The Emotional Homework I Did Before I Dated Again

After my husband and I broke up, I was an emotional wreck. First I was so despondent that at times I felt like my heart was breaking inside of my body. It was painful and those days that my son was with his father, were often filled with me crying.

One minute I was minding my own business going about my day. The next minute, I was curled into a ball consumed by grief on the kitchen floor. There were times that I would sit on my steps, staring off into space. I felt lost. Aimless. This was not what I had planned for my life.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I was incredibly skilled at hiding my emotions from others. No one knew that I was a depressive, emotional wreck. To them, I was just happy to be moving on with my life. It was hard for me to reconcile no longer wanting to be with my husband and being torn up about it at the same time. Eventually, that pain descended into bitterness.

When I think about the conversations that I used to have at the time, they are cringeworthy. I was on the “take”. I planned to get everything I could from a man in the future because I refused to be taken advantage of ever again. During that time, I did not take much accountability or ownership for my role in the dissolution of my marriage. Everything was about what was done to me. I was in victim mode and my anger and rage, co-mingled with bitterness to project an avoidant forcefield that was evident to anyone I encountered.

I could have met the most amazing, ideal match for me, and it wouldn’t have worked because I was not ready for him at all.

At that time, I vehemently hated my husband. We were as amicable as two people could be as in we didn’t use our child against each other, but I often thought about how I could avenge myself in some shape or form against him. For all intents and purposes, I was a mess.

After some time, I decided I would get on the apps, but the smallest little “infraction” would send me running right off of them. Men annoyed me and I had very little patience or tolerance for anything that came with them.

I knew that at the rate I was going, I would be hard-pressed to find a healthy partner or relationship. I was just too broken, hurt, and angry inside and whether or not I wanted to admit it, this entitlement radiated out of my pores. I was so tired of feeling triggered by the same situations and always ready to rip a man’s head off.

Eventually, I realized that I needed therapy.

I needed to process what transpired in my marriage. I needed to transmute that pain into self-care and self-compassion. I needed to forgive myself.

I desperately needed to heal and stop burying my emotions under avoidant behavior, blame, and victimhood.

What Therapy Helped Me Understand

I did extensive therapy. I started with talk therapy which I had done in the past and then, I went on to a mindfulness practice. Finally, ending up in EMDR.

Everyone has to find the kind of therapy that works for them, but I loved each of these for different reasons. In talk therapy, you talk about the past a lot and your feelings.

What happened? What could you have done differently?

In the mindfulness practice, we focused on incorporating new habits and reframing old patterns of thinking.

Finally, EMDR is a way for you to process and heal past trauma and regulate your emotions.

Oftentimes, people are scared to face themselves in therapy or have relegated therapy to people who are crazy and mentally unstable. However, this is a skewed and extreme POV.

Therapy can help you completely reinvent your self-concept, a necessary step in the journey to create change in your life.

It’s a way to learn more about yourself and stop running on autopilot. You can rewrite whatever it is you believe about yourself and rewire your brain to show up differently in your life and the way you make your decisions.

In effect, you can understand and change your attachment style which often influences your dating decisions. Perhaps, you might learn to stop abandoning yourself and stop feeling the need to overgive as a way of pursuing validation from others.

Lastly, you will truly grasp the idea that you alone are enough. A romantic partner is a great bonus in life, but it’s not a requirement of happiness or completeness.

Showing up as a healed person in the dating landscape is a wildly different experience, than showing up as some of these undiagnosed, toxic, and damaging people that you encounter on the apps and in real life.

Why It Changed the Way I Date

Needless to say, post-therapy my dating experiences are very different. This is not to say that I don’t experience my fair share of disappointment. Of course, therapy can not insulate you from encountering the less-than-savory types in the dating pool.

However, it can make you more aware of your needs and desires. It will undoubtedly influence how you show up and what you tolerate.

You will be able to spot red flags from a mile away. Often in preliminary conversation. You will understand that you don’t need to run people down to be with them. Instead, you will naturally have confidence that comes from a position of power rather than a place of desperation.

It’s like taking off fog-covered goggles to see clearly what’s in front of you, rather than what you hope it to be, or approaching everyone with a grotesque sense of pessimism because you feel the world has wronged you.

What I’d Tell Any Woman Considering Therapy Before Dating

If I could give one piece of advice to any woman considering therapy before dating, it would be this:

You don’t need to be perfectly healed, but you do need self-awareness.

Healing is a journey, not a destination. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you start dating again, but you do need to understand yourself — your triggers, your patterns, and your beliefs about love.

Without self-awareness, you’re walking into dating situations with blinders on, setting yourself up for more of the same heartbreak and confusion.

You can’t vet properly if your nervous system is dysregulated.

When you’re emotionally overwhelmed, it’s nearly impossible to read red flags or maintain boundaries.

If your emotional state constantly fluctuates or you’re running on autopilot, you’re not operating from a place of clarity.

Therapy helps you regulate your emotions, which is crucial for making better, more intentional decisions in love.

Sometimes what we think is ‘intuition’ is just unhealed fear.

I used to think I could trust my gut when something felt “off.” But sometimes, that “intuition” was my fear of getting hurt again.

Therapy helps you differentiate between genuine intuitive feelings and old wounds still driving your reactions. Once you learn to trust yourself and your boundaries, you can move forward in dating with confidence, not fear.

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