The Difference Between Loving Someone & Being in Love

“I know you love me! But you’re not in love with me.”

Rick did everything a great guy would do. He rented a place for himself so Amy and John, their baby, could visit when they wanted. He worked and schooled at the same time. He attended therapy to help him get his life back on track. He made sure Amy and the baby were okay.

So it came as a surprise when during a fight, Amy said; “You’re not in love with me.”

“Don’t be stupid, Amy. I love you.” Rick replied.

“I know you love me! But you’re not in love with me. You’re only marrying me because of John.” Amy said.

Rick, finally understood, calmed down and said; “What difference does it make?”

“It makes all the difference in the world.” Amy whispered as the tears rolled down her eyes.”

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We all have a varying definition of intimacy. Thus, the reason why we all have different expectations of love. And it’s our emotional temperament that influences the kind of love we seek.

When it comes to love, there’s a subtle, yet crucial difference between ‘being in love’ and ‘loving someone.’

Ted Fischer, professor of Anthropology, describes the feeling that comes with being in love.

“Being in love makes us dream of the future. It has an intensity of desire which distinguishes it from companionship love.”

A strong desire which seems to ooze out of us unbidden. Many people who find themselves in love, speak of finding it hard to tame their longing for the person they love. It is almost like a feeling of powerlessness. That to some degree places you at the mercy of the other.

Dr. Helen Fisher, another Professor of anthropology also describes what it feels like to be in love.
There’s a craving, a passion, motivation, and an obsession towards the beloved.

There’s a depth to love. A depth where we lose ourselves. A place where we feel somewhat obsessed with our partners in a way that’s uncommon.

Surprisingly, though, studies have found that the same chemical in the brain that’s released during an intake of substances like cocaine, is the same chemical that gets released when we’re in love.

When your brain experiences romantic love, as opposed to maternal love, it exhibits signs of obsession, depression, passion, euphoria and emotional stress. Because dopamine goes up when you’re in love.— Dr. Gail Saltz

It is why lovers who are in love can feel addicted to their partner to some degree. Indeed, the feeling of being in love can seem intoxicating, because we lose our sense of reasoning in a matter of speaking.

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Now let’s take a look at loving someone and how it differs from being in love with someone.

Kathy McCoy Ph.D., an author, and a marriage and family therapist, believes that what is left after the emotional highs of being in love has waned down is a more stable love. Or it can sometimes be calculative and deliberate.

Imagine meeting someone who ticks all the boxes. They’re good-looking. They have a good job and earn a decent living. They seem well-mannered and have a stable life going for them. They possess everything you want — they make sense. So you choose to stay with them, regardless of whether you feel connected or attracted to them or not.

When we love someone, it’s more calculative rather than impulsive. We make decisions rationally. We feel we’re in control of our emotions. We can condition our behavior. It’s more predictable and stable. But that’s also where the danger lies. Being in control also means, you can choose to withhold affection at will. Which isn’t something that’s easy to do for a person who’s in love.

The problem though with this method of loving, even though it’s the healthier and more stable kind of love, it’s that one of the two couples will more than likely be in love with the other. And when that happens, there’ll be a little imbalance, which can be felt by one or both parties.

One might feel deep within, that there’s a deep connection or attraction lacking. While the other will feel there’s an unequal depth of desire and passion from their partner. Because, depending on whether the love we feel deep down, flows unbidden or from a calculated choice to give, there’ll be differences in passion, emotional thoughtfulness, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, respect, and self-sacrificing acts.

The one who is in love might even feel a little bit of shallowness from their partner.

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While intentionally choosing someone who ticks certain boxes might be great, when it comes to intimate relationships, we humans desire to be seen as special and unique. We want to be loved not just based on what we can provide.

And in the case of Amy, as we saw above in the conversation from “The Secret Life Of The American Teenager,” she wants a love that she feels she deserves. Not a love that’s given because it’s the right thing to do given the circumstance or a love that’s calculated based on some metric.

We want to be loved for who we are and be cherished by a partner who loves us from a place of depth and sincere affection.

When it comes to both types of love, it’s a choice between passion and stability. But that does not mean there’s no stability being with someone who’s in love with you. In fact, it can be a thrilling experience. A chance to experience the depth of human passion and love.

The most important question is, “Which do you resonate with?”

“Which makes you feel more secure?”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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