I know a birthday girl. I just met her husband. I don’t know if they’ll make it…but I really want them to.
And I liked him. First impressions go a long way with me.
And I don’t think he’s a bad guy. Not at all. But I do think he’s a shitty husband.
He reminds me of me five years ago. He’s not a father, and that can be a disadvantage for guys from a maturation standpoint. Sometimes, you don’t really figure out what unconditional love looks and feels like until you hold your child.
And I think that revelation—that recognition of what it feels like to love something more than yourself—can be a very useful tool in a marriage.
Applying the Love for Your Children to Your Partner
Anyone who has ever been in a relationship for any reasonable amount of time understands the infatuation phase—while the most fun—can’t and won’t last.
Infatuation and lust will get you so far, then you’re inevitably looking to recreate that feeling with someone else sooner or later.
And sometimes, during the eternal pursuit of that next passionate romance, you just end up breaking a bunch of things.
Families.
Friendships.
Children.
Yourself.
But with a little self-recognition and awareness, we can combat this.
With the realization that the grass is most certainly not always greener—that there is no perfect partner with whom you’ll never have conflict or disappointment or hurt feelings or dissatisfaction—you can learn to stop trying to change your partner. Or change partners.
And you can start trying to change yourself.
There’s only one constant in the lives of those people you know who are constantly in and out of unhealthy relationships. And that’s the individual who keeps putting his or herself there.
They are the common denominator. And that cycle must be broken.
It can’t happen until those people learn how to be honest with others. And more importantly, with themselves.
Once we accept that it’s not going to be lovey-dovey happiness forever, we can move on to learning how to love in ways that matter. In ways that are sustainable.
1. Stop making it about you.
Stop asking why that person doesn’t make you feel the way they used to. Or why all of these things keep happening to you.
2. Make it about them.
Ask yourself how you can make your partner feel the way you want to feel. How you can make good things happen for them. Lead by example, even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t feel like it.
3. Choose to do that every day, forever.
The same way your parents did for you. The same way parents choose to do that for their children—even when they’re acting like little heathen assholes. THAT’S real love. Because it’s not about how we feel. It’s about the choices we make.
I’ve Already Seen This Movie
And it has a tragic ending.
That’s what I was thinking last night when I saw her being ignored by her husband. Literally, the entire night.
The birthday girl.
She looked magnificent. And I’m not sure he told her once.
She misses his company and attention because he has a pretty inconvenient work schedule. But I don’t remember him standing next to her.
I don’t remember him kissing her. Touching her arm. Whispering in her ear. Even just a nice smile from across the room to let her know how happy he was to see she was having a nice birthday.
I’ve seen this fucking movie.
I starred in it.
I played the male lead.
Because that was me. Not doing all of those things I so desperately wish I had the opportunity to do now.
I didn’t tell my ex how perfect she looked. Not enough. I didn’t make sure she knew—without a doubt—how much she was loved and wanted. I was too busy telling jokes and talking football with my friends when we’d all get together.
Guys, you have got to get better at this. I have got to get better at this, should I ever have the opportunity to try again some day.
Don’t do the thing where you ignore them all night and then try to have late-night drunk sex because you’re feeling horny. Please.
Just the smallest amount of effort can do wonders for her emotional security, which is directly correlated to how much she wants your penis touching her.
Tell her you love her. Whisper that you want her. Make eye contact from across the room. Smile. Touch her. Pay attention to her. Maybe when she least expects it.
Care about the things that she cares about—NOT because you give a shit about how her hair color didn’t turn out like she wanted or what color she painted her accent nail or whether she’s wearing new shoes or why she chose to carry that particular purse or handbag that night. Not because you like talking about the same things as her, because maybe you don’t.
That’s okay.
Care about the things she cares about BECAUSE she cares about them. That’s the reason to care. That’s the reason it matters.
Because these things matter to her.
This applies to her hobbies. Her hopes and dreams. Her career. Her passions and interests. Her stories about her friends or family or coworkers that maybe you don’t really want to listen to.
Fortify your relationship by doing the little things. Every day.
Do that, and there will be an every day.
Don’t? You might be sitting right here feeling sorry for a birthday girl who deserves the world and an oblivious husband who doesn’t know the damage he’s causing.
Tequila Makes Me Smart
Ever drink a bunch of beer and vodka, and then switch to a perfect salted-rim margarita on the rocks and start solving the world’s relationship issues with a fellow divorcee from Scotland in an open-air rooftop bar?
Me too!
Dear Jesus, you should hear me pontificate after eight or nine drinks.
