In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no inbetween
When your pride is on the floor
I’ll make you beg for more
~ Shakespeare’s Sister
The internet is saturated with information on narcissism, so this article is not for the narcs, it’s for the empaths.
If you’re suffering from narcissistic abuse, you may have already come across such toxic labels as: gaslighting, stonewalling, love-bombing, devaluation, and triangulation. {If not, then I refer you to H.G. Tudor — self-confessed Ultra Narcissist — who has a Youtube channel pertaining to all things narc, which will quickly open your eyes.}
So, back to the empaths…
We’re on our third lockdown here in the UK, almost a year into The Plague, and Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. YIKES. If you’re unlucky enough (or lucky enough, depending on your perspective) to be a single, empathic soul living in isolation, you may well have resorted to using a dating app or two to connect with your fellow humans.
It’s worth mentioning here that from a highly sensitive perspective lockdown can, of course, be a much-needed energetic reprieve from the toxicity of human entanglements.
If your boundaries are flimsy, and your auric holes make you feel like a human pin-cushion, you may feel immense relief from being alone; you may feel protected by the 2 metre rule; you may feel less drained by needy ‘friends’; you may revel in not being devoured by herds of energetic extroverts; you may enjoy lazy solo mornings, drenched in bird song and strong coffee.
But… you may also be lonely; hence those damn apps.
BE WARNED: Narcissists LOVE dating apps! Whereas an empath may wilt like a houseplant deprived of water without authentic human connection, a narc will simply jump on multiple apps, quickly master the algorithim, and ambush victim after victim til his/her needs are met, then crudely discard them once they’re bored and/or saited.
Narcs are emotional, sexual, energetic vampires; they may not wear velvet cloaks, be ghostly pale, and suck your blood, but they all have one thing in common: NO empathy. They simply do not care… about anyone.
If you’re an empath, this can be a bitter pill to swallow. Empaths ALWAYS give narcs the benefit of the doubt; always hope that love lurks beneath lust, always believe that redemption is possible, always see the best in everyone, and never give up on the potential of a new connection.
Pretty obvious then why these two often end up together — the empath is simply an easy target.
How narcissists show up in relationships:
Firstly they don’t show up emotionally AT ALL. They peacock, play games, strategise, manipulate, excavate, love-bomb, perform, mirror, manage, control and engineer, but they NEVER invest.
Narcs and empaths are polar opposites: narcs operate entirely from ego, empaths from the heart; narcs inhabit fear, empaths embody love, but, despite all this you know what they say about opposites…yes, they ATTRACT.
The narc inhabits a chaotic, exhaustive, destructive, repetitive lifestyle, so if you’re a naieve empath, prone to romantic ideation, they will cycle in and out of your life like a tornado, until all that’s left of you is DUST.
The empath is targeted as a primary source of ‘fuel’ prinicipally because they possess the high calibre qualities narcs need in order to function.
Empaths are supportive, loyal, generous, honest, compassionate, and excellent listeners; they’re non-judgemental, they love deeply, completely, and unconditionally. Because of all this, and their need to serve and please others, it becomes very easy for the narc to emotionally manipulate them. Empaths will and do hang on much longer than other people.
There’s usually a vast difference between how an empath views themselves and how they are perceived by the narcissist.Empathy may even become a disgusting weakness that the narcissist will start to despise over time; this contempt will become apparent during the devaluation phase. In the beginning, however, the narc revels in the unconditionally giving empath, relentlessly mining them for fuel, i. e. light/energy/ sexual gratification.
Narcs are unapologetically selfish, and never burn a bridge before building at least two more. There will always be a wounded empath weeping in the wings, whilst the narc dons his/ her favourite outfit and high tails it out of there in hot pursuit of their next victim.
They are simply incapable of love in the way that empaths experience it. They’re only capable of superficial love, born out of idealisation/ infatuation/ obsession. In other words, they never love YOU, they love the way you make them feel about THEMSELVES.
This malignant self-love is borne out of self-hatred; the adoration of the empath is mere fuel to top up the deficit.
In relationship, narcs show up as the most exciting, selfish yet generous people you’ll ever meet. The charismatic hoop-la is all smoke and mirrors; the generosity is fake, born out of an insatiable desire to get their own needs met, no matter what.
