All of us have obsessive tendencies. We human beings love to focus intensely, to give ourselves wholeheartedly to someone or something, to become absorbed and forget ourselves in outward attention. Being obsessed makes us feel alive, involved, present, and part of something greater than ourselves. Practically speaking, obsession allows us to accomplish big goals and important purposes. Personally, it emboldens us to take risks, make mistakes, adjust our approach, and keep going. And of course, obsession is a natural part of falling in love, fueling new relationships with the energy and attention they need to blossom and grow.
It’s easy and natural to obsess about the people we love, but watch out: obsession can easily go south. When love heightens our desire, feeling, hopes, and expectations, it also inflames our selfish tendencies. Whenever there’s anything really wonderful at stake, selfish tendencies are virtually unavoidable. If we’re not hip to this danger, the treasures and pleasures of love may attract our energy and attention away from the person we love. Our focus is no longer primarily on the beloved, and we become fixated on what we hope to get from them. Then things go wonky.
Going after what we want is normal, even encouraged, in today’s culture. We are completely accustomed to pursuing our own self-interest. So our participation in relationship can easily slide from loving to selfish without any inner alarms going off. We don’t tend to notice the change in our focus when it happens — and even when our friends do, and tell us what we’re doing, it’s hard for us to see it and admit it. We usually try to ignore the danger signs and words of warning as long as possible, still clinging to our hopes and dreams for the relationship.
But our friends have good reason to try to warn us, because unhealthy obsession is hard on all our relationships. So we need to understand how sweet obsession goes sour, and learn to steer clear of this very common pitfall. Let’s go through a couple of real-life experiences, and draw some truly helpful conclusions.
Exhibit A: me. A few years ago I met a man online who struck me as a perfect match for me — at least in my personal opinion. I was intrigued by his life experiences and what he had learned from them. I found his way of communicating completely endearing. Best of all, he seemed to have as big an appetite for philosophical considerations as I do. Birds of a feather? It was too soon to really tell, but that didn’t slow me down. I jumped to the conclusion that we were meant for each other.
For two and a half years we emailed daily and had long phone conversations every weekend. We both opened up deeply to each other and treasured our connection. Our conversations were often challenging, but periodically he would say something that completely rattled me. If I had been at all objective, it would have become obvious to me after a few of those disturbing conversations that we didn’t agree on the things that were most important to me, and we couldn’t ever have the kind of intimacy I wanted. But I wasn’t at all objective: I was stuck like a fly in a spiderweb on the way I wanted to see him, and what I hoped for from the relationship. And unlike the fly, I wasn’t trying to get free; I was holding on tight to my web of illusions.
I was already a full-grown woman when I met this man, not a star-struck teenager with a crush on a rock star. But my dreams were just as unrealistic as a teenager’s, and just as compelling. I knew that he was not the romantic type. And I knew that indulging in romantic fantasies would pressurize him and push him away. So I resolved not to go there, and often reminded myself that I should want only what was best for him.
But honestly, my daydreams were too pleasurable to completely resist. I was riding a natural high, enjoying the energy and warm, bubbly feelings that came whenever I thought of him. And I really enjoyed it.
I was truly obsessed with this man. No… The actual truth was, I was obsessed with what I wanted from him. That is the dirty secret of unhealthy obsession: it’s about me, not thee. Under the spell of unhealthy obsession we lose sight of who the other person really is and what would be best for them. Focusing on what we want, we overlook important essentials of where they truly are at and what they truly want. That’s exactly what I did.
After I finally realized it was not a viable relationship and we parted ways, my vision gradually cleared and I saw how blind I had been in my obsession. My friend was far from a perfect match for me. He was not at all interested in the kind of relationship I wanted with him. And all those months while I tried to explore and expand the common ground between us, he was simply enjoying our philosophical explorations and the opportunity to expound his own rather immovable point of view. This had become obvious to my friends long before, but I was not to be deterred — I was too attached to my illusory idea of who I wanted him to be, and what I hoped would develop between us. And I did really love him. I still do. But in the end, the difficulties in the relationship broke through my denial, and we parted ways. It was very hard, but it had finally become more painful to keep it going than to break it off.