The funny part? People think I’m smart! I con them with my above-average vocabulary and my cocksure attitude on subjects I may actually know nothing about.
I don’t know if any of this shit has merit. I don’t!
But, cocksure or otherwise, I do think I can identify the marital sins of my past. And I REALLY want to help men avoid going through what I’m going through. I REALLY want children to have the opportunity to grow up with both of their parents under the same roof.
This doesn’t have to be a pipedream. It doesn’t have to be so goddamn hard.
It just takes two people willing to give more than they take. Two people trying to out-give one another. Doesn’t that sound fun? Isn’t that something everyone can get behind?
My marital sins were on full display last night. The oblivious husband was me. And the birthday girl was my ex.
And it doesn’t have to be like this.
They are two good people. Two kind people.
She loves him.
And I don’t know for sure, but I just vibe that he’s a good man—a good man who loves her back.
And I know they can make it.
And I want them to make it.
And I believe if he only knew what I knew—felt what I felt—that he’d dig in and try his very best to make sure she felt the way she needs to feel for this to not fall apart.
Loved.
Safe.
Needed.
Appreciated.
Validated.
Respected.
Desired.
If they can make this happen, maybe I can be at her birthday party 10 years from now. Maybe she’ll be smiling. Maybe he’ll be smiling. Maybe it will be at one another. Maybe everyone who sees it will privately Awwwwww. And maybe they can be what the rest of us envy.
Happily. Ever. After.
In real life, it doesn’t look like it does in the movies.
But it can be beautiful.
And I still believe in it.
◊♦◊
Originally Published on Must Be This Tall To Ride
Great piece, Matthew. I appreciate you sharing your insight, wisdom and revelation. It takes maturity to admit one’s shortcomings and learn from it. Listening to the male perspective on love, dating and relationships is usually eye opening, and sometimes even jarring for me, but always relevant food for thought. Thank you.
Actually, these days I see that more in women then men, but then women are not being brow-beaten about their failings, but celebrated as empowered. Know why I have a great marriage of almost a quarter of a century? I hold my wife accountable when she needs it and do not just blame myself, or allow my happiness to live vicariously through her. When we speak in such binary, blaming and holding men to account while failing not only to hold women to account for their lacking, but fail to even admit that it exists, we simply reverse the binary,… Read more »
Great article. I don’t always believe that’s it’s just the man’s fault. We only hear one side of this equation. Maybe he is doing all that and maybe she’s forgotten about his needs and that’s why he’s so disconnected. For the sake of this article and my next point, let’s say it’s as you say it is. The only thing I can think to add, is ask her what you can do today to make her life better. What do you need from me today? Because at the end of the day we can try and do the things we… Read more »
Exactly. The author would garner more respect and validation had he used gender neutral terms, rather then appear to be doing a little man-blaming. Will only gain half the audience, and the worst of that half. They call that “white knighting”, a derogatory term, but founded in literature, poetry, even political writing. It’s been stated in varying forms. Bly called it the three horses; Red – raging youth, White – fixer of all injustice (based upon self perception, and Black: the sage and teacher. Far to many speak as the Black while still riding the white horse. Journey is not… Read more »
Giving… What if the other is only bothered about taking even when you lead by example. How long can you keep at it? When the other refuses to see the efforts or takes you for granted. All I want to put across is, this is ones perspective of how it should be. I’ve been there and burnt myself to realise it’s not worth it or the effort, but by then a lot of damage is already done. I disagree if you say don’t make it about yourself. People get taken for granted, and that’s just human nature.
Great article. It really is all about respect. I once had a relationship with a man who didn’t even think being present for my birthday was important “because we could celebrate it anytime”. I wish I had ended it right then and there.
Matthew, Thanks for your heart-felt outreach to all of us guys who don’t yet know, or haven’t put into practice, the things that can create real, lasting love in our lives. I went through two marriages, put my kids through hell, and did a lot of damage before I learned. I wish I had had a friend like you when I was 34. Having kids does give us the opportunity to learn about unconditional love, but too few people extend what they learn about how to live a child to the world of adult relationships. We never outgrow our need… Read more »
Wow. If possible, can I have a copy of the book in hard copy? I really needed a bit of learning in my life right now. These writings inspires me and changes how I look at things each time I read one. Please, if possible, let me have a copy of your book. Thanks!
The book isn’t out yet, but come visit me at http://www.MenAlive.com and you can learn when it’s coming and how to get a copy of the book, ebook, audio book, and on-line class.
Love this thank you. “Two people trying to out-give one another.” Yes.
The one thought that i took from this. It is the mantra of my wife and I. Two people giving 110%. Truly a recipe for success, well that and accountability.