The Even More Definitive List of People Going to Hell

Let me kick this off with an apology.

A few months ago, I published The Definitive List of People Going to Hell.

Drawn from the thousands of sermons I’ve been forced to listen to, along with the off-handed remarks I’ve heard from hardcore fundamentalist Christians who enjoy making mental listicles of sins that disqualify people from entering into their eternal bliss, I wrote this list as a kind of service to the community.

After all, it is my Christians duty to warn people that they are going to go to Hell. In fact, I wrote the list because I love people, and I don’t want them to be set on fire forever at the hands of my loving God.

Why can’t people see that?

Needless to say, there were a lot of complaints.

And they all came from conservative evangelical Christians. Yes, my inbox was full to overflowing with outraged messages from my Christian brothers and sisters, who were concerned that I was being far too lenient with certain corners of society.

“Brother Dan,” one email said, “I appreciate your efforts to list the types of people who will end up in Hell. But, your list is far from complete. There are certainly many more people who we need to condemn for us to be satisfied that we have faithfully and diligently delivered the good news of the gospel to the world.”

After many weeks of soul searching, I realized that he was right. Perhaps it was the “fear of men” that caused me to hold back. Either way, I erred on the side of grace, and that was a mistake. I want to apologize to all and sundry for failing to fully disclose ALL of the people who end up in Hell. I have asked for God’s forgiveness for being so wishy-washy (which he graciously granted), and I’m back and ready to make things right. I’ve revised my list from last time and expanded it to reflect God’s divine will more accurately — because I know exactly how God thinks.

Pass me my pulpit.

Who ends up in Hell?

Many fundamentalist ‘Christians’ maintain that Hell is reserved for people who are immoral. Fortunately for you, I have narrowed this down into a few specific types of people — and this time, I think I got everyone:

People who voted for Clinton, Obama, Biden, or any democratic president in history

Liberals
Communists
Liars (unless they are also elected Republicans)
Thieves
Murderers
People who are violent
People who question my constitutional right to bear arms under the second amendment
People who question my right to invade other countries so that we can find and remove their weapons from them
People who don’t live in the United States of America
Atheists
Agnostics
Catholics (according to protestants)
Protestants (according to Catholics)
Hypocrites
Pagans
Muslims
Critics of Israel
Jews
Hitler
People who believe that a vaccine is more effective than prayer
People who stop attending church during global pandemics
People who believe in evolution
People who believe the earth is more than six thousand years old
Christians who don’t take the Bible literally
People who disagree with my interpretation of an ancient Jewish manuscript written in a completely different time, culture, and context to my own
Christians who don’t own and read the King James Version of the Bible
Christians who go to a different church than me
Christians who don’t go to church at all
Christians who believe in free will
People who have not asked Jesus into their heart of their own free will
People who have never heard about Jesus
People who believe that people who have never heard about Jesus will end up in Heaven
People who don’t believe in Hell
People who believe everyone ends up in Heaven
Fornicators
Masturbators
Goats
Gymnasts
Lawyers
Used car salesmen
People who don’t switch their phone to silent in the movies
People who dance
People who engage in pre-marital hand-holding
People who don’t pledge to “save themselves” for marriage
Divorced people (unless they are men)
Women who speak in church
Women who wear pants
Men who allow their wives to wear pants
Women who cause men to sin by wearing dresses that are too short
Men who wear dresses
Women who think they are men
Men who think they are women
Women who support men who think they are women
Men who support women who think are men
Men who like men
Women who like women
Men and women who affirm and support men who like men and women who like women
People who refer to God using any pronoun other than “He.”
Adulterers (unless they are men)
Rapists (unless the rapist and their victim are married)
People who have abortions
People who provide abortions
People who don’t vote against abortions
Fetuses that were aborted
People who assist others in obtaining or performing abortions
People who mention abortion as an option when counseling pregnant women, even if it was the pregnant woman who raised the topic
People who think, even abstractly, about having, performing, or assisting others to have or perform abortions
People who work, in any capacity, in connection with any facility that performs abortions, whether or not they themselves are medical personnel or not. (no, the janitor doesn’t get off the hook)
The French
Colonizers (unless they are missionaries)
People who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”
Drunkards
People who like rock music
People with tattoos
People who have read any of the Harry Potter books
People who watch horror movies
People who go to nightclubs
People who enjoy life
People who play ‘Dungeons and Dragons’
Witches
Fortune tellers (unless you call it a prophetic word from the Lord)
People who gossip (unless it’s to collect prayer requests)
People who are greedy (unless they are a televangelist)
People who are absurdly rich (unless they are a televangelist)
All those wicked Non-Christians, like Gandhi
Anyone who likes this article
Satirists
People who make lists of eternal significance that are not in alphabetical order
People named “Kent”
Dead people
People who see dead people
Cats
You

…

Phew!

I’m sure glad I got that off my chest.

Remember, it’s because I love you that I am warning you that you’re going to end up in Hell if you don’t repent and start believing precisely the same things I do.

God was gracious and kind enough to forgive me for posting an abbreviated list earlier, so I’m sure he can forgive a wicked sinner like you as well.

Praise God!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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