The Fading Fear of Infidelity

Given the choice between being afflicted by alcoholism and jealousy, I’d choose alcoholism. At least with a drinking problem you’d still have a chance of cultivating a caring relationship. For a jealous man, the chances of building a strong connection drop almost to zero.

Jealously is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It creates behavior that virtually guarantees the person on the receiving end will seek out companionship elsewhere. A jealous man tries to hide his insecurities in a need for control.

It’s not unnatural to feel the occasional concern that you might lose something you care deeply about. However, it’s critical that you ground your emotions in reason and don’t create problems out of thin air. Human beings are subject to weaknesses, but as a healthy relationship grows, feelings of jealously should gradually fade almost to nothing.

Dating versus a committed relationship

Everything is different in the early stages of romance. When you first meet somebody, your task is to determine how long your relationship is destined to last. Some people you will date only for a few months, or maybe only a week. One person will be your life partner. It’s important not to try to force someone into the wrong role.

There is a difference between problematic jealously and taking prudent action to protect yourself. Even in the early stages of a relationship, all individuals are entitled to their privacy. Relationships function because of trust, but that trust can be abused to camouflage inappropriate behavior.

Will this person be unfaithful?

In the first stages of casual dating you really don’t have an argument to justify any kind of jealously. You haven’t made a commitment to one another, so it’s none of your business if the person chooses to see other people. In most cases, there will be behaviors that indicate a relationship should end long before the question of fidelity even comes into play.

When you start thinking about a long-term commitment, it’s natural to consider whether your partner is likely to be faithful. You should also consider whether the person would make a good parent, or if s/he is somebody you can trust with your finances.

All of these are non-romantic considerations that sometimes get left by the wayside to the detriment of star-crossed lovers. Infidelity, however, has a way of muscling itself into the conversation as the definitive deal breaker.

Infidelity early and late

All you have to do is listen to the radio for a few minutes and you’re likely to encounter a song about infidelity. Our society and our literature is overly focused on this kind of betrayal, and the idea is rarely handled maturely or nuance.

My wife is not unfaithful to me, and I am not jealous by nature. We’ve been married for 11 years and have two daughters. As I was listening to one of the many hysterical infidelity songs that blasts on the radio, I had the realization that the position of the singer was in no way connected to my life.

Once you reach a certain point in life, you no longer have the freedom to indulge in an hysterical reaction. Take these lyrics for example:

I dug my key into the side

Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seats

I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights

I slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats

— Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats, Songwriters: Chris Tompkins / Josh Kear

Maybe when I was a young man in my 20s, these words would have made me feel empowered, or maybe they would have liberated some frustration. In my 40s, they only made me sad. Now I perceive that the behavior detailed here would only add more pain to an already desperate situation.

If an infidelity happened

My wife and I have two daughters. If something unfortunate ever happened in our relationship, it wouldn’t change the fact that I am the father of those two girls and my wife is the mother. You can’t get angry and destroy the property of the mother or father of your children.

I found it interesting to realize that at this point in my life and my marriage, my wife and I so intertwined that an act of infidelity seems almost inconsequential. It’s interesting to reflect that the transgression which constitutes the single largest focus of younger people dwindles almost to nothing as you age.

Certainly there are a lot of behaviors covered by the blanket label of “infidelity.” There is a lot of difference between a single indiscretion and getting involved in a new relationship. But in any case, there would be massive repercussions particularly for the children.

A pacifying perspective

My wife is a very attractive woman, and I’ve certainly noticed men paying attention to her throughout the years. But it would be foolish of me to feel resentful about the very attributes that attracted me to her in the first place.

Make no mistake, an infidelity at our age would be hurtful. But we’ve been together so long and built so many valuable things together, that we will be connected for the rest of our lives. We are partners in caring for our children. I’m resolved never to do anything that might make her less capable of being the best mother she can be. Any such action would only hurt my kids.

Coming to the understanding that an infidelity wouldn’t fundamentally change many of my feelings, helps me not to worry about infidelity at all. I would still love her. I would still respect her as a parent. We would still be connected in many ways. Therefore, it’s foolish to be jealous.

Jealousy as affection

Men and women are different in how they express their jealousy. When men become jealous, they often direct their feelings at their partners. They make hostile accusations and try to control them. This is harmful and abusive behavior.

However, every now and then my wife shows a little flash of jealousy when she believes a woman is flirting with me. When she informs me of this, it always comes as a complete surprise because I didn’t recognize anything other than normal behavior. The only consequence of her observation is that sometimes we aren’t allowed to go to a certain restaurant anymore. If that makes her happy, that’s fine with me since I had no perception of what she picked up on anyway.

I actually feel flattered that my wife thinks I’m the object of such attention. If she feels any anger, she does not direct it at me. Actually, I think her minor indulgences with jealousy are a way she can brag about me, and show that she is always ready to fight to keep me. I appreciate her for that.

The social perception of love is stuck in adolescence

I think that our society would be improved if we could all adopt a more mature view of infidelity. Even when you are married you are never the “owner” of your partner. They remain a free and autonomous being capable of making their own choices.

Our time on this world is limited, and we cannot manufacture more. We can, however, make a mess out of the time we do have together. This error represents a tragedy because the moments squandered are permanently lost.

If you find yourself overly worried about your partner’s potential infidelity, it’s worth running through the scenarios over what consequences would come as a result. You might discover that your relationship is already so strong that your hyper focus on a phantom transgression is just a laughable side-effect of an overly juvenile social concept.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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