The narc is 100% focussed on themselves; when the empath is drained and their shine wanes, the narc will continue his/her search for new sources to bouy their self-esteem.
So, how do you know if you’ve been duped by a narc? Well, when the relationship has ended, you’ll feel like a deer who’s been pursued by a lion over an extended period of weeks, months, years, only to finally be speared by its hungry claw, then crudely discarded just before the moment of ingestion.
You’ll feel like a half-eaten strawberry cream which some gluttonous narc has slobbered all over, then re-wrapped and tossed back in the sweetie tin. You’ll feel horrific guilt; like it’s all your fault. It’s not; narcs LOVE empaths, and more often than not you’ll have done a sterling job of bolstering their inflated ego for as long as they require your services.
When it all comes crashing down, you’ll never get closure, never get an honest answer, never get any admittance of responsibility or contrition from the narc… instead you’ll most likely get gas-lit.
So-called ‘Twin Flame’ relationships — they’re all over the internet, just do a Quora search — are prime examples of narc-empath connections, which basically pertain to prolonged emotional abuse
So, what can the empath DO?
Here’s the Top 5 immediate actions to take when you realize you’ve become ensnared in a toxic entanglement with a narc:
- GET OUT AND STAY OUT
- IMPLEMENT A STRICT NO CONTACT RULE
- DON’T BLAME YOURSELF
- STOP OBSESSING OVER HOW TO WIN THE NARC BACK
- FOCUS ON SELF-LOVE AND RECOVERY
The fastest way to heal a narcissistic injury is SELF-LOVE. It’s a cliche, but it happens to be true. The narc will try to dredge your emotional well dry post break-up; but if you pull back, re-group, cut him/her off, and focus on self-love, things will turn around. FAST. The cleanest, quickest revenge is to ignore them, and prioritise someone else, i.e. YOU.
Try to see the whole experience as a cautionary tale re self-love; once you’ve educated yourself about narcissism and understand what’s happened to you,focus on honing your discernment then reconnect with yourself to heal that wound.
Buoy up your self-esteem: get fit, get creative, get out into nature, immerse yourself in culture and art, listen to music, cook, create, fill your mind/body/spirit with POSITIVE content. Don’t think about the narc, don’t talk about the narc, don’t stalk the narc. Forgive, let go, NEXT…
Since you’re empathic, you’ll likely struggle with all of the above. You’ll be CONVINCED that your narc can be cured/ fixed/ loved back to normality.
Be aware, the reformed narc is an extremely rare breed — they will NEVER change because of you, or FOR you, only because of some life tragedy or trauma, which may shock them into awareness. So, don’t hang around waiting for them, not unless you want to endure 20 years of mind games with someone incapable of loving anyone, including themselves.
For the empath, knowledge is power, so it’s well worth ascertaining what kind of empath you are, i.e. codependent, super-empath, contagion empath, standard empath, saviour empath etc. in order to see what kind of narc you attract and where your blind spots are.
When empathy and narcissism overlap:
When an empath reaches the ‘enough is enough’ stage, having honed their discernment and mastered their own narc traits, they may decide to play the narc at his/her own game. This is commonly referred to as an ‘empathic supernova’.
In other words, after years of narcissistic abuse, the weaponised, or super-empath, becomes adept at mirroring the narc, using the exact same narcissistic traits to out-manoeuvre them.
During the empathic supernova, the empath momentarily pauses their empathy, engaging in conscious manipulation of the narc, who, unaware of what’s happening, is forced to withdraw/ disengage/ break off and find a new primary source of fuel. This, of course, infuriates the narc — they do NOT enjoy getting a taste of their own medicine!
The downside of the empathic supernova is a period of depletion and disconnection straight afterwards. When the narc traits subside, the empath will be exhausted, lose their sensitivity, feel numb and void, and struggle to reconnect with themselves. Again, this is a rare event, a bit like the reformation of a narc, and the only course of action is to DISENGAGE completely.
So listen up, empaths: you don’t have to put up with endless crap from narcs, learn-discern-move on… NEXT
JLO
Resources:
HG Tudor: Youtube: Knowing The Narcissist
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: iStock
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