The fact is, it’s always hard to break the spell of unhealthy obsession.
Exhibit B: I have a friend who has been obsessed with a man for the last five years, and there’s no end in sight. She has dated him off and on during that time. She periodically calls it off because he regularly disappoints her by contacting her only sporadically, coming to see her only infrequently, and continuing to date other women. In spite of the regular disappointments, however, she persists in wanting to stay involved. And because she does really love him, she never stops holding a candle for the relationship to get serious. But they’re never “just friends” very long, because the sexual chemistry between them is so compelling (just like my daydreams were to me).
Although he has never pretended to want a long-term relationship, she is counting on that to change. She believes his reluctance to commit is due to past painful experiences, and she imagines that in time her love will heal him, and get him ready to commit — hopefully to her. Of course, this is purely her own private agenda. She has never discussed it with him or gotten his consent to the plan. But she’s sticking to it….
My friend is a vibrant, attractive woman who could be dating other men herself, but she’s not. She’s letting life pass her by, foregoing other social possibilities in order to cherish her unrealistic hopes. Her friends are well aware it’s a dead-end relationship, but they can’t talk her out of it. (Lord knows we’ve tried.) She’s obsessed — obsessed with what she wants from him.
Her example makes it easy for us to see the dangers of unhealthy obsession. It’s obvious that she is pursuing what she wants to the detriment of both of them. Think about it: Is she helping him get closer to wanting to commit? Not likely, since she’s giving him lots of energy, attention, and good times in bed without it. And what about her? At the rate she’s going she’s on track to be single the rest of her life. She’s saving herself for a man who isn’t available, and who’s not showing any signs of changing.
Being too attached to what we want is bad for our health, our self-esteem, and our relationships. I have found through painful experience that whenever I hurt a friend or let her down, it’s almost always after I ignored my own sensibilities and better judgment in order to do what I wanted. Each time I ended up hurting my friends’ feelings and shaking their trust in me.
I daresay we’ve all had similar painful experiences. Unhealthy obsession tricks us into ignoring our own sensibilities and better judgment, and hurting ourselves and others. Obsessed people drop longtime friends when a romantic interest enters the picture. They neglect or simply space out their other responsibilities and social commitments. They develop irritating habits like constantly sending love notes and little reminders of themselves to the person they’re obsessed with, or making frequent detours to drive by the person’s house.
If you’ve ever been in the cross-hairs of someone’s unhealthy obsession, you know it gets old fast. When someone goes crazy about you, you might like the attention at first. You might consider it a compliment, a feather in your cap. But not for long.
It’s wonderful to feel seen, wanted, and cared for. But it’s terrible to be stared at but not truly seen; to have someone shower you with unwanted attention and ignore how you feel about it; to feel the weight of someone’s toxic dependence and painfully pointy focus; to have the creepy sense that your every move is being watched. We want our loved ones to be devoted to us, but no one wants the pressure of being someone’s entire world and their main hope for happiness.
Obsession is a slippery slope, and most of us are not alert enough against its risks. Before we realize it, our focus can shift from the one we love toward what we hope to get from them. Then healthy attraction becomes unhealthy obsession.
We need to develop a lot more self-suspicion about pursuing what we want — especially in relationship to another person. It’s not the innocent, healthy thing society portrays it to be! We need to guard the precious and beautiful experiences of love, desire, and healthy obsession from being polluted by selfishness, so we can live to the fullest, and give others the great gifts of our devotion, energy, and attention. Staying aware of the dangers is the crucial first step. Keeping our other close relationships strong and active helps counteract the tendency toward unhealthy obsession. It’s challenging to discipline our selfish impulses and tendencies, but it’s more than worth all of our efforts, trials, and errors.
Let’s call a spade a spade: When someone focuses on their beloved to an unhealthy degree, it’s themselves and what they want that they’re really focusing on. And that’s not love.
This is the fifth article of an eight-part series explaining the eight invisible mistakes people commonly make in love relationships when they allow selfishness to prevail over love in their intentions.
For more on the subject of selfishness masquerading as love, see the Pseudo Love Card. You can download both sides of it for free at cardsforliving.com.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com