“The greatest marriages are built on teamwork, mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.” — Fawn Weaver
When it comes to relationships, it can be challenging to understand why some couples last while others don’t. To an outsider, it may seem like a game of chance. However, if we become deliberately reductive about the real reasons why breakups occur, it can help us understand what makes a relationship work.
It’s important to discount certain causes that gain far too much attention, such as seeking a younger partner, better sex, a more exciting companion, or because things have grown “stale.” The real reason for breakups lies in one or both partners’ sense that they haven’t been heard.
Something very important to them has been disregarded, and their point of view hasn’t been acknowledged and honored. It doesn’t matter what the subject of this non-hearing is. It could be about money, how children are being raised, how weekends should be spent, or how intimacy occurs.
What’s unbearable is feeling unheard for our differences. It’s not the presence of differences per se that leads to a breakup. We don’t break up because a partner doesn’t agree with us; we could stand not getting what we want.
We could stand a partner who votes differently or has different tastes in holidays. What we can’t stand is someone who blocks us when we try to articulate how troublesome we find these areas of difference. When our unique way of looking at existence seems a matter of basic indifference, that’s too lonely and enraging to bear. It’s better to be single than unseen.
“Being seen and heard is essential to our well-being, and it’s the foundation of intimacy and love.” — Harriet Lerner
There’s a big difference between a partner not doing what we want and a partner not hearing what we want. It’s entirely possible to remain with someone who doesn’t share most of our interests so long as they accept and understand how much these interests matter to us.
It’s possible to live with someone who doesn’t want the same sort of sex as we do so long as they can have empathy when dealing with our point of view. We could be with someone whose needs for affection run in a different direction so long as they have the courage to listen to how ours operate.
We don’t need partners to agree with us on everything. We need them to give off signs that they can accept the legitimacy of our vision. “I understand” is the phrase that could single-handedly rescue more long-term relationships than any number of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions.
If we want to stay together, we don’t need to be exceptionally beautiful or rich. We don’t need to rely on chance. We don’t have to have brilliant sex or a friction-free alignment of interests. We just need to make sure that we’re people who listen. When our partner has something essential they need to get across to us, we should be able to acknowledge and understand their position.
We should be able to say, “I can see this matters a lot to you… and I’ll try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it.” From here, it doesn’t matter if things radically change or not; the vital work will have been done, and the relationship will have been assured.
“Feeling seen and heard is not a luxury, it’s a necessity for a healthy relationship.” — Unknown
To be a good listener, we need to develop empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Empathy is a skill that can be developed with practice. We need to learn to listen not just to the words that our partners are saying, but also to the emotions that underlie those words.
We need to learn to see things from our partner’s perspective, even if we don’t necessarily agree with them. When we do this, we create a safe space for our partners to express themselves fully, and this can lead to a deeper level of intimacy and connection.
Another important aspect of being a good listener is being able to communicate our own feelings effectively. When we communicate clearly and honestly, we give our partners the opportunity to understand us better. It’s important to express our feelings without blame or criticism and to avoid attacking our partners.
We also need to be open to feedback and willing to make changes in our behavior when necessary. In essence, the real reason why some couples last while others don’t isn’t that they share the same interests or have brilliant sex, but because they are able to listen to each other and validate each other’s feelings.
When we feel heard and understood by our partners, we are more likely to feel secure and satisfied in our relationships. On the other hand, when we feel ignored or dismissed, we may start to feel resentful and disconnected. By prioritizing communication and empathy, we can build strong and lasting relationships that stand the test of time.
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This post was previously published on Louis Morris’ blog.
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