, the sky is the limit for your relationship.
Isn’t that worth a little extra time and consideration?
iStock image
